Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Nov. 17, 1988, edition 1 / Page 13
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OmnibusThursday, November 17,19885 Large baby-making women and bloodsucking babydolls By JOS C03 C3ICGS Syndicated Columnist Wanda Bodine told me that, since she's so fat, she might as well get pregnant it would be a good time to do It, specially since she has her law degree now and so shell be able to figure out how to dump that baby In day care after two, three weeks and force somebody else to pay for it "My biological dock has done run around the dial three times," Is the way she put it None of this babbling about being pregnant bothered me, particularly, until she started rubbing up against me in the line at Wyatts Cafeteria and saying stuff like "l just bought a new Beautyrest and pretty soon 111 have money for sheets." Then it occurred to me whe's gonna need a male individual to carry this off. I dont know if you've ever met any of the Bodine sisters, but they get em a husband for five, six weeks, use him long enough to plant some seeds where it counts, and then ten him "You, Dwayne, are not fulfilling my potential as a modem woman, you never pick up your socks, and we have nothing in common." Course, by then they have some thing in common, Dwayne just dont find out till seven months later when she calls him up about "sharing the expenses of our child." I never did understand this until Wanda and her sister Doreen explained it to me one night I was thinking all my life an a woman wanted was a man she could manipulate into marrying her. What they really want is a man they can manipulate into giving em babies. This is the thing for the women of the "90s. Get rid of that turkey just as he's done the ONE JOB in the poor sucker's life that he cant get fired from, then boot his hiney out of there before he does something like ADMIT HE'S THE FATHER. That gets you into all kinds of legal problems like being forced to run the kid out-to his house on weekends when you dont have a data Anyhow, the Bodine sisters have had nine babies now and they're ail named "Bodine" except for little Raul. They call him "Raul Bodino" CHINESE RESTAURANT . Chinese Gourmet Dinner Buffett ILinneri Now Open on Mon. Nights & Sat Lunches q x I All the SHRIMPEEF, CHICKEN & ORIENTAL tSUTTGT . VEGETABLES You Can Eat J r o ! Plus Fried Rice, Egg Rolls & Dumplings I f Or JL because nobody'd believe it if you called him plain Bodine. So I think you can see what's going oh here. The only reason I bring it up is that I dont give a flip. Personally, I know how to protect my personal integrity in the Wyatts Cafeteria line and not go ape just cause some 260-pound baby-making machine flashes a little thigh while she's shoving a tray full of lemon merangue through the check-out line, but many of you reading this newspaper might not of ever met the Bodine sisters and so when Wanda shows up, youll be dead meat After all, she's REAL good looking for a gal that looks like she oughta have an apple in her mouth. Speaking of rubbery substances inhabited by the devil, "Child's Play" is one of the most original horror flicks in a while, about a little 6-year-old yard monster who gets a talking Chucky Doll for his birthday and finds out its pos sessed by the soul of a psycho devil-worship murderer. Most of the time Chucky is a great pal. its only occasionally that he decides to do something like knock the babysitter through a sixth-story window with a ball-peen hammer, or hide in a mental hospital so he can damp shock-treatment head pinchers on a doctor, flip the switch and watch his face turn into a bacon bit But know what the mean old adults think? They think its little Andy doing all the grisly murders around Chicago, and he's just BLAMING it on Chucky. Fortunately, Andy's mom is Cath erine Hicks. Remember how she saved the whales in "Star Trek IV"? if she can save the whales, she can save Andy from a demon possessed unsellable walking, talk ing, strangling, snarling, cussing, biting, stabbing cute little toy dolL Chucky is very insincere. No breasts. Six dead bodies. Exploding toy store. Exploding South Chicago urban renewal house. One excellent out-of-contrcH motor vehide scene, with Chucky trying to kill a cop in a car traveling 90 through The Loop. Heads roll. Hands rolL Legs roll Gratuitous devil talk. Gratuitous Chucky-cam. Ball-peen hammer Fu. Scalpel Fu. Voodoo Fu. And, of course, Mattel Fu. Drive-in n i I OFF I Academy Award nominations for Chucky The Doll, created by David Kirschner, which was operated by eight puppeteers and is one of the best special-effects creatures ever built for the movies; Alex Vincent, as the 6-year-old Andy, for lacking hiney and for saying "Chucky says that lady was a real bitch who got what she deserved" Catherine Hicks, for kicking Chucky around and saying "Say something, dam mit!" and Tom Holland, the direc tor, who did "Fright Night" and then outdid himself with this one. Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out. MAILBAC Hey Joe Bob, I was in west Texas once. I thought it was great that you can drive around with open beers. Also, l saw a thing on CNN today where some guy in Grapevine had a pet pig. Whoa! call Bekins! Bob Stone Park Ranger, Russian Gulch State Park Mendocino, Calif. Dear Bob: If you are referring to Claude Swenson's Montana No. 1 Spotted Hereford Short-Bristle Grazing Show Swine, for your information his NAME is Arch. Archibald to you. Dear Joe Bob, Do you want my sister? Andywyrard Piano, Texas Dear Andy: Yes, but only because you have such respect for her. Dear Joe Bob, My cuzin fc in LOVE with you! Whenever she reads your artides or sees you on TV, she denches her fists and screams in excitement We are planning to have a "Bad Taste" house warming party. We I? E3 E3 ES E3 E3 E3 E3 E3 E3 E3 t: Choice of crusts: u - n ivno ic ivnca or D original p D Q O O E3 O O O Q rj Gumby Dammitt Q 1Z" One'Itetn Pizza X- i. 1' ' , IS A f W 1 ' The evil Chucky doll is would like you to come. Attire for the evening will include tacky polyester clothing, and well be. serving fallen souffles and burnt cookies. (You might want to eat out a McDonald's before coming.) Many people are borrowing from my cuzin's closet for this gala affair, but you can come as you are! if all goes as my cuzin plans, you wont be in your dothes for long, anyway. Jerry Jacobsen El Sobrante, Calif. Dear Jerry: Sounds too good to be true. Which part of your cousin is missing? Hey Joe Bob, is there truth to the rumor that Robin Givens and Brigitte Nielsen E3 E3 E3 E3 E3 O O 3 O O L3 O L3 O Q P-' q Double Dammitt q qTu?o 12" Cheese Plzza$ r like Mr. Bill in reverse. are secret members of a wacked out, pro-feminist, men hatin' infil tration squad? The Enquirer hasnt run any article like this, so I suspect it may be true. So what is the Joe Bob Truth? : in contemplation, Mark "The Gwee" Gurwell Seattle Dear Mark; You guys with the bucks, how many times do I have to tell you? It goes like this: . To have and to hold on to For better or for slightly uncomfortable. 77 death or a humongous argu ment do us part I promise by these vows to give you everything covered in the contract Go get Meivin Belli, hell tell you how to write it up. See MAI LB AG page 8 c2 Collect D Gumby PIsza Club Cards! q Collect 10 cards & g receive a p 12" otiC'itcm pizzal rj '- d O C3 O O O C3 O O Q I! Gumby ZAP! q 16" One-Item Pizza Q .... tv- I f -r. ,j . . . . , SI 9674101 $1.25 for toppisiss n - ....... J . . :n art huth nirTH U ' X U Caatu 0 diss q E3 00 a o aa crifaa r m
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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Nov. 17, 1988, edition 1
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