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DTHOmnibusThursday, February 2, 19895
Investing in llamas and plenty of
By JOE BOS BRICCS
For two years now my buddy
Buster Peebles has been trying to
get me to invest in llamas. I'm not
making this up. Buster's got this
ranch outside of Divide, Texas,
that he's turned over to a herd
of about 50 llamas, and he's breed
ing new ones all the time. If you've
never seen one, they look like a
giant goat that's been bred to a
fat jackrabbit. They stare at you
like Tony Franciosa hopped up on
cocaine, and if you move too quick
around 'em, they snap their neck
straight up like a rattlesnake. If s
like some animal that Cod didnt
Anyhow, Buster was in town
last week for the Fort Worth Fat
Stock Show, where he shows his
llamas and tries to win blue rib
bons so he can charge some idiot
$ 0,000 for some llama sperm. Ten
years ago nobody in Texas had any
llamas, but today there's 27 million
llamas in west Texas alone, and
you know why? "I think these
llamas are going to TAKE Off in
the next 1 0 years," Buster told me.
ttOne of these female breedin'
llamas brought a hunnerd thou
sand dollars last year."
I don't know if you're
acquainted with any of the Pee
bles, or maybe you know some
llama breeders yourself, but what
that means is, everybody's been
talking too much about llamas
down at the barber shop. "Some
body's gonna get rich off these
things," they been saying, "so
might as well be US."
(I need to take time out right
here to talk to those of you who
read this column every week and
know that sometimes I make stuff
up. I swear to Cod, ranchers ail over
Texas are walking around with
beer guts hanging out over their
belts, prancing proudly forward,
clicking their tongues and yanking
on a leash attached to an alpaca
sweater with legs.)
So I went over to Fort Worth
By JOE BOB BRICCS
Syndicated Columnist ,
I'd rather not know exactly how
many Frequent Ryer miles you
have. This is nothing personal, in
fact, I think it's wonderful that you
qualified for triple miles on Delta
and American, scored some Avis
upgrades, and now you have
enough miles to fly round-trip
business class to Canberra, Austra
lia, on Qantas. What I'm worried
about is, when is everybdoy going
to start USING these trips to
Canberra? So far I've met 368
people with Frequent Flyer
mileage in the six figures, and only
one person who's actually cashed
in. (That guy, by the way, used the
miles to fly his family from Dallas
to Miami, and he ALREADY regret
ted it. After all, he was already 25
percent of the way to Athens, and
with Buster to watch this year's
Uama Exposition. See, the problem
with the llama market at this
particular point in time is that
people keep walking up to Buster
and the other llama breeders and
saying, "So what do you use them
And Buster says, "Pack animal."
And they just kinda nod and
chew a little bit.
"State parks department uses
llama pack trains to go up in the
"Uh-huh," they say.
"And, course, they make great
pets for kids."
And then they nod and chew
So what's needed is a llama
competition to show people just
EXACTLY what the highly trained
llama can do. And so that s what
they did. The llamas had to go
through a 10 step obstacle
course, including walking over a
log, ducking under a steel rod,
walking across a piece of plastic,
and climbing into a" horse trailer.
It was truly awe inspiring. Bus
ter's prize llama is named Oprah
Winfrey, and Oprah was a little
persnickety when it came to the
grueling back-up through a
gate competition. So Buster only
got fourth this year.
"Buster," I said, after it was all
over, "tell me again what you're
gonna use these llamas for. It's a
"This aint a pet," Buster said.
"This llama's an INVESTMENT."
"Y'all are all just gonna sell these
llamas to one another, arent you?
You're just gonna trade em back
"Luanne and me are gonna
RETIRE on the money we make
from these llamas. Joe Bob, do you
realize this is one of the oldest
pack animals in the world? Royalty
used to have 'em."
"Buster, people got PICK-UPS
now! People don't need pack
"That's the kind of negative
on Par ade
he wasted his miles on a domestic
Why has the whole country
turned into nerds because of a few
free handouts? I'm gonna start
asking people that sit next to me
on airplanes to discuss the MS-Dos
system on an IBM compatible PC
It's a much SEXIER conversation
"This is a 1,342-miler. I make it
twice a month."
"Wow! You must be racking up
some Frequent Flyer miles!"
"Me and the wife are going for
the 500,000 mile Bangkok-Hong
Kong-Helsinki package on JAL"
"I think I've heard about that
one. Does it include the donkey act
"We have no idea. But we just
thought, what the hail, FREE
FLYING, might as well take it."
"Otherwise you never would
"Night of the Demons," is the movie that asks the question "What happens when your date turns
zombie on you and starts eating off parts of your body?"
thinking that'll keep you from ever
amounting to anything in life."
"Buster, l think I'd rather own
a hunnerd thousand dollar pick-up
than a hunnerd thousand dollar
llama. If the llama dies, you cant
sell it for parts."
I guess that was the moment
when Buster cleaned my clock, we
used to be pretty good friends,
too. Buster, if you're reading this,
I'd like my hat back, even if it's all
Speaking of demon-faced crea
tures with no apparent purpose,
"Night of the Demons" is a new
flick just out from the guys who
made "Witchboard," and it's your
basic Spam-in-a-cabin Halloween
plot, about some California nerds
ters who use "party" as a verb ail
the time and think it'd be fun to
pop some brewskis in an aban
doned funeral parlor that was
built on an ancient Indian burial
have seen Helsinki."
"Nope. Or, we could fly to Vegas
and back 27 times. But the wife
told me she dont want to do
"That would be fun, too."
You guys realize what's gonna
happen, dont you? The airlines are
putting off dates on Frequent
Flyers now like "Use 'em in three
years or lose 'em." This means that
three years from now, ALL of us
will be going to Canberra, Australia,
at the same time! But that's not
even the worst part.
The worst part is that NONE of
us will want to be there. Well all
be over there wandering around
among the sagebrush staring at
the same koala bears and saying,
"Nan, see, I HAD to come. I had too
many Frequent Flyers NOT to
Didn't we already learn this
gratuitous Fu action
; fit "-r ri i --.-.-.oo:..... ftn,iB
ground when 17 or 18 people have
died horrible grisly deaths, includ
ing one Indian brave who was
found "gnawing on a papoose." He
probly choked to death on the
leather. After about a half hour
of plot, the cast starts turning into
"Solid Cold" dancers, especially
Angela, who wriggles around on
the floor like Tina Turner while her
body forms into a toad-monster.
And, of course, everybody who
enjoys sex must die.
No "Witchboard," but fairly
decent. Eight breasts. Eight dead
bodies. Seven undead bodies. Giant
katydid breather monster. Demon
disco dancing with strobe. Closeup
eyeball-gouging. Deadly neck
twisting. Mooning. Aardvarking in
a coffin. Heart staking. Demon
roasting. Head rolls. Arm rolls.
Tongue rolls. Gratuitous dead-rat
dangling, seance Fu. Demon Fu.
lesson with S & H Green Stamps
in the '50s and '60s? For a long time
it seemed like a great idea to go
to the grocery store, leave with
a basket of food and a 1 0-foot
strip of stamps, stay up all night
pasting them in a book so Mom
could get a free toaster and Dad
could have that baby-blue wind
breaker he was always wanting.
And then one day everyone just
quit collecting green stamps. It
might have been the day the
discount grocery down the street
grewed up the one that didnt
give away stamps but DID have
prices that were a nickel lower on
coffee and canned asparagus. Or
maybe it was the day Dad took
a big. trash can full of broken
electric can openers, bent toy
wagons, and ripped T-shirts that
said "Kick Me" on the back, out to
the Dempster Dumpster.
"What if we didnt go to the
Green Stamp store anymore?" Dad
Flamethrower Fu. Crematorium
Fu. Razorblades-in-an apple
Fu. Drive-in Academy Award nom
inations for Mimi Kinkade, as
Angela, for doing a Stevie Nicks
dance routing as a demon
possessed sex monster,- Linnea
Quigley, as Suzanne the demon, for .
doing the whole movie in a pink
tutu hiked up to here, seducing a
fat guy. and saying "Maybe I'm in
the mood for pork tonight"; Hal
Havins, as the obnoxious fat guy
necessary to the plot of every
horror movie, for saying "I cant
LIVE without my music" Alvin
Alexis, as the terrified son of a
preacher, best actor in the film,
who trembles through the whole
movie and says "We're dead; we've
all died and gone to hell"; and Joe
Augustyn, the writer, for the line
"Would you like a fudge log?"
Two and a half stars. Joe Bob
says check it out.
And Mom said, "Thank goodness
l dont have to figure THAT out
You can just take it out of the
price of my airplane ticket, if you
would, POR FAVOR.
mI.uII toll tit nf?
THE AMERICAN HEART
MEMORIAL PROGRAM .
WERE FIGHTING FOR