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Joe Bob gives Hubbie Award
nominations: Best Fu of 1988
By JOE B03 BRIGGS
Several members of the Drive
in Academy leaked news of this
year's Hubbie nominees to the
international media. You know
who you are. You know what
we're gonna tell Jack valenti to do.
You know what will happen to
your free screening privileges at
the Bordertown Twin Drive-in in
Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. I'm afraid
that some of you are not taking
the affairs and the image of the
Drive-In Academy seriously
enough. Here are the nominees. I
dont want ANY complaining. If it
happens again next year, I'm
gonna have the new owner of the
Dallas Cowboys give you a public
Okay, here we go. Anybody
that's planning to vote in the
Hubbies needs to get his or her
ballot in during the next three,
four weeks. Anybody who
watched enough drive-in movies
to cause a) a divorce, b) permanent
brain damage or c) bankruptcy is
And the nominees are-.
"Action Jackson," the greatest
exploding-Camaro flick of the last
ten years; Craig R. Baxley. director.
"Bad Dreams," the Spam-in-a-Rubber-Room
classic about the gal
trying to escape the Charles Man
son pit-faced mutant-Buddhist
monster 14 years after he burned
up all her friends; Andrew Fleming,
"Brain Damage," the non-stop
puke-a-rama about a slimy brain
sucking parasite that lives in your
spine, takes four baths a day, looks
like a piece of dried-up beef jerky
with teeth, and sings like Cole
Porter,- Frank Henenlotter,
"Child's Play," about the devil
possessed toy doll that walks,
talks, strangles, snarls, cusses, bites,
stabs, murders and would like to
take over the body of a 6-year-old;
Tom Holland, director.
"They Live," about yuppie outer
space ghouls who live under
ground making Lee Press-On nails
commercials and talking to one
another through their Rolexes and
sending out riot squads to bull
doze the homeless; John Carpen
Dean Cameron In "Bad Dreams,"
as the gonzoid stand-up comic
who likes to ram knives through
the palm of his hand.
Clint Eastwood in "The Dead
Pool," for the scene where they
tell him they want him to work
in the public-relations
Rowdy Roddy Piper in "They
Live," as Nada the shotgun-toting
cowboy ghoul-hunter with the
Jim Turner of MTV fame, in
"Destroyer," as a wacked-out
special-effects crew loony.
Carl weathers as "Action Jack
son," the Detroit cop who loses his
lieutenant's stripes for ripping a
psycho's arm off, then wastes half
of Detroit for the good of
Patricia Charbonneau in "Call
Me," as the woman who puts on
her nightie and lounges around
every night HOPING the obscene
caller will call again.
Catherine Hicks, in "Child's Play"
as the mom who has what it takes
when it comes to fighting off
demon-possessed toy dolls.
Claire Higgins, as the sex-crazed
queen of hell in "Hellbound: Hell
raiser ll," probably the only woman
ever seen in the movies who had
no skin on and was still sexy.
Linda Purl in "Viper," as the lady
who gets hacked off when her
husband turns the ignition in his
car and gets exploded into bacon
bits while her 6-year-old daughter
is waving bye-bye, and spends the
rest of the movie leaping through
plate-glass windows and Rambo
izing evil G-men.
Jennifer Rubin in "Bad Dreams," .
as one of the most convincing
screamers in recent history.
BEST BAD GUY
Kenneth Cranham, in "Hellbound:
Hellraiser II," as the psychiatrist
obsessed with finding the ultimate
pleasure-pain sex experience, who
kisses a skinless bloody devil
woman square on the lips, then
tries to take over hell.
The Haiti Kid, as the maniac
homosexual killer midget with a
crowbar, doing the greatest
prison-fight scene in movie history
in "Penitentiary III."
Richard Lynch, in "Bad Dreams,"
as the Charlie Manson-Freddy
Krueger lookalike cult leader who
says "Your pain is my pain."
zakes Mokae in "The Serpent and
the Rainbow," as the Haitian
secret-service cop with a claw
hammer and a mug of human
blood, who jumps in your dreams
like Freddy Krueger, making snakes
come out of zombies' mouths and
eat you alive and making giant
jaguars chase you down with slow
motion zombie Cams, so he can
zombify you, hack off your body
parts and force tourists to fly Pan
Craig T. Nelson, in "Action Jack
son," as an evil industrialist, a
pusher, a murderer, a karate
expert who likes to beat up
Chinese guys for the fun of it, the
father of a psychotic mass mur
derer, a serial wife-killer and the
kind of guy who would promise
a young impressionable girl a
Motown contract and then not
Lyle Alzado in "Destroyer," as a
mass-murderer maniac they tried
to fry in the electric chair but they
didnt have enough juice to do
anything except scramble his
brains and explode some blood
vessels on the side of his skull and
ever since then he's been hanging
around the abandoned prison,
waiting for dinner to walk in.
Lucinda Dickey in "Cheerleader
camp," as the girl who cant make
cheerleader and so she's doomed
to live out her life as the icky
mascot, in an alligator costume,
until she finds a way to get her
revenge on the popular girls.
Kane Hodder, as Jason in "Friday
the 13th Part VII," for using mod
ern electronic gardening equip
ment and bringing the character
into the nineties by letting his ribs
Sal Viviano, as the satanic rock-and-roller
in "Black Roses" who
turns out to be the day-uh-vil.
Robert Z'dar in "Maniac Cop," as
the cop who was thrown into Sing
Sing for busting people's heads
open without reading them their
rights, got surrounded, slashed
across the face a hundred times,
stabbed through the brain and
now is a little upset.
Doug Bradley, as Pinhead the
number one cenobite, the guy
with nails stuck in his face, in
"Hellbound: Hellraiser ll."
Chucky the Doll, in "Child's Play,"
the talking toy doll possessed by
the soul of a psycho devil-worship
murderer, who likes to knock
baby-sitters through six-story
windows with a ball pen hammer.
Elmer, the brain-sucking parasite
who lives in the bathtub and sings
Cole Porter tunes, in "Brain
Meg Foster, the sexy collabor
ator with outer-space ghouls, in
Elvira, aka Cassandra Peterson,
in "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark,"
whose ambition in life is to paste
whirlybirds on her breasts and do
the double-windmill flying-tassel
bouncing-bazooma Vegas show
girl production number.
Rebecca Ferrati in "Gor," another
Playboy Playmate with a sword
and a loincloth, who says "Just
remember to treat me like a
Valerie Hartman in "Sleepaway
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Roddy Piper, one of the Hubbie nominees for best actor
Camp 2," as the sex-crazed girl who
says "Great, thanks a lot listen,
you dont have AIDS or anything,
Dona Speir, in "Picasso Trigger,"
for repeatedly wearing skin-tight
diving suits and getting herselves
very wet. and for delivering this
line-. "The issue at hand is a woman
who sleeps with an international
criminal and does it in the name
of the United States government!"
vanity, in "Action Jackson," as a
junkie lounge singer who sings two
torch songs, pops her top, shoots
up with Horse, and wears a dress
she's in danger of falling out of at
Elizabeth Kaiten, Tammara
Souza, and Christina Whitaker, in
"Assault of the Killer Bimbos," for
Hairspray Fu, Super Glue Fu, Un
gerie Fu, Makeover Fu, and, of
course, Bimbo Fu.
Sho Kosugi in "Black Eagle," for
painting his body black, grabbing
a silver crossbow and a rope, and
exploding several dozen Russians
for world peace.
Jean Claude van Damme, in
"Bloodsport," for Kung Fu Ninjitsu,
Taekwondo, full contact karate,
boxing, rassling, sitting on people,
doing the splits 400 times, and
wasting 84 Chinese guys.
Carl weathers in "Action Jack
son," for Kung Fu, Ninja Fu, Bimbo
Fu, Flying Taxi Fu, and Vanity Fu.
BEST. DIALOGUE '
Theo Barnes in "Brain Damage"
"Yo'U-'fddl! 'You're." feeding him
Jill Carroll in "The Unholy":
"Father, please make love to me."
Patti D'Arbanville in "Call Me"
"You saw a murder? well, dont
dwell on it."
Lucinda Dickey in "Cheerleader
Camp" "All she ever thinks about
is getting honey on her muffin."
Marsha Dietlein in "Return of the
Uving Dead Part ll" "They're ugly
and they're dirty and they're
dumb and I dont even care if they
ARE dead, they're not touching
Patty Duffek, also known as Miss
May 1984, in "Picasso Trigger": "I'm
gonna hit the Jacuzzi!"
Buck Flower in "Cheerleader
Camp" "Look at that one in the
black hair and the purple dress -when
she jumps up and down, it
looks like two pigs fighting in a
David Gale, as he watches a giant
brain eat a nurse in "The Brain"
"That's food for thought."
Peter Jason in "They Uve" "The
world needs a wake-up call, and
we're gonna phone it in!"
Elizabeth Kaitan in "Assault of
the Killer Bimbos": "IH NEVER learn
to be a go-go dancer I feel so
stupid l should have gone to
Sly Rocky Rambo in "Rambo ill":
"I'm no tourist."
Harry Dean Stanton in "The Last
Temptation of Christ": "So, Laza
rus, how do you feel?"
Rufus Swart in "Gor": "You MUST
learn to curb your anger - these
Broode Theiss in "A Nightmare
on Elm Street 4: The Dream Mas
ter: "I dont spend hours working
out to let some night-stalker beat