12DTHOmnibusThursday, April 6, 1989
Joe Bob's Wisdom on Parade
ByJ82C03C2!GCS
Syndicated columnist
Newsweek been taking polls
about God again. I hope He's
getting side of it, cause you know
what? if 77 people say they believe
there's a heaven, and 23 people say
they dont, Cod's just liable to say.
"OK, you guys that are so cocksure
can go right now."
Newsweek also found out that
76 percent of Americans think
they're going to heaven, its a
good thing my West Texas Baptist
pastor, the Reverend T. Bailey
Withers, wasnt around to see
that, cause he would of been up
in the pulpit saying those people
don't have any chance at all.
"Cause there's nothing more dan
gerous," he would say, "than a man
that dont know how much evil's
in him."
out who oughta go to heaven. The
next Newsweek poll oughta ask it
like this:
1. Have you done everything
you can do throughout your
entire life to get into heaven?
Yes: 2 percent (These people go
straight to hell for lying.)
No. 98 percent (These people still
have a chance.)
2. Have you done everything
you can do most of the time to
get into heaven?
Yes: 45 percent (They're not.
only lying to you, they're lying to
themselves. Straight to heiL)
NO: 55 percent (These people are
still hanging in there.)
3. Dp you love your neighbor?
Yes: 65 percent (Straight to hell
for lying.)
NO: 2 percent (Straight to hell
for not caring.)
iVe got a better way of figuring sometimes: 33 percent (OK, well
Upcoming; Concerts
Dean E. Smith Center
Call the ticket office, 962-0176,
for information.
fcEM at 8 p.m. on April 22.
Tickets: $1 7.50 (Sold Out)
Wizard of Oz live at 7:30 p.m.
on April 1 3. 14; 2 p.m. and 7:30 p.m.
on April 15, 2 p.m. on April 16.
Tickets: $9, $10, $11 (depending on
seat)
Greensboro Coliseum
Call the box office, 373-7474, for
information.
Gnderella at 7:30 pm on April
16. Ticketron tickets: $18.75.
Bobby Brown, LeVert and Karyn
white at 730 pm on April 29.
Ticketron tickets: $17.75.
Premortal Auditorium. Raleigh
Call the box office, 755-6060, for
information.
The Replacements at 8 p.m. on
April 12. Tickets: $13.50.
Charlotte Coliseum
Call the box office, 357-4738, for
information. Tickets are available
at all Ticketron outlets.
Sandi Patti at 7:30 p.m. on April
8. Tickets: $12.50, $11.50 and $9.50.
Cinderella at 7:30 pm on April
19. Tickets: $17.50.
Conway Twitty and George
Jones at 8 pm on April 1 2. Tickets:
$16.50.
R.EM at 7:30 pm on April 23.
Tickets: $17.50.
Scope. Norfolk, Va.
Call the box office. (804) 441
2161, for information.
Bobby Brown, LeVert and Karyn
White at 8 pm on April 23. Tickets:
$16.50.
The Boathouse. Norfolk, Va
call the box office, (804) 441
2161, for information.
The Replacements at 8 pm. on
April 10. Advance tickets: $9.
David Crosby at 8 pm on April
11. Advance tickets $9.
Third World at 8 pm on April
12. Advance tickets: $14.
Til Tuesday at 8 pm. on April 14.
Advance tickets: $9.
Cuadal Canal Diary at 9 pm. on
April 29. Advance tickets: $9.
Compiled by Ellen Thornton,
assistant Omnibus editor.
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ask it again.)
4. Do you love your neighbor as
yourself?
Yes: 40 percent (Even worse.
You go to hell first.)
No 60 percent (You've got a
chance.)
. 5. Do you love your enemy?
Yes: 5 percent (Liar, liar, pants
on fire.)
No 75 percent (OK, maybe.)
No way, Jose! 20 percent (Buy
an asbestos suit)
6. Do you love that one partic-
Starts
Tomorrow
ular enemy that screwed up your
whole life?
Yes: 1 percent (Liar.)
"Yes. I forgive him" 89 percent
(Straight to hell, for being a self
righteous jerk trying to make
people think you're a forgiving
saint)
Nope: 10 percent. (Still hope
here J
Do you see how honesty helps?
7. Right now, which one do you
deserve, heaven or hell?
Heaven: 20 percent (There are
some schoolmarm types you just
cant get through to.)
Hell: 80 percent (Most people
have enough theology to answer
this one rignt)
8. Based on your future life, now
that you know what's going on,
which one do you deserve, heaven
or hell?
Heaven: 99 percent
Hell: 1 percent
"Hallelujah!" the Reverend would
say to that one percent.
Unfortunately, the Reverend
Withers isnt around anymore and
so people dont know this, instead,
they think "being nice" will get em
there. Or, 94 percent of em do
anyway. The rest of em are at a
tent revival in West Texas where
sinners are forced to read News
week magazine.
MICHAEL CHRISTOPHER PETER STEPHEN
KEATON LLOYD BOYLE FURST
This morning they were playing ping-pong in the hospital rec room.
Now they're lost in New York and framed for murder.
This was never covered in group therapy.
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