8DTHOmnibusThursday, February 16, 1989
mmm thoughts
By ELIZABETH ELLEN
Staff Writer
Remember the movie "Hair." in
which wacked out hippie types
belted out that classic astron
omicalastrological ditty about
how this was the dawning of the
Age of Aquarius? Well, anyway, I
do, but they were just wrong.
Today really is the dawning of the
aforementioned age. The sun
enters Aquarius today.
What does this astronomical
event imply about postmoder
nism? About political socialization
theory? About Echo & The Bunny
men? About major venomous
animals of the world?
Tarantulas are just about as
hairy and somewhat less danger
ous than those folks singing about
Aquarius. The hairiness factor is
what makes the spiders repulsive,
and their lack of cosmic vision
makes them no threat to the
status quo. And their venom isnt
all that bad, either, in short,
tarantulas have nothing to say,
they're boring, and they have no
place in the coming new age.
John Milton, on the other hand,
had plenty to say. He auditioned
for a bit part in "Hair but got
turned down because once during
his misguided youth he smoked
marijuana and advocated violent
overthrow of the establishment
This in itself was not so bad, except
that he proposed to replace the
establishment with a new regime
with the code name Age of Scor
pio. The idea never caught on,
Milton lost his chance at movie
stardom, and he took to writing
all sorts of dribble about paradise.
Having Milton read to one as an
impressionable infant is a leading
cause of randomness, according to
Surgeon General Koop. Look for an
informational flyer coming soon
to your mailbox,
Yesterday I went back to the
Carrboro post office, read the
"Carrboro Post Mark" sign above
the mail slot, got confused, and
walked out humming something
obscure by R.E.M.
Another sign to be nominated
for the Why Say What You Mean
Hall of Fame appears on a gas
pump in beautiful suburban Carr
boro. This gem reads, "Pay after
pumping during daylight hours."
The pump masters obviously trust
the public to apply sophisticated
logic in order to follow this mes
sage past twilight and infer what
one is to do at night.
Sophisticated logic is totally
unknown to contributors to The
Forerunner, the sorriest excuse for
journalism that appears regularly
on this campus. In fact, contribu
tors who exercise sophisticated
logic or believe that the sun will
enter Aquarius today are branded
as godless Communists or femi
nists and promptly terminated.
However, the current issue of
The Forerunner quotes Sheila
Barker, a student at Arizona State
University, who is masterful at
following an issue to a conclusion
(a logical conclusion would be too
much to ask). What follows from
the installation of condom
machines in a dorm is premarital
sex and immorality. "It's like put
ting a band-aid . on a festering
sore," she said as her Quote 0' The
week.
Inside sources revealed recently
that Ms. Barker wrote the original
version of the Violent Femmes
song "Blister in the Sun" and that
she plans to sue for her fair share
of the royalties.
Royalty in Sweden, and every
one else in Sweden for that mat
ter, have learned to adjust to
corporatism in government, sta
tistics show that a nation's pro
pensity toward corporatism is
inversely proportional to its geo
graphical distance from Sweden.
Tarantulas do not, as a rule, hang
out in Sweden. It's not the corpor
atism that bothers them really, or
the wide availability of condoms
on campuses. Hairy spiders just
don't like reading Milton in Swed
ish. Anyone, hairy or not, reading
Milton aloud from a Swedish
translation sounds rather like the
Swedish chef from "The Muppet
Show." For this reason, Swedes
dont read Milton to their babies
anymore, and the future of Swed
ish randomness is in jeopardy. Koop
is sending Dan Quayle over tomor
row to investigate. Let's hope we
can get by without him.
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