Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Dec. 8, 1988, edition 1 / Page 15
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DTHOmnlbusthursday, December 'fit, 1 $88S Checking ByJ02EC3C2IGGS Syncjcated Columnist Me and Rhett Beavers and Wanda Bodlne all jumped in the Toronado and went up to Texar kana last week to check out the "Gateway to Texas" Rest Stop where the Texas Legislature is trying to kick out ail the sissy boys, in case you hadnt heard about it, what happened is this place got a four-star rating in a national travel guide for homosexuals, and ever since then the horse manure's been hittin the fan up there. "We just dont want that activ ity around here," said Alex Short Jr., the Legislature guy up there in Texarkana "Some of them out there are holding hands, and it's just something foreign to East Texas. Now what they're doing as far as holding hands and hugging is not illegal activity. But it just makes sense if that sucker got four stars that there's more going on out there than just holding hands." Alex is getting the state to spend thousands of . dollars building fences and clearing away underbrush so the gay guys wont have anywhere to hold more than each other's hands. So we decided to check it out One precaution I did take is I made Wanda Bodlne put on some Mary Kay Cosmetics "and a dress and then l handcuffed her to me so If d be obvious we have a normal hetero-nooSde relationship, as the Lord intended So anyhow we got there about 430 in the afternoon, and the first thing we did is we sent Rhett to get a picnic table and I went on inside the Tourist Bureau and went up to the state trooper and said, real casual, "I'd like to know where I can go around here to sniff some bluebonnets and do some crocheting in the nude." I figured the guy would take me for a sissy-boy and eject me from the premises right off, but instead By JOE 003 BRIGGS Syndicated Columnist I always start to get all choked up as soon as l see Santa Claus pull into view during the Thanksgiving Day Parade so that Sally Struthers can say something stupid on national TV and plug the network. Yep, it's that time of year again - the time for family get togethers and sweet-potato pie and rosy little faces around the Christmas tree and all your aunts screaming at one another and, of course, our great American tradi tions, like taking a shotgun out in the woods and blowing the stuf fing out of furry creatures. That's where I'm going right now but I couldnt leave you without deliv ering the annual Joe Bob Briggs Christmas Poem. You know, it's getting to be a tradition, this Is the fourth year, and it's a tradition I want to continue no matter Wisdom di P out the four-star, ' he said, "I just LOVE the flamingos on your blouse." Right then I knew we were in trouble. No telling how many individuals of the homosexual persuasion walk into the "Gateway to Texas" Rest Stop ever day and request ILLEGAL tourist informa tion. I want you to know l stayed there until I got the full story, and I was shocked and appalled. Here's just a few of the things I found out: 1. You can get a tourist bro chure called "Sheep Do It: A Guide to the "Special' Dude Ranches of Southwest Texas." b 2. They have something at the rest stop called a "Pet Bath." I'm sorry, this is too disgusting for me. a 3. You can go in the back room and see a six-minute audio-visual presentation about the State Fair of Texas, called "Big Tex: How He Got To Be So Big." a 4.They have a naturalist on call, who will give group lectures about the mating habits of the mule. a 5. If you know what to ask for, the state trooper will reach down behind the counter and sell you some bubble-gum cards that have pictures of all the members of the Texas Legislature wearing bo!o ties and penny loafers. Phone numbers are extra. And you know what it said on one of em? "Meet me behind the rose bush and 111 show you my gladiola" These politicians got to be STOPPED. Ever since "Year of the Dragon" came out, the Chinese up in New York been rioting and hittin each other over the head with wet noodles and markin up the prices on pu-pu trays. I have no idea why they're so p.o.ed. Probly has some thing to do with them being short and wearing stupid hats ail their lives. But anyhow, the flick is a pretty decent documentary on what happens when you let the what they say. This year it's just a little bit different from the poems of the past This year the poem is called "What the J-Man Means To Me," and I might need to explain it first with a little holiday story. Two weeks ago I was in the hospital room of a 6-year-old boy who appeared to be dying of a rare blood disease, and that little boy blinked back some tears and he looked up at me, and he said, "Mr. Joe Bob, will you give me $500 for my operation?" And I went out and sold a 1964 Dodge Dart I had in my backyard, and I GAVE the little boy that $500. And then he skipped town, he was faking the whole disease, him and his parents were in it together. But the point I'm making is -actually, l forgot what the point I'm making is, so ill just go ahead " . "" - ' - - 1- i .. -. - 1 - .a. Members of the Orientals run hogwild selling heroin to each other Sooner or later, the inevitable is gonna happen: INNO CENT TOURISTS Will BE KILLED. What we got here is a bunch of 16-year-old kids with machine guns running around Chinatown, thootin up restaurants, until Mickey Rourke gets so sick of it that he starts sleeping with a. Chinese fashion model TV reporter. This makes the Chinese Mafia so mad that they stuff two Chinese gang members in a soybean vat. kill Mickey's wife, rape his fashion model, shoot his partner, wreck some cars and go to Thailand to cut the head off a sensitive, caring individual named White Powder Ma But when they're not busy with all that stuff, they just sit around and mumble stuff in Chi nese subtitles, like "We brought the orange to this country, we brought the grape, we built your irrigation systems, but most of our ancestors were sent back and do the poem. But before I do the poem, l want to answer a question people have been asking me ail week long. And that is "Can Joe Bob Briggs rap? Is he a rapper at heart?" And the answer to that question is "No, he's not." I cant rap worth didly squat. I'm too white. But I wrote a rapping Christmas poem anyhow, for no apparent reason. Could l have a rapper's beat, please? It goes something like this. WHAT THE J-MAN MEANS TO ME Say, what the heck! Say, what the hey The J-Man was born on Christ mas Day He was parked in a barn in a pile of hay, Where the roosters live and the donkeys stay. His Mama, she had to economize Till some dudes showed up they were wise, put the J-Man Jiad smarts him self within, sissy boy Chinese - American Chamber of Commerce. home because we were COOLIES" You know, gangster talk. Then ever once in a while Mickey Rourke busts into the police com missioner's office and starts yelling "it's just like Nam!" and grabs his head and tells him what an honest cop should do buy a machine gun and go huntin for Chinese. Eventually he does this, but not before he freaks out three or four times with Vietnam flashbacks, screams at his Chinese fashion model TV reporter about how TV is a "vampire," and tells Michael Cimino he needs another closeup. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. This is Big Mike Cimino's first movie since "Heaven's Gate." Mike is the only guy makin drive-in movies that cost $40 million. But he proved he still has the stuff. He can make a movie ALMOST as good as "Heav en's Gate" for only 14 mil. He's also responsible for DISCOVERING Ari ane, the Chinese fashion model TV reporter who changes her expres He had a Madonna, but no Sean Penn. He never had a mortgage, never had a watch, Had a little wine, but never scotch, Didnt need a talk show, or MTV, Or a paper from the university Now he could have been a child star, l suppose, ftr wf tq it I I 1 f Ox Pyewacket Restaurant & Bar rest stop sion two, three times in the movie, specially when Mickey is slapping her around and talking about his Polish heritage. Six breasts. Four gallons of blood. 25 dead bodies. Bullet in forehead. Knife in heart. Mini skirted bimbos with automatic weapons. Heads roll. Restaurant brawL Gambling den brawL Three motor vehicle chases, with three crash-and-bumsl Soybean Ri. Egg Fu Yung. Drive-In Award nomina tions for Mickey Rourke, for saying "F civil rights" Ariane, for open ing her eyes long enought to scream "The press is independent! Not just another undercover cop!" Dino DeLaurentiis, for saying, "No, no, my little amino, okay, I geev money" and Big Mike, for saying, "Please, Dino, can I just build ONE full-scale replica of Chinatown? It wont cost much, and I promise IH never ask for anything ever again." . Two and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out. But he came into the world in swaddling clothes Swaddling clothes, Swaddling clothes. The J-Man had a suit of swad dling clothes. Say, what the heck! Say, what the hey! The J-Man was bom on Christ mas Day. Fresh Pastu LASAGNE VERDI LINGUINE VENEZIA CANESTRELLI CON FETTUCINE Grilled Seafood and Vegetarian Specialties WEST FRANKLIN STREET THE COURTYARD CHAPEL HILL " 929-0297
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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Dec. 8, 1988, edition 1
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