DTHOmhibusTh'ursday, March 3b,' 19893 '
Reviewing the movie "Leviathan"
Joe Bob speaks: Trendy monsters and Yuppie couples
By JOE BOS BRICCS
Syndicated columnist
One time when I was in San
Francisco I met this couple, Brad
and Trudy Brinker, who are" the
most up-to-date people I know in
America. They're so up-to-date,
they've already stopped using
cellular phones and moved on to
AT&T ear implants. They're so
modern that they dont just go
on 14-day wine-tasting vacations.
They go on 1 4-day wine-swmmng
vacations, at their own 14 vine
yards, where they grow the
grapes, make the wine, and print
up the little menus with curlicues
on 'em. These people are so trendy
that they bought a house, but
they didnt have' time to live in
the house, so they bought some
people to live in the house for
them. Have I made my point here?
Anyhow, the latest thing that
Brad and Trudy did is they went
for six days to Big Sur to a Creative
Primal Divorce Encounter. This,
stuff is so far beyond EST, you
have to have an American Express
platinum card just to order the
brochure. What it is. all these
couples go out in the woods and
have a ceremony where they
recite some Indian poetry and
symbolically divorce one another.
Then they let that set in for three,
four days. Let's face it, you've just
turned loose 50, 60 people thatVe
been married for a combined total
of 400 years, what do you think
is gonna happen? These people are
out there Significant-Othering
their brains out
Then they get a Unitarian priest
to come in and show a porno video
while they sit with their original
partners and communicate about
what turns them on about Marilyn
Chambers' body. Then the Unitar
ian guy sends 'em back into the
woods to write down sentences
Fighting hunger the inexpensive way
Franklin Street full of
By BRYAN BURNS
Staff Writer
Between the clothing shops and
small cafes, Franklin Street has
that special something that makes
it perfect for a college town. What
could that vital element be? Fast
food restaurants.
Sure, there are plenty of nice
places to eat on Franklin. If you're
in a literary mood, the Hardback
Cafe is good, and the Carolina
Coffee Shop is always lovely. But
sometimes nothing will satisfy
hunger like the instant and eco
nomic splendor of fast food.
One of the best values on Frank
lin Street is definitely Taco Bell. Not
only is the food muy bueno, but
they've got bargain prices. For
only 59 cents you can get every
thing from Cinnamon Crispas, the
Mexican deep-fried ambrosia, to
tacos and burritos. Taco Bell also
features free refills on drinks and
in spiral notebooks that start out
"One thing I've never told you
about myself is . . Or "One thing
I cant stand about you is . . ."
And then the answers are stuff
like "You remember that time I
went to Fort Worth and you
thought it was weird? Well, it was
weird. Boy, was it weird. She was
105 pounds of Kinko City. I shoulda
told you, but I was chicken." And
then you take your spiral note
book and you give it to your
Significant Other, and he or she
takes it off into the woods by him
or herself and writes an answer
in there like "You need professional
help, jerk!" And then the Unitarian
priest brings you back together in
a giant therapy group where you
can go through the Primal Divorce
proper, screaming at each other
like weasels being sliced up in a
coffee grinder.
Once this is over, you both cry
for a long time. Crying is very
important. "Brad cried five differ
ent times during the week." Trudy
told me. "The next best husband
only cried three times."
And then they all have some
apple juice and talk about the
sexual urges they had when they
were eight years old but were too
embarrassed to tell anybody but
now they can. And then they hug.
Hugging is very important. And
then they all go out for cappuc
cino. Cappuccino is very, very
important
And then they all bid fond
farewells and head for home,
where they are renewed,
refreshed, alive again, and they
start lying to one another with
a clean slate.
I find this stuff fascinating.
Speaking of trendy face-eating
monsters, I went to see "Levia
than" and it's "Aliens" underwater
same exact movie, except this
a student discount, so make sure
to flash your university l.D. for an
extra 10 percent off, even on sale
items.
More good news the Subway
on Franklin St. has finally reopened.
They've been remodeling, and
although their alterations dont
seem to have made a drastic
difference in the store, it looks
great. Basically, they moved the
counter to a different angle, but
I'm sure the employees enjoyed a
vacation.
Anyway, Subway is back and I'm
excited. With such a variety of
sandwich choices, it's hard to go
wrong. And although Sadlack's and
Roman Wings offer some compe
tition, Subway is still tops.
On the west end of Franklin is
the fast-food palace of the Yellow
M, I mean the Golden Arches. As
if the food isnt enough to draw
A
To
Richard Crenna (left)
time the giant wormy stomach
eating slimehead gooey-gut dna
mutants were created by the
Russians. The Russkies were down
on the ocean floor trying to breed
a half-man, half-fish, things got a
little out of control, they forgot
to watch the 1961 Japanese classic
"Octama" or they would have
known what can go wrong, and
then whoops! their ship ends -up
on the bottom of the ocean
full of skeletons and stingrays the
size of Cadillacs. Here come the
Americans dum de dum de dum
de dum who find the ship, and
what are they interested in? The
vodka, of course. But it was the
vodka the Russians were using to
drug the Russkie guinea pigs. So
pretty soon you got an undersea
mining city full of zombie Amer
icans that keep sprouting new
'fun'
you there, McDonalds periodically
offers special attractions. For
example, the temporary appear
ance of McRib, barbecued meat
pressed into a rib-like shape, prov
ing further that "parts is parts."
But McDonalds is now adding
the excitement of a contest to the
flavor of the food. The new
Scrabble contest brings the intel
lectual board game to life with
enough chances so that one in
three people can win. That one
person might win a million dollars.
That one person might win
Chicken McNuggets. The possibili
ties are frightening.
So Franklin St. has burgers, tacos
and subs. What more could you
want? Pizza. If you're willing to
splurge, Pizza Hut is supreme, and
Peppers is your only other real
choice. For pizzayour best bet is
to stay home and get delivery.
VI
x - I
is:' w afcw "
i : r
has a flashback to "The Real McCoys" in "Leviathan'
limbs and teeth in the palms of
their hands. Everybody starts
looking like a giant crocodile that
just got bulldozed and soaked with
Aunt Jemima pancake mix and
then beat on for half an hour with
a bag of ball bearings. In other
words. "Aliens." Same deal. But
instead of Sigourney Weaver,
you've got Amanda PaysWe're
talking some serious genetic-DNA
mucus here.
Six dead bodies. Giant earth
worms. Closeup neck surgery. Fish
scale skin. Purple pus-oozing. Wrist
slitting. Mutant head rolls. Mutant
arm rolls. Exploding mutant.
Stomach-eating worm monsters.
Blood-sucking crocodile Dracula
thingey. Gratuitous shark attack.
Gratuitous Meg Foster, crab Fu.
Metal shop tool Fu. Ramethrower
Fu. Vodka Fu. Drive-in Academy
fast-food fare
Sure, there's Dominos, but put
away that meal card, be adven
turous, spend cash. Again, Pizza
Hut is tops, but economically,
Gumby's and University Pizza
dominate, in addition to getting
Gumby's cheap prices and coupons,
you can collect 10 box-top proofs
of purchase and get a free Gumby
Dammit. University also has good
prices, and they became well
known by delivering condoms
along with the pizza during Con
dom Awareness Week. Even more
importantly, the pizza tastes
good.
These are the big fast-food,
features on Franklin, but dont
settle or this. Take a risk and go
exploiing on your own. You never
know just what might be hiding
at Hector's or Hardees. You might
stumble across a delicious, afford-,
able treat that you can get at. any
hour of the night.
, r
jf v'i
Award nominations for Daniel
Stern, as the resident geek who
watches his friend almost get his
head blown off, then tells him he
once saw a guy "blow his suit" and
there was nothing left of him so
"we just buried his helmet"; Peter
weller, as the numero uno scient
ist, for kicking underwater hiney,
Amanda Pays, as the Sigourney
weaver type, for helping Peter
Weller kick underwater hiney:
Ernie Hudson, as the maintenance
guy that hates waves; and George
P. Cosmatos, the man who
directed "Rambo," who only made
one mistake he killed off a good
guy AFTER THE MOVIE WAS OVER.
(Bummer at the end. Nobody likes
it.) Other than that, fine job,
George.
Three and a half stars. Joe Bob
says check it out.
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