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111 U wULftlLailj X. .Jr i - J t Comical gets candid with Coach Choke By ANITA LAYBAD The man behind the Dook basket ball program's rise to excellence? Mike Chokeshevski (pronounced Sha-shef-ski). How did he do it? Let's go right to the little rodent now. The Comical: You have great teams every year and, though they tend to fixate at the sight of a tie game in the FINAL MINUTES, coach ... are you OK? You're not choking on your Cheetos, are you? Coach Choke: No, no, I'm fine, I just wish you would be a little more careful (cough) in choosing your words around here. My players might be listening, ya know. The Comical: It's OK, coach. You know the players are all in study hall right now. Which brings up our question, how do you graduate all of your players in this day and age? Coach Choke: Well, we really do expect all of our players to be athletic students, er, student athletes, here at Dook. We make sure they're studying all the time, unless, of course, they go over to Chapel Hill in search of some women. But, here at Dook, we just call that a different kind of education. Well study just about anything. The Comical: Yeah, sure, coach, have a little more wine with that cheese. And try to add "Winning a National Championship" to your players' reading list, will ya? By the way, do you mind if we talk to a few of your players? Coach Choke: Well, will it be multiple choice or essay? The Comical: Well, it will require more than a one-word answer. Coach Choke: (into P.A. system) Academic counselors for Alaaaa Aaabdelnaaaaby, Robert Bricklayer, Phil Hindersome, Queen Snyder and Crispy Baittner please report for duty immediately. Oh, and Danny, could you come up here and talk to this nice man? (30 seconds later) The Comical: Coach, there are more than 250 people in this room. There's probably enough cheese in here to feed you and all of your relatives for a year. Coach Choke: Well, you do know we take academics seriously here at Dook. You can talk to Danny, though, he's just swell all by himself. The Comical: OK, Danny. Why didn't you go pro last year? Fairy: Well, dont tell anybody, but we really haven't won anything here yet. (Ed. Note: NO SHIT, DANNY) Plus, I had a choice between banging with all of those big bodies in the NBA or banging here at Dook with all of these big bodies in the girls' dorms. Which would you choose? The Comical: Gee, Danny, you really are a smart guy. Passing up millions of dollars for a campus full of Grade D beef? No doubt about it," you get an 'A' in this class. (An 'A? 1 1 players and their 239 academic advisors rise and sing the Duke fight song in unison. Hindersome forgets the words and is immediately sus pended from the team indefinitely.) Coach, what did you do that for? Coach Choke: Well, we have our own set of standards here at Dook, and our players must live up to them. Plus, they get to learn the meanings of words like indefinitely, suspension and. classroom in a constructive manner. It's just another way that we educate our players. Why do you think we try to play Carolina three times a year? Watch and learn. Watch and learn. Watch and learn. After all, that's what it's all about, isnt it? Trump gets Dookie money, makes plans for campus change By Y. R. Reportz In an announcement which sent Dook Trustees into a tizzy, Doris Dook, the rich-as-dookie old bag tobackey airess, said she plans to leave her estate which she inherited from her father who conned people into smoking lots of cancer sticks to' her new love and adopted son, Donald Trump. Trump has never seen Dook, but he has expressed interest in purchas ing the school because he "likes things which look old, but really aren't." If he buys the school, Trump said he plans to turn one of the cheesy pseudo-Gothic buildings into a casino. I figure it's legal to gamble at Dook because most people sound like they're from Atlantic City, which is in New Joisey," he said. Explaining the Move-merger,' Dook said, "I was afraid Moonbeam would take off with the money" and follow ; the Dead around and take acid, a lot r like our SBP Tommy Semen does during Spring Break. I adopted .Donnie because I wanted to make ? him even more of a role model for , current and future Dook students." Buffy Wendelstein, an undersexed, bovine Dook business major from Mahwah, NJ., said: The last time I went to Atlantic City on a bus with my grandmother to spend her Social Security check, I got tingly all over when I thought of all the DeoDle he exploited and abused to get this far. I know that Dook can teach me these skills, especially if Donnie buys it out." H. G. Rection, a (see above major) from (see above place), was tickled to death when he heard Doris was adopting yet someone else. I am just glad I didn't get into Harvard or Yale or Dartmouth or Princeton or Penn or Cornell or Brown or Columbia because I don't think something this fortunate would ever happen at those snobby schools. I mean, how often do ya get to learn bidness from the Master of The Art of the Deal?" Hugh exclaimed. Trump, interviewed at the site of On the record Do me, not drugs. Our fellow New Joiseyite and graduation speaker, Jon Bon Jovi The Comical established 1905, AP machine bought 1904 Barbara Walters, Editor Gilligan and the Skipper, Managing Editors Leif Erikson, General Manager Liz Morgan, Stupid opinions Editor Maxine Grosswoman, News Editor Orange Peele, Sports Editor Lenore Yarger, New Joisey Editor Bundle O. Kooties, Production Editor Stinging Nettles, Production Manager Chris Grahamcracker, News Editor Brent Belvin, Losing Sports Editor Eddie Fluff, Features Editor Thomas Lattrine, Photosranhv Editor Greg Kramer, BMW Manager uneese uerger, senior Editor The opinions expressed in this newspaper are absolutely those of Duke University, its students, workers, administrators and trustees. Unsigned editorials represent the uninformed minority view of the staff. Columns, letters and cartoons represent the views of everyone else. Phone numbers: Editor:684-5469; NewsFeatures: 684-2663; Sports: 684-6115; Business Office:684-6106; Advertising Office; 684-381 1; Classifieds; 684-6106. Please call us to complain as often as possible. Editorial Office (That's the newsroom, we know you couldn't figure that out for yourselves): Third Floor Flowers Building; Business Office: 103 West Union Building; Advertising Office: 101 West Union Building. Copyright 1989 The Comical. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without the prior, written permission of the Business Office. - ' Dook's fall from the unbeaten ranks, said: "I don't know about this basketball thing. I mean, you rip down this gym and I could have Cameron Condos up in three weeks. And that Dook Chapel, what a waste of air space. That cross-type shape should be a capital P anyway." Trump also proposed buying BMWs for all the faculty and staff so they can keep up with the average Dookie. "I think it is important everyone looks rich even , if they aren't. They should also have trans portation to Chapel Hill so they can follow all the Dook students there to have a good time." Doris and Donnie have seques tered themselves in a resort in the Remember your last date? Been that long? We can help you saps get a date. Duke Dating Network 383-5193 - Ask for Nick Poconos, which are near New Joisev. so Trump can lay down his plans to screw over Dook. Jonnie Joisey but close. I mean, Maryland is kind of like Joisey because it is on the ocean. Me and Moonbeam are really close," Dook cooed. "Moon beam wants Jerry Garcia to be the speaker because he he had lone. stringy hair before Bon Jovi and did a lot oi drugs m the 60s, just like Moonbeam did. "Jon is the original big-hair rocker, shot back Semen: I have pictures of Jon from his early days hanging over my bed, and his lone. stringy hair was sexy even then. It gives me shivers. I hope I get to touch it." WE GOOFED Today's edition of The Comical accidentally includes several stories written by students. This error occurred late last night when our Associated Press wire machine broke down and we didnt know what else to do. The Comical regrets the error. WE' RE LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD STUDENTS TO CALL - WIRE TYPISTS. The Comical, Dook's sorry excuse for a newspaper, is looking for people who want to learn their way around a keyboard. Pick up an application from the Student Activities Office in Hoboken,N.J., or call Editor Baba Wawafor more info.
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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March 3, 1989, edition 1
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