DTHOmnibusThursday, January 19, 19895
Only the strong will survive this cold remedy
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
Syndicated Columnist
This is the time of year when
a lot of people always write in
asking for my friend Bobo Rodri
guez's cold remedy. Since Bobo is
116 Pawnee Indian, he doesnt
believe in making actual money off
of ancient ritualistic folk remedies,
which is why l charge people five
bucks to go up and talk to him.
Anyhow, for those of you who
missed it the last time I talked
about it, this is the only absolutely
one hunnert percent cold remedy
l have ever personally tried, and I
it hadnt failed a single time if
properly applied.
1) Buy you a large family-size
bottle of Nyquil. Drink the whole
deal, or as much as you can stand
without throwing up.
2) Chase it down with two six
packs of Budweiser Tall Boys.
3) Co to sleep. (This step is
normally not needed if you did the
first two.)
4) in about three hours youll
start to sweat like a javelina hog.
Dont fight it. Just kick off the
covers and grunt like Mr. T.
5) Two hours after that you'll
go into a coma Dont be alarmed.
During this part of the night, you
will normally dream about jaguars
and rattlesnakes eating different
parts of your body.
6) Around about 5 am youH sit
up straight in bed and your eyes
will be the size of Houston and you
wont be able to close 'em. Jog
down the hall to the refrigerator.
Drink everything you see in there,
including the Half-and-Half and the
buttermilk. Chase it down with the
raspberry liqueur of your choice.
Then and this is the important
part gulp eight ounces of
brandy in no less than three
minutes.
7) If everything is on schedule,
your nose will feel like it is falling
off. Dont be alarmed. Various
parts of your face are rearranging
themselves to accommodate the
enlarged sinuses which are now a
permanent part of your
personality.
8) Return to bed and watch a
game show. Since it is now 5:30
in the morning, the only game
show you'll find is "Relatively
Speaking" hosted by John Byner,
where the brain-damaged cousins
of famous soap-opera stars try to
stump the celebrity panel full of
superstars like Miss Hathaway
from "The Beverly Hillbillies." This
will generally clear out the phlegm
that's been building up in your
bronchial cavity.
9) Sometime near daybreak, you
will begin a paroxysm that resem
bles an epileptic seizure. This is
perfectly normal. Be sure to pull
your tongue out of your throat,
no matter how groady it is.
10) By nine o'clock you should
be ready for work. Simply burn all
your bed linens and scour your
body with Briiio pads, and the
worst of smells should be gone
within a week.
No charge.
Speaking of phlegm, "War is a
movie that just came out about
a plane that crashes on a desert
island but, unfortunately, several
of the passengers survive, and all
of them are obnoxious New York
character actors. There's a chance
that one of the killer terrorist
death squads on the island will
machine-gun the cast to death,
but not before we have to listen
to them whining about losing
various arms and legs and having
to sew their faces back together.
A few of them get their heads
grenaded into bacon bits, two or
three get captured by a Nazi
Cuban pig-faced guerrilla, but the
survivors are led around by a
redneck in a Hawaiian shirt who
teaches everyone how to pop off
an Uzi. Then there's a face-eating
snake, a Catholic priest who sits
lUlrtftfrflTTftiHii
Modern motion pictures provide employment opportunities for those who would otherwise be
considered "handicapped" by the cruel, capitalistic business community. For example, these
pasty-face geeks got work in "Troma's War."
around singing hymns that are so
bad they have to rip his tongue
out (he STILL wont stop), and then
a Meskin with open sores on his
face runs around sticking his
tongue down women's throats.
Then there's some really DICUST
INC parts.
Absolutely no plot to get in the
way of the story, and, oh yeah,
one more thing the "desert
island" footage was filmed entirely
in New Jersey.
297 dead bodies, a new modern
record. Ten breasts. Face-sewing.
Cut-ripping. Ear-lopping. Aardvark-
ing on the beach. Slimy worm
droppings. Vicious guerrilla
bumper-boat attack. Face-eating
rubber snake attack. Hari-kari.
Cross-bow to the groin. Twelve
unemployed actors set on fire.
Exploding jeep. Exploding boat.
Exploding Cuban. Heads roll. Ears
roll. Tongues roll. Gratuitous
hymn-singing. Gratuitous Mexican
hat dance. Kung Fu. Poison-dart Fu.
Uzi Fu. Baby Fu. Outhouse Fu. Drive
in Academy Award nominations
for Sean Bowen, as the Hawaiian
shirt bigot with an Uzi, for saying,
"You dont murder vermin you
exterminate 'em!" and "We cant
take the blind girl with us, shell
slow us down," and "That's why
they're such shitty soldiers!
They're terrorists!" Jessica Dublin,
as the big mama whose 1 -year-old
baby goes over to the enemy, for
saying "I have just about had it
with you terrorists!" and Uoyd
Kaufman and Michael Herz, the
guys at Troma Films of New York
City, for actually getting this flick
into movie theaters.
I'm feeling generous today. One
star.
Joe Bob says check it out.
WXYC Top 20
1. The Falf I am Kurios Oranj
2. Gipsy Kings Qpsv Kings
3. Wolfgang Press Bird Wood Cage
4. Donnor Party Donnor Party
5. Bad Brains Live
6. Willie Dixon Hidden Chorus
7. Death of Samaf ha Where the Women Wear the
Glory and the Men Wear the
Pants
8. Eugene Chadbourne The Eddie Chatter Box
Double Love Trio Album
9. Jonathon Segal Storytelling
10. King Blank The Real Dirt
IK Violent Femmes 3
12. The Saints Prodigal Son
13. Syd Barrett Opel
14. Sound Garden Ultramega OK
15. Ropeman Two Nuns and a Pack Mule
16. Volcano Suns Forced
17. Roger Manning Roger Manning
1 8. Woody Guthrie Woody Guthrie
19 Midge Ure Answers to Nothing
; 20, Fugazt vv.vTugazi
I
I
I
8
S
I
3-
1
'Herald
coiAPiere your evvcttriw
The Chapel Hill Herald is your complete daily
newspaper and our special student rate
delivers you the best education value of
the semester!
Take it from Opus of Bloom County,
BPOC (Big Penguin on Campus), everyone
who's anyone subscribes!
Look for us and Opus - from the 10th
through the 24th at the Pit and in front of
the Post Office downtown. Complete your
education with the Chapel Hill Herald today!