DTH Omnibus Page 3
Thursday September 14, 1989
lSA'y WHAT?
Lookins back to the best of
Ihate classes. Yesterday, I missed
one of the best episodes of Gidget
because I had to take this stupid
midterm.
I suppose I could watch something
if I really tried, but there's no cable
hookup in Murphy 111, and my his
tory professor might get a little upset
when "duh-DUH-duh-DUH...Like
sands through the hourglass, so are
The Days of Our Lives... doodle-oodle-oo"
interrupts a deep discussion of
the Cuban missile crisis.
Of course, soap operas are one
thing, but if you want to get down to
the real nitty-gritty of television his
tory, we'll have to go back many years,
to when we were mere lads and las
sies with no further concerns than
who was going to get to play com
mander of the backyard SWAT team
and lead the attack against Zsa Zsa,
Old Lady Hubble's killer poodle.
So let's talk el cheapo Japanese
Come back, Danger -
Since the break-up of Sonny and
Cher in the mid-'70s, scholars
and philosophers have lamented
the decline of western civilization
and the end of American prominence
as we knew it.
I admit that until this weekend I
had never really thought about the
cultural and moral collapse of our
society (unless you count discussions
after a heated 30 minutes of the now
defunct Morton Downey Jr. Show),
but as I celebrated a timeless Satur
day morning ritual, I was forced to
confront face to face the downfall of
the last bastion of true art.
I admit that most Saturday morn
ings are a time for one thing sleep!
Once a year, however, there is a spe
cial Saturday when children around
the globe crawl out of bed to enjoy
what makes this country great
cartoons. Last Saturday was that
magical morning when the major
networks unveiled their new contri
butions to cartoondom.
Being an educated and art-loving
kind of a guy, I set my alarm clock
for 7:30 a.m. to make certain I didn't
miss The New Adventures of the Gummi
Bears and The Winnie the Pooh Hour.
At 8:50 a.m, I woke up to catch the
last ten minutes of the madcap an
tics of Pooh, Christopher Robin,
Tigger and the rest of the gang in
the Hundred Acre Woods (not to be
confused with the now defunct Big
Woods near Kenan). Grabbing my
blanket, my re mmate's industrial size
box of Keebler Animal Crackers and
nursing a slight hangover, I settled
down for a morning of cartoon ap
preciation. I must admit I was disap
pointed. Remember the "good ole days"
when Bugs Bunny was an hour and a
John Bland
gfi AMU
foam-rubber badly-dubbed Rodan
Godzilla Mothra rip-offs from hell.
Let's talk pre-Oprah Geraldo Do
nahue bisexual nuns from Alabama
or People's Superior Supreme Divorce
Court Wheel of Jeopardy.
Let's grab a big bag of Fritos, a
couple Ho-Ho's and a can of Pepsi,
lie down on our stomachs with our
eyes about four inches from the screen,
kick our legs in the air and watch
some damn TV!
The Banana Splits. This is a
golden oldie. How can anyone forget
"Danger Island," "Robin Hood on
Mars" and "Squiddly Diddly"? How
can anyone forget the lovable hosts
Charles Brittain
half and Speed Buggy sputtered across
our screens? Well, those thrilling days
of yesteryear are dead. Now kids are
watching future classics like Rude Dog
& the Dweebs and Dink, the Little
Dinosaur as they gulp down their
sugar-fortified Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtle (or is it Ninja Teenage Turtle
Mutants?) cereal.
As if this isn't bad enough, some
genius at NBC programming decided
that three mediocre feature films were
not enough, and blessed us with The
Karate Kid Cartoon. In this one,
Daniel, Miyagi-san and an Okina
wan girl named Taki wander from
Saturday to Saturday searching for a
sacred totem holding the power of
Miyagi's karate (Yeah, right, and I
thought part III was bad! ).
Not to be outdone, ABC is hop
ing to cash in on the movie tie-in
idea with the new Beetkjuice cartoon
which features animated projectile
vomiting fu (a la Joe Bob). I liked
Micheal Keaton in the movie, but I
haven't seen anything this bad since
the Wondertwins and Gleep the
purple space monkey joined the
Superfriends or Scrappy Doo teamed
up with his Uncle Scooby.
Speaking of Scrappy, I used to love
watching Scooby, Shaggy, Freddie,
Thelma and Danger-prone Daphne
cruise around the countryside in their
orange and blue Mystery Machine. I
didn't care where they got the money
for gas and all those Scooby Snacks
or if they wore any other clothes. I
just wanted to solve a mystery and
sliding down that slide Binkman,
Measle, Goober and Stud? (No, sorry,
those guys were the leaders of the
Fuquay-Varina chapter of Hell's
Angels.) -
The Banana Splits were Bingo,
Fleagle, Snooper and ... who? Who
was the fourth Banana Split? What
was the fourth Banana Split? Bingo
was a Monchichi, Heagle was a beagle,
and Snooper was the elephant with
the Vuarnets. All right, all right, look
at the question on page 9 in the
Omnibus survey and give us the name
and species of the fourth Banana Split,
if you can. Grad students, you're eli
gible, too. Remember, you're doing
this for the good of mankind.
By the way, if you remember the
theme song, and I think we all do,
you can sing those words the next
time you listen to Bob Marley's "Buf
falo Soldier." I think there was a little
plagiarism here on Bob's part.
prone Daphne; we
listen to their cool chase music! It
all changed when Scrappy came
along. I guess they thought he was
cute running around screaming
"PUPPY POWER!" at the top of his
munchkin lungs. I just thought he
was damn annoying.
While I'm on the subject of ob
noxious life forms, maybe it's just me,
but every time I see Pee Wee Her
man bounce around his playhouse I
think about how nice it would be to
give him an Uzi lobotomy. Do you
ever get the feeling that there was a
little too much in-breeding in his
family tree? And just think, this guy
replaced Bugs, Daffy and Foghorn
Leghorn on CBS.
Have you seen what's been done
to Bugs Bunny and the rest of Mel
Blanc's children? Their show has been
shoved to an 11 a.m. time slot and
the cartoons have been edited so
poorly that it's often impossible to
notice anything resembling a plot.
Remember when Daffy tried to
convince Elmer that it wasn't duck
season, but Elmer, being a true Ameri
can sportsman, blew Daffy's bill off
anyway? Today's young cartoon view
ers will never be able to appreciate
that because all they see are clips of
some black duck walking around with
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the bad
The Addams Family. There's bad
bad television, like Gomer Pyle, and
then there's good bad television, like
this bizarre show. I've been trying all
my life to get my hair as long as
Cousin Itt's, but it just keeps getting
more and more like Uncle Fester's.
Ultraman. You could probably
rank this with Space Giants and Spec
treman, but this was the first, and the
best, cruising along with the Hiata
and the rest of the Space Patrol look
ing for six-foot tall actors in foam
rubber suits kicking around Tokyo's
paper skyline. God, what a job!
The Land of the Lost. The only
entry from the world of Sid and Marty
Krofft. We're talking "Attack of the
Stupid White People" here. How
ever, the slimy-green, elevator-shod
Sleestak were too good to waste in
such a lame show. I'd like to see them
make a comeback attempt, kind of
like Donny Osmond. Chaka could
his bill on top of his head.
I understand that violence in
children's television is a problem, but
how can we edit Bugs Bunny and
still allow a show like the American
Gladiators to run on Saturday morn
ing? I sat for 30 minutes and watched
six "gladiators" with names like
Gemini, Nitro, and Zap try to beat
the crap out of contestants in Coliseum-style
combat. Remember the
Roman Empire? What's next? Lions
and Philistines, or better yet
how about some nice healthy public
executions?
Saturday mornings are a time of
escape. They're a time when we can
Lunch: 11:30-2:30 (exceptSat.)
Sunday International Luncheon
Buffet 11:30-2:30
Dinner 5:00-9:30
Weekends: 5:00-11:00
1813 Durham-Chapel Hill Blvd
Chapel Hill
located next to Brendle 's
All Major
pi
il
shows
be their manager. (P.S. Everybody
start using the word 'Sleestak.' We
could start a trend here.)
Speed Racer. "Here he comes, here
comes Speed Racer, he's a demon on
wheels..." Ahh, the strains of classi
cal music! Hey, gang, let's hop in the
old Mach 5, go cruising over to Le
Mans and find out if the mysterious
Racer X is really Speed's father or if
he's just hanging around because he
lusts after Chim-Chim.
Qilligan's Island. Personally, my
favorite episode is the one where they
try to get off the island. Then again,
that one where they try to get off the
island is also good, and then, of course,
there's the one where they try to get
off the island... .
As you know, this is only a partial
list. And if you'll excuse me, I've got
to go now, so I can sing along with
the Brady kids.
Thank God for WTBS.
miss you!
all become children again and re
member what it was like when all' we
worried about was whether Wonder
Woman liked Aquaman or Super
man (I personally believe she and
Aquaman had something going. He
did ride around with her a lot in the
invisible jet).
Today's cartoon viewers are grow
ing up in a faster world where Barbie
is a rock'n' roll thrash chick with big
hair and Ken looks like a Skid Row
reject. I'm not saying it's a terrible
world we live in these days, but with
out guys like Grape Ape, Mighty
Mouse and Hong Kong Phooey, it
sure is a lot lonelier.
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