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The daily Tar Heel. (Chapel Hill, N.C.) 1946-current, November 30, 1989, Page 13, Image 13

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DTH Omnibus Page 3 Thursday November 30, 1989 AY WIN! AT? The freedom-fighter credo: If you only believe, you can reach the place that itches Editor's note: We received this col umn through the mail, postmarked Pari' ama City, Fla. It was printed in crayon (burnt sienna and periwinkle) , and had Smurf stickers and dried Lucky Charms horseshoes and clovers inside, and was signed "Juan (Long live Castro!) Blan dez" Our guess is that John is stressing out a little. Anyway, here's what he wrote. ear Omnibus staff and both Oof my devoted fans, I am unable to complete J my regular Less Filling the sis for this week because I have de cided to join the revolutionary Free dom Agents for the Release of Trinidad-Tobago (FARTT). I regret to inform you of this, but with four papers, finals and next month's rent staring me in the face, I felt that being a coward and running away was the only answer. Americana, queen ofwrastlirV or the last three years I've been followed around by the Gor geous Ladies of Wrestling. I n can't get rid of them. I don't know how it happened. I mean, I sort of know how it happened. I was at a TV convention in Houston, the kind of place where Connie Ste vens parades around in a flowery blouse and Roger Ebert munches popcorn, and this friend of mine said, "Matt Climber is doing this awful thing. It's so sleazy. It's just horrible. It's called Gorgeous Ladies of Wres tling, and he wants you to see it." And I said somethin like "Whahr Matt Climber is a drive-in legend. He not only directed the classic Hun dra, the story of an Amazon goddess who, in order to preserve her race, must journey to the Land of the Bull. But he's also the finest director who was ever married to Jayne Mansfield. So for the rest of the day I tried to get over there to see Matt, but all I saw were a bunch of girls in Spandex leotards and high heels prancing around in rabbit-fur shawls. They never did wrestle. They just yelled at each other. It wasn't even really good yelling. They'd just say, "You slut," and then the other one would say, "You call me a slut, you slut?" And they'd go on like that for a while until the crowd wandered over to see what new Ruth Westheimer mini series was on the market this year. A few months passed, and I was flipping around the channels one day, and here it comes Gorgeous Ladies of WrestUng. The wrestling ring is in a Vegas hotel, and there's about 10 people in the audience. And they've got even better material. They're screaming, "I'm gonna claw your eyes out," and "Eat this, old lady," but they're still not wtestling. And, come to think of it, they're not that "gor- Juan Blandez x jw .t y: jrj rsc ; flfWM my I am doing very well here in Pan ama City. Strangely enough, I haven't seen that Noriega fellow yet. Also, I keep asking for directions to the canal, but people just keep giving me the oddest looks. It must have something to do with my military garb. I sup pose they think I'm a Panamanian soldier or something. We FART I 's get that a lot down here. Anyway, I'm adjusting to the new language, but I'm amazed that the Panama nian citizenry speaks English so well. Anyway, I have found a new focus for my life. Our leader, Bert, says that our objectives are within reach. Sometimes it's hard to understand Bert because he keeps referring to us Joe Bob Briggs .VM 3fc jl . V x M V. x 9i Wat V, a geous," either. I watch for about 10 minutes, but there's no wrestling, so 1 switch to ESPN and check out the Ethiopian Sandal-Toss Tournament. More months pass. Now I'm start ing to see Gorgeous Ladies of Wres tling everywhere. It's in TV Guide. It's on the marquees in Vegas. Some nights, you can't avoid it on TV. So I watch it again, and this time they're doing old bits from Hee Haw. And they're still not wrestling. And I'm thinking, "What is this?" Then it hits me. This isn't wrestling. This isn't Hulk Hogan This is based on real life. Haven't you ever seen your girl friend or wife scissor-claw your best friend with her thighs? They're just taking real life and putting it on TV. I thought that was it. Good job, Matt. Another classic contribution to western civilization. Then I get a call from these guys in California that are gonna put out a new line of video movies and blah blah blah and America is ready for a new kind of action film blah blah blah and this film has a lot of explosions and auto matic weapons fire blah and the best part is the star is Cindy Maranne. "Cindy Maranne ?" "You know, Americana on Gor geous Ladies of Wrestling." "Americana! Send me that sucker right now." Because, as you know, there's something about a woman in tight shorts with a machine gun strapped across her chest that says, "Hey, women are people, too!" The movie is Provoked, and Cindy gets a little ticked off because her as "Ernie," especially since I'm the only other member of FARTT, but we're getting used to it. "If you only believe," Bert is fond of saying, "you can reach that place that itches so bad." Bert is a great guy. FAR'lT's goals are simple: the re lease of Trinidad-Tobago into our hands, the resignation of the present administration, the implementation of resort-redistribution, the chang ing of the language to Pig Latin, and, most importantly, the renaming of the main thoroughfare to "Sesame Street." That last one was. Bert's idea. We are planning our first terrorist act, but I have to keep it a secret. All I can say is that it involves Krazy Glue and Preparation-H. Either that or we're planning to spike the Miami water supply with Metamucil. I'm thinking that the first act would be more terrible; nobody might notice the second. husband gets taken hostage by some deranged bozos with guns right be fore the honeymoon. Should she let the cops handle it? Or should she go find 27 million rounds of automatic weapons ammo and burst into the room where the hostages are being held with a burp-gun blasting? I think we all know what Cindy does. From the opening scene, an excel lent ripoff of 48 HRS., to the closing scene, an excellent ripoff from Don't Go in the House, this movie is so cheap it's mesmerizing. Parts of it are actually shot on video, making it look and sound just like your grandpa's Christmas movies. And as for the kung fu scenes well, at least Cindy is starting to wrestle a little bit. Four breasts, but not Cindy's. (Shame on you, Americana.) Twenty four dead bodies. (But I could swear some of these actors get killed twice.) Multiple body searches. One mob scene (if eight people constitutes a mob). Fried terrorist Fu. Video Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nomina tions for Daniel Kwong, who guns down a pathetic old lady running down the stairs and then says, "Next time, take the elevator"; Ona Simms, who does a live interview with the wife of a hostage and asks the ques tion, "When do you think they'll kill your husband?"; Sharon Blair, as the blonde bimbo secretary who turns Patty Hearst on her friends; Joe Sprosty, for saying, "They don't call me Machine Gun Joe for nothing"; Joe Diamond, an expert on terror ists, for saying, "I'm afraid we Ameri cans don't know how to be good hostages"; and Cindy Maranne, who tells the police that there are "fresh donuts out front," so she can sneak inside and start firing at terrorists. My kind of movie. Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out. Oh, I've also found a beautiful girl. She tried to lose me, but I still found her. We're planning to get married as soon as she starts speaking to me. Her name is Marina, and I first met her last J ueves (that's Thursday to all you uncultured primitives), when she was coming out of the local groceria and I was rooting around in the el dumpstero Dempster, looking for scraps of la turkeyo. It was love at first sight. I swore my love, and she tried to run me over with her Chevette. Little minx! Always playing hard to get. Anyway, tell Rainbow I've finally CROOK DINNER EVERY NIGHT & SUNDAY BRUNCH 610 V. FRANKLIN ST. CHAPEL HILL, NC Our you fresh clams, shrimp, prosciutto, sauteed with onion, green peppers and mushrooms over a bed of rice, is delicious as well as the best value in town at only M0.95! Chef Chan disagrees! He favors the Seafood Basket which has lobster meat, large shrimp, scallops eP king crab meat. This dish is served with crispy vegetables in a unique potato basket and Chef Chan insists it is the freshest seafood dish ever created! Whose dish is best is debatable, but the fact that these are the best Italian & Chinese Chefs in town is certain! Let us host your next Christmas Party in our beautiful formal China Room, Beginning with cocktails, appetizers and finish with a sit down dinner. Please Bring Your Friends for a Lavish International Sunday Buff ett Prime Rib Egg Plant Parmigiana Shrimp Vegetables Chicken Picante Beef Broccoli Curried Chicken Spring Rolls Shrimp Cocktail Six fresh & mixed salads fresh fruit & dessert Lunch: 11:30-2:30 (except Sat.) Sunday International Luncheon Buffet 11:30-2:30 Dinner: 5:00-9:30 (Sun.-Thurs.) Weekends: 5:00-1 1:00 1813 Durham-Chapel Hill Blvd Chapel Hill located next to Btrndle's All Major gone communist. She'll be so proud. Shortly after receiving this letter, we were notified by the Panama City police department that a couple of guys were found 'wandering downtown with tubes of Preparation-H glued to their finger tips. When apprehended, one kept say ing, "Sunny day, everything's A-okay" while the other kept yelling, "Less Fill ing! Tastes Great!" Officers found iden tification on the latter, and sure enough, after he gets the proper treatment, we'll be seeing John again very soon. Proba bly sooner than we'd like. CORNER Italian and Chinese I I Chefs are arguing. . . Can help? Chef Giovanni from Florence, Italy, insists that his Polio Alia Sorrentina sauteed with eggplant, prosciutto & spinach in a red sauce then topped with mozzerella cheese is the best Italian dish in the Triangle area! However, our Chinese Chef Simon Chan thinks his General Tao's Chicken looks, tastes t) smells just as good! Chef Giovanni interrupts to add that his Gamberi Creole, which is created with AUYouCanEat$7.95 children under 10 half-price Please call Ad Talk 1-800-634-8448, then 1519 after tone for more information Credit Cards Accepted

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