4 DTH OmnibusThursday, January 26, 1989
Beware of your horrorscopes
and "The Terror Within"
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By JOE CC3 BRIGGS
Syndicated Columnist
. Today's 'Joe Bob Briggs
Horrorscope.
ARIES: (March 21 -April 19): Youll
want to stay in bed until 3 p.m.
Someone at the office will say
"Where'd you get that hickey on
your lip?" There's an excellent
chance that you will die soon.
TAURUS: (April 20-May 20):
You've been evasive lately and
people are noticing. Enter the
Federal Witness Protection Pro
gram. Your chart promises excite
ment, but only when nude in
public A good time to eat red
meat and switch the buttons on
your car radio.
GEMINI: (May 21 -June 20Y. Your
attention centers on a person of
the opposite sex. Look for some
excitement and changes in your
life. You are probably a homosex
ual. - CANCER: (June 21 -July 22): All of
those money problems will be
solved soon. Time to make that
decision about your dwelling place
and your legal affairs. The next
three days are a good time to buy
a handgun. If you feel nauseous
any day this week, you have
cancer.
LEO. Uuly 23-Aug. 22)-. Dont be
surprised if you feel like you woke
up in a sitcom. CBS is about to offer
a contract! You are perceived as
powerful, secure and in control.
They're suckers, arent they?
VIRGO:-(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): On the
inside you feel like Jello. On the
outside you LOOK like Jello. Go to
the health spa for a facial and body
wrap.
UBRA: (Sept..23-Oct 22): Your
lunar aspect highlights sensuality,
Wisdom
By JOE BOS BRIGGS
Syndicated Columnist
WISDOM ON PARADE
A previously unreleased trans
cipt from the U.N. Security Council
closed session on the Libyan
dogfight.
"Mr. Secretary, I am Mohammed
el-Mohammed Mohammed, repre
sentative of the sovereign Ubyan
people. You've probably noticed
us, standing in front of the
camera, jumping on one another's
backs. Many of us have bad beards.
I'm sure you've seen us. 1 have
come here today to report that,
in an unprovoked act of interna
tional terrorism, the imperialist
United States Air Force fired seven
nuclear rockets through the skies
and two of our airplanes fell in the
ocean trying to avoid them and
they landed in Tripoli and killed 148
kindergarten students who were
saying prayers at the time."
"Mr. Secretary! That's a lie! Two
of our fighters were pursued by
a couple MIG bogeys, so we locked
travel, a stranger with a mole on
his or her inner thigh, and a non
alcoholic pina colada. Soon one of
your friends will start saying
things behind your back and youll
have to be a jerk about it.
SCORPIO-. (Oct. 23-NOV. 21): Time
for a fresh start and a new look.
Refuse to bathe today and dye
your hair a pastel color. A former
teacher will come back into your
life and laugh at your britches.
SAGITTARIUS: (NOV. 22-Dec21)-.
You must get to the heart of the
matter today. Pay attention to
anyone who has a Japanese name,
especially if they seem real stupid.
At the office, no one will be
watching the petty cash fund.
CAPRICORN: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Good day to kill anyone named
"Jennifer or "Brad." Otherwise,
plant yourself on the couch for the
day and imitate a garden
vegetable.
AQUARIUS: Uan. 20-Feb. m You
have lost the Publishers Clearing
house Sweepstakes. Nyah nyah
nyah. Good day to cancel all the
magazine subscriptions that didnt
do you a damn bit of good.
PISCES: (Feb. 19-March 20): Moon
in your sign corresponds to a deep
secret about THAT THING that you
did as a kid. EVERYONE is going to
find out. You cant avoid it. The
whole WORLD is going to know.
Youll be HUMIUATED. Good day to
start a hobby.
Speaking of grisly gunk spewing
out of the newspaper, "The Terror
Within" is a pretty decent new flick
about what will happen when
Khadaf y fires up his new chemical
warfare plant, wipes out 99 per
cent of the earth, and we end up
with George Kennedy and a bunch
on Parade
on their butts and blew some
Russky metal out of the sky. That's
all there was to it."
"in the name of Aliah. if I might
be allowed to speak there were
14 American planes that flew
directly into Libyan air space
during afternoon prayers to
Mecca, dropping napalm on Mos
lem holy men."
"Mr. Secretary, I would be happy
to produce a film and tape which
shows plainly that our top gun
was pursued by Ubyan MIG figh
ters, and that he took five separ
ate evasive actions before decid
ing to launch a heat-seeking
Sidewinder. And, I might add,
you're gonna need Jacques Cous
teau to find those Ubyan planes."
"An Academy Award perfor
mance! A Hollywood production!
This so-called film was produced at
Universal Studios in California, and
we have evidence that the two
voices of the pilots were dubbed
in by Rich Uttle and Casey Kasem.
The whole thing is an obvious fake.
of TV movie actors living in an
underground shelter in the Mojave
Desert. Ill TELL you what's gonna
happen. There will be these giant
intestine-headed lizard-legged
loonies roaming through the
desert raping all the women so
they can breed more genetic-DNA
mucus monsters to populate the
earth. And what's the only solu
tion, to save us from these
mutated mush-heads?
Andrew (son of Stella) Stevens!
He has an abortion policy. Like he
tells his girlfriend after she gets
raped by a giant piece of proto
plasm with legs: "We shouldnt
really abort until we know its not
mine." The only problem is. these
slime-sewer fetuses grow so fast
that they're the size of Uncoln
Continentals within 24 hours. That
means that they're popping out
through VOLUNTARY C-sections
before anybody can pour Liquid
Drano on em, and then they start
marching through the scientific
underground bunker, slashing
people's throats open with their
fangs.
There's only ONE THING that can
stop em: A dog whistle.
You know, if people weren't
such WEENIES about abortion
these days, they would of had
these three-ton color-cancer
monsters dead before their slimy
little heads chewed off their first
finger. This movie should be
required viewing for every
member of the Supreme Court.
We're talking 17 dead bodies. No
breasts. Snake-eating. Bloody
fetus monster. Multiple throat
slashing. Giant gargoyle rape. One
self-abortion. Exploding sheds.
Exploding gargoyles. Gratuitous
The airplane you see is actually a
plastic model that's moved about
through the air by tiny wires. If
you take the Universal Studios
tour, you can see the whole thing,
how they do it."
"These people are obviously not
sane, Mr. Secretary ..."
"Oh yeah, and ANOTHER thing.
I forgot. The Americans also
bombed two Libyan cities with B
52s." "We did not."
"Did, too. And also some fanks
came in. Yeah, some tanks. They
roiled in across the desert. Prob
ably came for Egypt. And they
shot an old lady."
"Mr. Secretary, there is no evi
dence to suggest that American
armory of any sort carried out an
incursion into Ubya."
"Well, you DID. Because you're
trying to destroy our factory, Mr.
Secretary, we have this factory
that we built last year where we
make rag dolls for orphans in
Africa. And the Americans have
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The gopher-guts star
monster abortion scene, the best
one since "It's Alive!" Buzzard Fu.
Crossbow Fu. Drive-In Academy
Award nominations for George
Kennedy, as Hall the laid-back boss,
for saying "We must terminate at
the first sign of abnormality"; Terri
Treas, as the doctor, for saying "I
guess well have to get rid of it";
Tommy Hinckley, as the fix-it-man,
for saying "Turn it into a Crispy
Critter!" Starr Andreeff, as the
monster-rapee, for screaming
been threatening to bomb it or
destroy it for several months
now."
"This is a silly fabrication. We
have NOT made any move against
that factory, and we happen to
know that you're making chemical
weapons in there and you're going
to give them to people all over
the world."
"Are not."
"Are, too."
"Rag dolls."
"Chemical weapons."
"Rag dolls. And sometimes we
make paperweights with snow
scenes in them."
"Chemical weapons factory."
"Mr. Secretary, the Americans
obviously have the typical delu
sions of a superpower that fears
anything in the Third World that
doesnt agree with its Western
dogma. This man has confused a
RAG DOLL With a WEAPONS PLANT.
I rest my case."
"Mr. Secretary, these North
African maniacs have been prov
oking us for years. If we hadnt
shot down those two fighters, our
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of "The Terror Within.
"Please get rid of it! Soon!" Andrew
Stevens, as the professional slime
monster killer, for saying "I aint
sticking around to smell its
breath" and Roren Sumner, as the
giant lizard-guts gargoyle, for
getting harpooned, dog-whistled,
sprayed, tripped, rammed, crow
barred, blow-torched, and cut into
itty bitty pieces by a giant ceiling
fan.
Three stars. Joe Bob says check
it out
have been destroyed. I did not
come here today to discuss the
factory, and I'm sorry the debate
has taken this turn."
"You FORGOT what you came
here, to talk about, didnt you?
Because you're a UAR. Youll never
TELL anybody about the old ladies
you killed with artillery shells you
launched from Chad, will you?"
"Mr. Secretary, once atjain, there
are NO artillery shells."
"Are, too."
"Are not."
"Nyah nyah nyah."
"Shot you down, shot you
down."
"Did not."
"Shot you down twice."
"Didnt get our factory."
"Our planes are better than your
planes."
"Are not, are not."
(sound of scuffing, ripping cloth,
voice of the General Secretary
saying, "Can we have them both
executed? is that possible? No. I
guess not. the U.N. cant do that,
can we?")
(sound of two gunshots)
"l changed my mind."
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