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DTH Omnibus Page 3
Thursday October 5, 1989
Armed with technology and dangerous:
Meet my demands, or HI fax this baby globa
As all of you know, this week
end is Rutabaga Awareness
Weekend no, Parents
Weekend, so be more aware of your
parents for the next couple of days,
especially if they come up here to try
and screw up your life. Of course, if
you're smart, like me, you've told them
Parents Weekend has been canceled
due to a lack of interest in parents
altogether, so they won't be inter
rupting your lifestyle for a little while
Many of you out there might be
thinking, "Hey, Less Filling Guy,
what's the purpose of Parents Week
end T' or "Why Parents Weekend and
not 'Less Filling Weekend?' or "Yeah!
'Less Filling Weekend'! What a great
idea!" No matter what you're think
ing, you should be getting very sleepy
about right now very very sleepy and
after I snap my fingers you will go to
the window and shout out loud "We
want 'Less Filling Weekend!'" in the
general direction of South Building
and when you wake up you will re
member nothing except you women,
who will feel an intense sexual desire
for the Less Filling Guy every time
Psycho Bimborama garners only
Last year Wanda Bodine got
drunk one night and ordered
the complete Mysteries of the
Unknown from Time-Life Books, and
ever since then she's been predicting
her Harmonious Heart Path. For a
while, when we were back in the
Visions and Prophecies book, Wanda
would dangle a rock on a key chain
and then ask it a question. If the key
chain rotated clockwise, it meant
"Yes," counter-clockwise "No." This
is how she ended up buying seven
pairs of leopard-print high heels.
Then one month the Portents in
the Palm book came in the mail, and
for a long time I had to stick my
hand out every time I wanted a beer.
"Joe Bob, your Fate Line says you
will remain active and intellectual
all your life," she'd tell me, "and so
you'd better not screw it up by drink
ing a beer."
And I told her, 'The reason I have
that line permanently pressed in my
hand is from squeezing thousands of
beer cans around the tin ridge. It's
absolutely necessary to my future that
I have a beer." .
By then, I was starting to believe
in this stuff.
Next came Penmanship and Per
sonality, the one about how your
handwriting reveals the secrets of your
soul. And so I wrote out the Get
tysburg Address one night for Wanda,
so she could analyze it, and after a
while she said, "Joe Bob, you're not
in the book."
And I said, "What do you mean
I'm not in the book? Everybody's in
Hey, what's that? What's that I
hear? "Less Filling Weekend?" What
the whose idea was this, you crazy
nuts you! Of course I'll accept.
Gosh, we'll have to get some ac
tivities going here. Let's see, first of
all we'll have a parade with lots of
Ferraris and '59 Thunderbirds, and
cheerleaders shouting "Less Filling,
Tastes Great!" and the Stones will
have a free concert on Ehringhaus
Field, and of course I'll have to help
Mick and Keith out by singing "Hang
Fire," and we'll have to have lots
and lots of free beer and barbecue,
and we can't have a decent "Less
Filling Weekend" without a capper:
(Editor's note: Since John can no
longer finish this column because we
won't let him, we've turned instead
to an essay he wrote some time ago.
Please substitute the words "week
Joe Bob Briggs
But she said there was nothing in
the book about a person's writing
where every other letter slants in a
different direction and every tenth
letter is upside down. But there has
got to be a meaning to stuff like that.
That doesn't just happen by accident.
Psychic Powers showed up one day,
and (here's the really strange part) I
had a premonition that we were gonna
get a book about psychic powers.
Also you know, these things
start adding up Wanda had a pre
monition, too. She had a premoni
tion that one day she would go out
and buy seven purses to match her
seven pairs of leopard-print high heels.
And, sure enough, she did.
But the one that takes the cake is
Numerology, the one we just got. If
you take the name "Joe Bob Briggs"
and figure out the true numeric mean
ing of it, here's what you get:
Soul Number: The essence of my
soul is 3. I normally have 3 dollars
stuffed way down in my pocket. I
have 3 good tires on my car. I bum
an average of 3 cigarettes a day. Three
of my ex-wives still get money from
me. These are things that only I could
know about myself. Pretty amazing.
Outer Personality Number: The
way others see me is 9. When I go to
the drive-in bank, they have to yell
end" for "day" and "UNC" for "Sher
wood Forest Elementary." Thank you
for your patience.)
PARENTS DAY, by John Bland,
Parents Day is fun. I like Parents
Day. Mommy and Daddy can see all
my teachers at Sherwood Forest Ele
Okay, okay, I'm back! They can
not humiliate me like that! Only I
can humiliate me like that! Besides,
that's not what I wrote. It went more
PARENTS DAY, by John "Rocky"
Bland, Grade 3.
She slithered into the office, black
skirt tight against her long legs. I
nearly spilled my Scotch when my
eyes caught hold of her
(Editor's note: You can see we're
having a little difficulty, with John's
id this week. Please excuse the delay
while we tie him to a chair. Thank
you for your patience.)
Yes. Well. Ahem.
I apologize for wasting your time. I
will now finish what I originally was
over the intercom "Sir, may I help
you?" exactly 9 times before I an
swer. When I play golf, my average
score on each hole is 9. And, most
incredible of all, I wear the same 9
shirts over and over again.
Path of Destiny Number: My fu
ture is 2. I will marry only 2 more
women in my lifetime. I will be sued
only 2 more times. I will begin a
weight-training program and work up
to 2 repetitions a day. And my great
hope for the future is that someday I
will bet the 2-2-2-2-2-2 Super-fecta
"Pick Six" at Louisiana Downs race
track and then I can retire.
There was a time when I would
have laughed at this stuff.
And speaking of clingy silk dresses
okay, okay, I can't do it right
every week Marilyn Chambers just
crossed overborn X-rated movies to
legitimate film. For the fifth time.
And the astounding result is "Party
Incorporated," the only movie ever
made featuring not one but two torch
songs sung by Marilyn, a guy having
sex in a chicken suit, and a striptease
number that goes on so long it puts,
you into a coma. (Striptease? Is this
a trick? Are we re-entering the thir
ties?) Made by that famous director
Chuck "Oh It's This End of the
Camera" Vincent, "Party Incorpo
rated" sets the new modern record
for registering a perfect 100 on the
Sleaze Meter without actually having
anything sleazy in it. They just talk
about it a lot.
Do you know the kind of movie
I'm talking about, the kind where
tricked into er, assigned to write.
(Kelly, I can't reach the keyboard.
Could you loosen one of those ropes
LOOSEN, LOOSEN! Thank
you. Maybe I'll get some feeling back
in that arm before long.)
Parents Weekend, by John Bland,
Parents Weekend is fun. I like
Parents Weekend. Mommy and
Daddy can see all my teachers at UNC
but 'Less FiUing Weekend' would be a
hell of a lot more fun
(Editor's note: He's loose! Quick!
Grab him! Watch out, he's danger
ous! For god's sake, don't let him
near the sports office! Call in the
SWAT team! Oh my god, he's going
for the fax machine! )
HA HA HA! Now you'll never
stop me! Stand back, one step closer
and I'll fax this sucker to newspapers
all over the world! London, Moscow,
Peoria all the world will know of
Less Filling Weekend!
(Police note: Mr. Bland, we've got
you surrounded! Put the column
down! We won't hurt you! Just come
out slowly jwith your hands up! )
Never, you hear me, coppers! I'll
you just know that, two seconds af
ter the director yells, "Cut," every
body says "Can we go home now?"
These are some of the most uncom
fortable people I've ever seen, and I
think I've figured out the reason
they have to wear clothes. They're not
used to it. It's strange. It hurts. It
cuts off the Circulation. And they
have to say things like "Would you
get that phone, please," when all they
normally say is, "No, touch me there."
In other words, yet another R-rated
movie made by X-rated people that
looks like ... well ... an R-rated movie
made by X-rated people. "Behind the
Green Door" had more plot.
Also, one more thing. Marylin, if
you're listening (most people wouldn't
be a good enough friend to tell you
this) do not take your clothes off on
camera anymore. We have fond
memories of you. Your body now looks
like our bodies. And that is not a
pretty sight. The black leather pants,
great! The poufy blonde hair, out
standing! But no more nookie, please.
Okay, let's look at these totals:
Twenty-four breasts. One dead body.
Three orgies (sort of). Female shave
cream wrestling. Three male strip
pers. Bimborama. Drive-In Academy
Award nomination for Marylin
Chambers, for singing a song called
"We're Always Friends" in an empty
office building atrium with a straight
face; .and Christina Veronica, for
wearing a zebra-print bikini and us
ing the name "Christina Veronica."
One star. Joe Bob says check it
(Editor's note: John, we've got
someone here who'd like to talk with
(Mother's note: John, please, do
what they say! Drop the column! For
our sake, please!)
I'm a desperate man, mother! Not
even you can convince me to give
up my quest!
. (Editor's note: All right, what are
I want Less Filling Weekend, world
peace, the eradication of all nuclear
weapons, an NBA contract, a date
with Paulina Porizkova and my own
column on the back page of the DTH!
(Editor's note: John, I don't think
we can swing that column slot.)
You've heard me! Accede to all
my demands or I'll fax this column
to the President! This is your last
(Editor's note: I don't think so,
(Editor's note: You've run out of
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