8DTHOmnibusThursday, January 19, 1989
Joe Bob's
By JOE BOB BRICCS
Syndicated Columnist
There's this great article in
Newsweek about how males and
females talk to each other when
they hate each other's guts. Like
Bob calls home from the office and
says "This new secretary we hired
last week is one of the nicest
people I ever worked with." And
then Liz answers, "That's nice." See,
what Liz is REALLY saying is, "The
slutty little bimbo has her breasts
hanging in your face all day or else
you'd never even notice the
tramp."
This is non-verbal communica
tion. And it's our job as sensitive,
feeling human beings to know
EXACTLY what people mean when
they make LOADED comments like
"That's nice." And then, if we do
that, well stop getting divorced
every six months.
Fortunately, I'm an expert at
human communication. I always
know exactly what Wanda Bodine
Ringing in
By ELIZABETH ELLEN
Staff Columnist
"Nothing changes on New Year's
Day."- U2
So maybe December is not the
cruellest month. Consider how
bleak the majority of 1989 has
been.
Mushy fruit is an annoyance, a
faux pas, an oversight in the
scheme of things. Fruitcake is even
worse, but that's a subject better
uhmo
Facilities include:
pool, gym, racquetball courts,
Universal and Nautilus
weights, sauna, steam and whirlpool.
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means when she says "Joe Bob, did
Deke Simpson pay you yesterday
or do you have to wait till Friday?"
That particular sentence would be
translated as follows- "! was
watching TV and a commercial for
the Abdominizer came on and I
dont have the $19.95 to send in
and so I thought I would mooch
it off of you."
If you havent figured this stuff
out yet, then you need to, for the
sake of your relationship. Here, try
this example, and see if you can
guess what the person is REALLY
saying before you read it.
LUANNE: "I picked your under
wear up off the floor again." (Real
meaning; "You've got the person
ality of a rhesus monkey, and I plan
to change my hair color tomor
row, go to a singles bar and find
somebody better.")
DEXTER: "Thank you, hon. I was
so tired last night I just forgot."
(Real meaning: "Elephant Hips is on
the rag again.")
the New Year with proper fruit and
left untouched. A proper banana
is firm, and its peel is in that
twilight zone between green and
yellow. A proper apple is green and
tart and hard and cold and bites
back when you bite into it A
proper peach supports its fuzz,
rather like law-abiding citizens
everywhere. There is no such thing
as a proper kiwi fruit
Somewhere in the twilight zone
between Wilson and Raleigh is the
MEMBERSHIPS
Effective Jan. 15f eb. 15, 1983
LUANNE "Did you remember to
get concert tickets?" (Meaning: "I
know you didnt get the concert
tickets, and I know you DONT CARE
you didnt get the concert tickets,
so I thought I'd try to make you
feel like the irresponsible slope
headed piece of discount furniture
that you are.")
DEXTER: "I was planning to go
on my lunch hour today." (Mean
ing: "You know I'm lying but you
CANT PROVE IT, and if you try to,
you're a bigger bitch than I
thought.")
LUANNE "Have a good day at the
office." (Meaning: "Fall in front of
a bakery truck and get your head
crushed under the rear tire.")
DEXTER: "Love you, honey."
(Meaning: "Please, Cod, get me out
of this.")
Okay, now try this non-verbal
exercise between two strangers
who are just "feeling each other
out" for the first time.
JUUAN: "You are DEFINITELY the
OUGHTS
town of Middlesex. The exit sign
off Highway 64 has the double
heading of Middlesex and Child
ren's Home, in that order. I used
to tell my sister that the Middlesex
Children's Home was where they
put babies of indeterminate
gender. She was terrorized for
years.
My roommate is terrified by low
octane numbers. The dictionary
calls octane an "isomeric liquid
parafin hydrocarbon." But my
roommate thinks the numbers
refer to a temporal phenomenon,
namely the year the gasoline was
forcibly extracted from the earth.
She claims she dosnt want to buy
87 octane gas because now it's
two years old. How she can explain
92 octane fuel is beyond me.
Less rational and more menacing
than my sister's orphanage night
mares or my roommate's gasoline
fetish is George Bush's flippancy
L W,Vn7. ,
Ihe Wild Hung!
hottest girl on the dance floor."
("Do you think maybe you would
take all your clothes off later?")
BETSY: "Thank you." ("Why do
dorks with patches on their
elbows always want to talk to
ME?")
JULIAN: "You come here a lot?"
("Jf l ask first, I can pretend to be
whatever you want me to be.")
BETSY: "This is the first time."
("Don't you understand body
language, you doofus? Dont you
realize my arms are crossed, my
legs are crossed, and I'm facing
away from you? What do you
need, a billboard?")
JUUAN: "l normally dont come
to places like this, either, it's not
really a very good way to meet
people." ("How long do we have to
talk like this before you like me?
That was a pretty cool thing to
say, so I think you should be my
girlfriend now.")
BETSY: ("Maybe if you didnt
have giant nose hairs, someone
could stand to look at you for
more than two seconds at a
time.") "No, l guess not."
about money. Yes, he does admit
that he feels slightly uncomforta
ble about spending $32 million on
inaugural festivities while scores
of good red-blooded Americans
starve on the streets of our cities.
But he also says he's not about to
apologize for it Damn the torpe
does, lets party.
At least we have a revolutionary
new sleeping aid on the market
in extensive tests lasting a gruel
ing week and a half, the tranqui
lizer was proven to be very effec
tive, even though it does have
some unpleasant side effects. CBS
calls it the "Pat Sajak Show." The
newest dictionary available calls it
a "liquid hydrocarbon isomeric
parafin." George Bush calls it a
"kindler, gentler revenue
enhancer."
Watch out. Neon colors are
coming back into fashion. Those
who eat sushi risk ingesting God-knows-what
(the bigger the fish,
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JUUAN: ("Oh, my Cod, I dont
know what else to say, I'm in
silence, seconds are ticking by,
there's a huge gulf between us and
it's widening, whatever I say right
here has got to be incredibly cool
or in never get to see what she
looks like naked, this is your chance,
dont blow it") "Did you drive here
in a car?"
BETSY: ("No, I rented a bobsled.
I dont know if I can control myself.
I'm about to burst out laughing,
and if I do, itn be too embarrass
ing.") "Do you know where the
ladies room is?"
JUUAN: ("What if she doesnt
come back?") "it's right over
there."
BETSY: "Thank you." ("Hallelujah!
Hoooooooooooooooray!")
JULIAN: "See you later." ("Maybe
she didnt notice the car remark,
in just wait right here. Shell be
back in a minute.")
I suggest you keep these exam
ples on a card in your wallet so
you're never caught without
emotional assistance.
Pat Sajak
the further up the food chain, the
more concentrated the contam
inants). Regular television showed
a severely edited version of "912
Weeks" and called it "TA Weeks."
Let me tell a mixed tale of two
Dans, it was the best of times, it
was the worst of times. Both Dan
Rather and Dan Quayle returned
to their regular work environ
ments after taking a holiday break.
CBS news would again be worth
watching except that now Quayle
will be making headlines again.
There are some who accuse CBS
of taking advantage of the like
ness between Quayle and Sajak for
the network's own diabolical pur
poses by switching the two. How
ever, l would call putting Quayle
on late-night TV and Sajak in the
Senate catbird seat a patriotic act.
After all, those hyperactive sena
tors may need a sedative after
their $32 million party.
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