v DTH Omnibus Page 3
Thursday November 9, 1989
Hypocritical Moral
Item 1 : The Freddy Krueger doll
has been pulled from national
distribution.
Item 2: Freddy's Nightmares, the
TV show about America's favorite
scar-faced boogey-man, may not last
another season due to "taste police"
groups that are pressuring TV sta
tions to drop it.
Item 3: Two radio stations have
been heavily fined by the FCC for
what is called "indecent" behavior
by disc jockeys.
Item 4: Hastings Records, a large
national chain based in Amarillo,
Texas, has started labeling heavy
metal CDs with "parental consent
advised" notices.
Item 5: A movie called Henry . . .
Portrait of a Serial KiUer has been rated
X for a reason never before used
for its "tone." This translates, "We
don't know exactly why we don't like
it, we just know we hate it."
Item 6: The movie Leatherface:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre III was not
released at Halloween as planned and
may not be released for a while, be
cause after two appeals and re-edits,
it looks like the movie won't be able
30 breasts
And speaking of lost causes, I
called up Andy Sidaris last year
the ABC sports director
who spends most of his time point
ing cameras at the nekkid breasts of
Playboy Playmates and I said, -"Okay,
Andy, listen. You've made
eight movies now, but the last five
have made absolutely no sense."
And Andy said, "I resent that.
Malibu Express made sense. There are -only
four that make no sense."
And so I begged him. I said, "Andy,
you are by far the finest director
working with Playboy Playmates,
machine guns and exploding heli
copters today . . . ."
"What about the mutant killer
snake in Hard Ticket to Hawaii."
"Okay, you're the greatest direc
tor of deadly rubber snakes, too. But
when you write this next script ..."
"I've just about finished it," Andy
said. "It weighs about a pound and a
half."
"Well, Andy, put some scenes in
there that make sense, okay? It would
be a lot more enjoyable if, when
people blow up, we know who they
are and why they're blowing up. It
would help also if the girls that jump
into the hot tub every ten minutes
had names we can remember. Little
things like that go a long way, Andy."
And so Andy promised he'd do
better, and then I swear to God,
I'm not making this up he had to
leave to go to Florida and direct the
space shuttle Challenger launch for
ABC News. "Andy!" 1 said. "Andy!"
He came back to the phone.
"Savage Beach," he told me.
"What?"
"Savage Beach. That's the name
ofthenewone."
A- JQE BOB'S
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to get anything but an "X" rating
(movies with "X" ratings are virtu
ally unreleasable, because many
newspapers refuse to carry X-rated
advertising, and many theater chains
won't play an X-rated movie).
In other words, to sum all this up,
they're baaaaaaaaaaaack.
Tipper Gore and her friends.
Donald Wildmon and the Citi
zens for Decency in Tupelo, Missis
sippi. Nineteen jillion zillion "concerned
parent" groups that think America is
being ruined by scary movies and
loudmouth rock-and-roll DJs.
If this sounds familiar, it should.
It's exactly what these people's par
ents said in the '50s (if these people
had parents). They said it about
movies like Creature from the Black
Lagoon and The Day the Earth Stood
Still and Rock Around the Clock, and
sexually suggestive records like
and not
Joe Bob Briggs
And ever since then I've been
waiting for it to come out. And now,
from the man who's won 1 1 Emmys,
Andy Sidaris, comes the sequel to
Malibu Express, Hard Ticket to Ha
waii, and Picasso Trigger, the only
movie ever made with four Playboy
Playmates of the Month, a Playgirl
Man of the Year, Miss Tecate 1988,
the two-time world champion Indoor
Speedway Motorcycle Racing Cham
pion, the "regional media spokesman"
for Panasonic, and the world kung fu
champeen.
The basic plot is that Dona Speir
and Hope Marie Carlton, the two
undercover DEA agent Playboy Play
mates from the last movie, are still
running around in jungle shorts,
cowboy boots and spaghetti-strap T
shirts firing their machine guns at
drug smugglers, Filipino communist
guerrillas, and corrupt federal agents
while their two friends, Lisa London
and Miss May 1984 Patty Duffek,
lounge around the pool a lot and talk
on speaker phones that look like Fax
machines. There's something in there
about how the Japanese stole all the
gold from the Philippines in World
War II, and there's a crazed Clayma
tion Ninja living on a deserted is
land with the gold, and our tow Play
boy Playmate agents just happen to
find him while they're delivering life
saving serum to poor dying orphans.
In other words, way too much plot
getting in the way of the story, but
Andy has done it again. In an act of
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Gestapo
"Whole Lotta Shakin Goin On," and
irresponsible, indecent, "juvenile
delinquent" behavior by teenage role
models like James Dean and Marlon
Brando.
In other words, the forces of or
ganized morality always set their sights
on whatever movie or record or per
sonality is the most annoying to the
parents. Freddy Krueger is very an
noying to parents. And so they dream
up "scientific evidence" that, if you
watch enough of these movies, you'll
suddenly start frothing at the mouth,
go off the deep end, and strangle your
sister, or maybe burn down the jun-
ior high school.
If this is true; I would like to offer,
with all humility, my own brain for
research. Wire me up. I've seen more
of these movies than any living individ'
ual. Test out your theories. Count
how many murders I've committed
(it's fewer than you think). Ask my
ex-wives if I was any kinkier than
your average Wall Street banker.
But, of course, they won't. They
won't test me and they won't test
themselves. The leaders of these
Legions of Decency watch the Freddy
one brain
totally unethical behavior, Andy put
a scene in the movie of himself sit
ting in an office reading a copy of
"We Are The Weird," the official
Joe Bob Briggs newsletter. Just so he
could get a halfway decent review.
Andy, you're my kind of guy!
Thirty breasts, thirteen dead bod
ies. One necessary-to-the-plot "Let's
all get in the hot tub and relax" scene.
Exploding van. Exploding boat. Ex
ploding Yuppie. Cocaine-infested
pineapples. Machete through the
back. Rooster show with Uzis. Hari
kari. Kung Fu. Uzi Fu. Drive-In Acad
emy Award nominations for Dona
Speir, Miss March 1984, for flying
an airplane through a terrible storm
and saying "Shouldn't we get out of
these wet clothes?" and putting the
plane on auto-pilot so she can change
blouses, and for being tied up by her
cowboy boots but not figuring out
how she could possibly get loose; Hope
Marie Carlton, Miss July 1985, for
getting stranded on a desert island
and saying "What do you say we check
out the beach?"; Michael Shane,
Playgirl's Man of the Year, for hav
ing absolutely nothing to do in the
movie; Dann Seki, as the dying Japa
nese admiral, for saying "The cancer
clutches ever tighter at my heart";
Teri.Weigel, Miss April 1986, .for
saying "My ideology means far more
to me than fame and adulation" right
before she whips off her blouse; Ro
drigo Obregon, for exploding people
for no reason; and Andy Sidaris, for
writing a plot about computers and
lost gold and satellite systems and
"probability vectors" that not even
Andy can understand.
Four stars (they made four of
these! ). Joe Bob says check it out.
must be
Krueger movies so they can write news
releases about them. Funny thing,
though, they're able to watch them
and remain unaffected. They don't
develop twitches in their necks or
mutate into horrible blood-sucking,
nine-fingered cockroaches. Nope.
They're pretty much the same when
the movie ends as when it started.
Just a little madder.
And what are they mad about?
They're mad about Those People.
The people that are Not Like Us.
The ones who aren't as intelligent as
us. Them. They are the ones who
will watch Freddy Krueger and be
come mass murderers. Not us. Not
you and me. Them. They're out there.
They're feeding on these movies and
these record albums. Soon they'll be
maniac felons.
Lemme tell you people something.
I know who They are. I get thou
sands of letters from Them. I am per
sonally acquainted with more 14-year-old
heavy-metal headbangers than
Donald Wildmon will ever meet the
rest of his life. I would suggest that
Donald do what I do. Go down to
the nearest shopping-mall eightplex
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DEA agent a la Playboy in 'Savage Beach'
stopped
concrete-bunker movie theater where
the Freddy Krueger movie is playing.
Watch it with the crowd of 14-to-2
1-year-olds who will be in there.
Observe them closely.
You will notice that they always
know that Freddy is up on the screen
and they are sitting in a chair. Screen
... chair. Screen ... chair. Movies ...
real life. They never get mixed up.
They never think Freddy is in the
chair and they are up on the screen. '
They never think Freddy is sitting in
the chair next to them. They never
think Freddy is going to come down
off the screen. And they never be
lieve they are going to become Freddy.
See, they are intelligent human
beings. They know the difference
between Freddy and us.
It's only Tipper Gore who doesn't
know the difference. And you,
Donald. Please, would somebody who
loves these people see to it that they
get some psychiatric help?
Editors' Note: Normally we wouldn't
run two foe Bob columm on the same
week if you bribed us, but every once in
a blue moon, the man says something
that makes sense, and we feel obligated.