The Tar.HeelThujsday, July, 27 1 9891 5
Reaching back onto the natural world
To a degree impossible in any
previous century, it's quite possible
to live and die in ;he city without
having any real understanding of what
goes on in rural areas. In some cases,
without ever really seeing a rural area.
More than this, there's a separa
tion as never before of those who
work with their hands and those who
don't.
We can go straight from the cradle
to the grave without ever actually
making anything tangible. Such is the
life of the college student who gradu
ates to work for an investment bank
and spends the rest of his life shuf
fling pieces of paper and watching
hypothetical values go up and down.
A strange world, where we are so
separated from the land we came from.
Not understanding the land, or the
sea or the life of the craftsman is
unhealthy. It's easy for an executive
to make a decision that affects the
environment in troublesome ways
when he has no clue what the envi
ronment really is, when he has never
woken up to find his carefully nur
tured strawberry plants blighted by a
late frost.
Search on' for a
Seeing as how this is the last regu
lar issue of the Tar Heel, and after
this I'm out of a job and a regular
columnists slot, I'd better leave you
with some words of wisdom. So here
they are:
Look both ways before crossing.
Now you can't say I never said
anything wise, because if you do, you
might get hit by a car and die. This
column does have some moral fiber,
and we all need fiber every day to
prevent cancer and keep us regular.
So there are three important things
this column is doing. Nyah, nyah.
Well, now that the purpose part of
the column is out of the way, I can
get on to the more important busi
ness of shoveling on the b.s.
Speaking of b.s., recently I was
standing in the express line at a local
Food Lion waiting for some pinhead
in front of me who had well over 10
items to check out, when I noticed
something strange and unusual which
I had never noticed before: There's
an eye over the pyramid on a dollar
bill. Had you ever noticed this be
fore? I hadn't, and it caused me such
great consternation that I uttered
aloud, "Hey, this causes me great
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Jim Greenhill
Staff Columnist
Even birth and death become more
difficult to comprehend. A man used
to the certainty of a stamped-out
condominium, a sooty stretch of free
way and nine to five at the air-conditioned
office with the windows that
don't open will be traumatized by
the sudden death of his wife in a
tragic auto wreck.
Our lives are so distant from cold
reality. People die in hospitals, be
hind windowless walls, surrounded
by professionals.
Nature has her routine too, and
the lucky ones among those who live
and work on the land can expect :o
live her rhythms for their natural lives.
But death is a part of the cycle too. I
remember riding into town with :he
farmer down the lane who was tak
ing a ewe to the veterinarian.
There are those who would be
horrified by the thought of a ten-year-old
watching a man drive with one
John Bland
Less Filling
consternation!," at which time the little
old lady behind me offered me a bottle
of Metamucil and I couldn't find the
heart to tell her what I had really
said.
Actually, right after that I saw a
headline that really rocked my world.
It was so shocking and disturbing
that I misspelled "one" on my check.
The headline, in bold black ink on
the front page of the Weekly World
News, read (and I can't be making
this up): "Mechanical toilet shoots
oldster through ceiling."
Now I don't want to hear any snick
ering, because I am trying to make a
serious point here. This is clearly a
matter of grave importance, and
somebody is going to be in deep doo
doo when the stuff hits the fan about
this one. I can just see them now
over at American Standard: "Oh God,
Phillips! You remember that Toilex
2000 model we shipped out without
testing! Well, guess what?"
hand and try to hold the innards of a
sheep inside the still-moving body
with the other.
But there's nothing traumatizing
about it. It's part of life, that an ani
mal could give birth to twins and die
as a result.
Even my first awareness of the
sex act came from Tony Cradick's
farm. He was moving a herd of cows
from one field to another. They were
stopped for a moment while he
struggled with a rickety old wooden
gate. One climbed up on another's
back. "Stop them from doing that,"
Cradick said.
"Why do they do that?" I asked.
"Instinct. But they're not supposed
to be doing it right now."
He didn't explain any more, and
it wouldn't have been appropriate for
him to do so. But when I came to ask
my parents about the birds and the
bees, the solitary life of certain bulls
separated from the heffers in their
own pastures gave me a clue as to
what the answers would be.
We all have different roles, and
the role of the stock broker is to as
focus for this coiymmi
And think about what's going to
happen when the government gets its
hands all over this mess (and they
probably won't even wear rubber
gloves).
I can see it now: All over the coun
try men and women will be afraid of
heeding nature's call. Outhouses will
come back into vogue, sparked by a
Yuppie backlash. We'll have out
houses in Manhattan, outhouses in
Georgetown, outhouses on Cape Cod.
We'll have duplex outhouses in the
suburbs, multi-unit outhouses for
condos (probably kind of like a
drydock). The White House will get
its own deluxe outhouse (Dan will
get a kiddie pot), but Congress will
just keep on using the same old shovel.
I'm not kidding, dammit! This is
a serious matter! Killer toilets are out
there! This is not a time for cheap
jokes!
If you write me I'll sell you some
for a dollar, though.
Going from the ridiculous to the
stupid, I've been doing a lot of think
sist in the complex process by which
corporations receive the funding that
enables them to create millions of
jobs and manufacture products that
make our lives easier.
But this summer I was shocked to
see how my perspective had changed
in five years away from people who
use their hands and make real things.
I've been working on a construc
tion site some afternoons this sum
mer. It's been a particular pleasure to
see wooden framing for new floors
and walls carefully fitted by expert
carpenters, to feel the texture of the
wood, to smell the pine.
One day I walked down Franklin
Street in my muddy clothes. I'd been
on my hands and knees in a crawl
space. I realized that most on the street
were wearing crisp, pressed clothes.
Seeing a friend, I was embarrassed
for a moment then annoyed. Why
do we make judgments about the value
of different people's jobs when we
need the street sweeper every bit as
much as we need the rock star?
One of my co-workers put it the
best.
ing about life lately, and I've decided
that my philosophy is basically
summed up by these words: "Won
der Twins unite!" No, sorry, that's
not it. It's "This is the famous
Budweiser beer. We know of no other
" No, not it either. Wait, I know
this... don't tell me... it's... it's... Oh,
yeah. It's this:
"I been searchin' ever whi-i-i-i-ich
a-way."
You know who said that, don't
you? Nope, not Sartre, not Nietzsche,
not Descartes. The Coasters. I think
that pretty much sums up everybody's
philosophy of life, too. It's pretty
existential. The Coasters were a lot
smarter than most people believe.
Think about their song "Along Came
Jones:"
"And then along came JonesSlow
walking Jones, low-talking Jones
Along came lonely, lanky Jones."
This is basically self-explanatory.
They're talking about the Second
Coming.
The Coasters were way ahead of
their time. They covered the legacy
Editor Dave Glenn
Assistant Editor Sarah Cagle
Assistant Editor John Bland
Staff Reggie Alston, Amy Andrews, Randy Basinger,
Maddie Bauman, Beth Boorman, Paul Boyd, Paul Bredder
man, Richard Broadwell, George Brooks, Jennifer Brunne
mer, Chris Chalfant, Eric Chasse, Joanna Davis, Susan Dellin
ger, Dawn Delvecchio, Stacia Fairchild, Kelly Ferrell, Natalie
Godwin, Jim Greenhill, Jada Harris, Johanna Henderson, David
Hildreth, Gary Jacobs, Jason James, Susan Jensen, Sheila
Johnston, Jim Justice, Gray Kelly, Jeff Kiel, Ramesh Krish
naraj, Elizabeth Murray, Mike Partridge, Al Ripley, Erik Ro
gers, Jason Sanford, Theresa Seastrom, Donna Sellers, Eliza
beth Sherrod, Brian Springer, Barbie Stuckey, Cameron Tew,
John Voncannon.
Apprentice Jamey White said he
was in a bar one evening. There were
two other men at the bar a doctor
and an attorney. "They asked me what
I do," he said. When he told them,
they acted as though his job were
somehow less important than their
own.
So White asked "Who built the
houses you live in?"
They didn't say anything else about
it.
Because, when the environment
finally quits taking the abuse we've
been giving it and the resources we've
been squandering start drying up,
those of us who have sat behind desks
all our lives and think food comes
from styrofoam containers and shel
ter arrives on a truck, will be the first
to go.
More likely, our perceptions of
what kind of work is important and
what is less so will shift. And that
might not be a bad thing.
Jim Greenhill is a senior journal
ism and English major from London,
England.
of Adam and Eve in "Poison Ivy,"
tackled child abuse in " Yakety Yak,"
and took on labor relations in "Get a
Job."
And, of course, in this eloquent
treatise, they got the double whammy
of education and bald white kids:
"Who walks in the classroom cool
and slowWho calls the English
teacher 4 daddy-o 'Charlie Brown,
Charlie BrownHe's a clownThat
Charlie BrownHe's gonna get caught,
just you wait and seeOh why's eve
rybody always pickin' on me?"
John Bland is a senior English
major from Charlotte who firmly
believes that The Trashmen's classic
epic "Surfin' Bird" is really an ob
scure Babylonian dialogue between
God and Satan. Listen (translated
version)' "Papa-papa-hoo-ma-mow-mow,
papa-hoo-ma-mow-mow."
"Everybody's heard about the bird
Don't you know that the bird is the
word?"
I rest my case.
Hasta la vista, baby.