6The Daily Tar HeelThursday, May 24, 1990
Braim-eatiuig-goo
; Before I review this week's movie,
"Jhe Brain," I thought maybe I should
explain exactly what a brain is, for
those readers of my column who are
unfamiliar with this particular part of
trje body. Even though I frequently
write about the brain as in "brain
damaged," "brain-sucking," and "brain
exploding" I have many fans who
are not fortunate enough to actually
possess a brain. We should always
remember this when we take our own
brains for granted, and when we shoot
squirrels with a shotgun. To wit, hence,
ipso dipso, the following info:
The brain known as the noodle,
tire noggin, the gray matter, the stuff
between your ears is composed of
Author fantasizes of leading
! Monday morning I made the dreaded
pilgrimage to Bynum Hall, anticipat
ing the small tail of the unorganized-m!embers-of-the-student-body-beast
to
be poking out of the door. I had brought
my trusty J. Crew catalogue along as
defense. Imagine my chagrin as I fol
lowed the thick, twitching tail around
the corner of the building, down one
side, and around another corner. Faces,
resembling scales of the beast, grinned
menacingly, their only salvaging
thought being that yet another unor
ganized member had come to join the
creature ... and that member was be
hind them in line. It was quite a bit like
that dream where you're in a crowd and
everyone is laughing and pointing at
you, and the faces keep getting closer,
arid the voices start to echo, and every
one looks like they are holding a flash
light under their chin. Luckily, I had
remebered to get dressed or it might
have been truly frightening.
'. Anyway, the desperate, distant, Pink
Floyd-esque faces were sweating and
mumbling, collectively producing the
mating call of a bored, scaly beast. This
prompted me to envision the inner
workings of the creature, entrails twisted
and contorted about the stairs which
wound down and around the inside of
the building. I threw back my shoulders
and picked up my backpack and said
"No. I refuse to succumb to this night
mare. I'm blinking twice. I'm waking
up. There has got to be another way."
Which, I later discovered, there was.
I proudly marched away from the beast,
and my mumbling comrades, as they
looked at me in disbelief, or possibly
contempt because I was too weak to
withstand the wrath of my own inade
quacies. Nevertheless, I marched on to
registration. A ferociously tight lipped
woman at the "Holds" table (whom ight
vefy well be a Southern Bell operator
onlthe side) said in a familiarly nasal
tone that she could tell me how many
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Joe Bob Briggs
. .1 k?-
five parts:
1) The medulla oblongata: This is
what regulates your breathing and your
ability to pronounce the words "me
dulla oblongata."
2) The pons: This is what regulates
your ability to enjoy Playboy magazine
3) The cerebellum: This important
part of the brain looks like a piece of
beef jerky that's been eaten up by a
sheep dog, and it gives your eardrums
the ability to tell the difference between
Laura Brown
y a?
classes I got in pre-registration, but not
what they were (more bureaucratic
logic), and that technically, I didn't
have to pay off my hold until the last
day of registration, which was two
whole days from then, when the Bynum
beast would have retreated into hiber
nation for yet another session. So, the
moral is (for you people out there search
ing for a semblance of order in this
random world through implied literary
narratives and thematic unity), even if
you belong to the Club of the Life
threateningly Unorganized, it does not
mean that you have to mindlessly suc
cumb to the salivating jowls of the
Bynum monster or the like, just be
cause "they" say that you do. Red tape
fighters of the world unite.
On that note, I prophetize that it's
going to be a truly glorious season here
in the Land of Summer School, where
all your pre-pubescent fantasies have
materialized. Chapel Hill in the sum
mer is a place where you don't have to
go to class unless you really want to,
and it never gets too dark to stay out and
play. It's a place where everyone has
suntans and beer breath and everyone
has sex on their minds. If I could do my
entire collegiate career in summer
school I would.
Okay, its not all that amazing. Hon
estly, I'm beginning to think the reason
that I've got myself all jacked up about?
-staying here this summer is because-'-one
of my best friends is interning for
the New York Times, and subliminally,
I am devastatingly jealous. So there, at
least I've admitted it.
Another testament to the amazing
nature of this summer is all the incred-
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1 6th-century Italian operas and a dump
truck running over a Big Wheel.
4) The cerebrum: One of the most
mysterious parts of the brain, its only
known function is that it gives man the
ability to do the pony without falling
over.
5) The midbrain: This is an exit on
the brain interstate, connecting the pons
and the cerebellum with the cerebrum.
And speaking of permanent brain
damage, Dr. Hill is back! The jealous
mad doctor in the original Re-Animator,
the only movie ever made where
the star loses his head halfway through
the movie but finishes the movie
David Gale is his name, and in this flick
he's an evangelist with his own TV
ible changes that are occurring in our
world; Mandela is free, the Berlin Wall
is down, all these other communist
type countries are trying democracy,
the Cold War is over and my father has
mellowed out. He must have been
whammied by some of the excess cos
mic energy. From what I hear, the run
off vibes from the really big global
events are striking people everywhere.
Keep a close look-out. You could be
next. Here's a case study, just so you'll
be aware of the signs. Dad had always
been an extremely uptight dude. When
I'd come over for those glorious joint
custody weekends he'd have the agenda
planned out on his computer. Those of
you who have never experienced a
weekend with newly single dad might
not relate, but supposedly it's this end
less frenzy of recreational activities
and shopping trips which are supposed
to make weekends at mom's seem
boring. My dad's version of this phe
nomenon was to take me to the office
where he worked, and to the new build
ing site and then, drum roll please, to
the library. Then the next morning,
we'd get up and discuss the Times over
breakfast (which is the only meal at this
point, that he could do at home, because
he didn't have to cook it, although now
that I think about it he did like to whip
up these nightmare buckwheat pan
cakes which rival the cuisine of my
newly acquired step-monster). Lest I
get off the subject, it will suffice to say
that my dad was a Type-A workaholic,
completely non-emotional, Wall Street
freak who also happened to be a so
cially retarded real estate wizard in his
spare time. He aspired for me to study
neurology at Duke and write volumes
on experimental computer science,
while simultaneously conquering the
real estate market and altering the world
significantly.
Apparently, the run-off cosmic en
ergy forced some poor uninformed, little
New Age fairy with little opalescent
wings and a tiny little pink wand to
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just right for the Md
show, preaching about "independent
thinking." Unfortunately, he turns out
to be the spokesman for a 3,000-pound
brain that's getting bored just hanging
around the Psychological Research
Institute all the time and really needs a
network deal so that it can transmit
brainwaves to a national audience and
eventually eats the entire population of
the world head-first. He does that by
flicking a 30-foot tongue that looks like
a piece of slimy undercooked lasagna,
wrapping it around your neck, and
squeezing until something pops off.
Then he chomps you down like a rattle
snake going after a bunny rabbit, and
this is the worst part he even eats
dirty tennis shoes. There's only one
offensive band of
establish permanent residency on his
shoulder. She's been working diligently
because all of the sudden he's talking
about socially redemptive activities,
reincarnation, and Maggie the psychic
business woman. And... he's decided
that there's really no need for me to
rush off into the beige, boring, coffee
quaffing, creativity crunching
workplace in December. He thinks it
would be much more beneficial for me,
in a retrospective lifetime sense, to go
to Europe or somewhere aesthetic for a
while (this is verbatim, I'm not kid
ding) "to cultivate my artistic talents
and tune into my higher purpose". Dad
bypassed the sixties altogether, so I'm
sure that this is not some sort of bizarre
guerilla flashback commandeering his
mind set. Basically he's giving me li
cense to become full on Bohemian. So
Thursday May 24
The Research Triangle Society For
Instructional Development and The
American Society for Training and
Development will sponsor a Mini-Expo
Spring Conference at The Kenan Con
ference Center from 6:30 p.m. to 9:00
p.m. For more information and prereg
istration call Peggy Mowray at 552
2434. Registration fee is $5.
B The Chapel Hill Herald and Down
town Commission will sponsor the
DOWNTOWN AFTER 5Summer
series at The Chapel Hill Herald from 5
p.m. to 7 p.m. The block party will
feature the rhythm and blues band The
Blue Note Special. The public is in
vited to attend.
Look Who's Talking will play at
the Union Auditorium at 7 p.m. and
9:30 p.m. Admission is free with UNC
CH student ID or Union Privelege Card
(one guest per ID or card).
O Jam BaLaya, a blue funk band
with rocky island roots, will appear at
the Skylight Exchange. For more infor-
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Vted.-Fri. 10-3
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guy that could possibly stop the brain
from eating all of rural Canada, and
that's Jim the oversexed teenager who
cheats on his biology tests all the time.
Is this a hero for us? Of course it is.
We're talking 78 on the Vomit Meter.
Four breasts. Thirteen dead bodies. One
dead brain, brain-dead. Excellent Pol
tergeist rip-off effects. Giant lasagna
noodle strangling. Heart scissoring.
Exploding plumbing. Face-eating brain.
Brain-eating face. Three motor vehicle
chases, one with brain driving. Explod
ing car. Exploding brain. Spinal-cord
lashing. Head chopping. Domestic
argument with a chainsaw (the hus
band loses). Gratuitous science-lab sex.
Spinal cord Fu. Brainwave Fu. Drive-
I've started having these little fantasies
about establishing a tribe of gypsies in
the Northeastern area of the country
who sort of travel around in this surro
gate family band, performing and of
fending general middle America types.
Plus, you get to wear great clothes. I
believe that this fulfills all of my career
requirements. I'm going to do some
research on the plausibility of the whole
affair, will keep you up to date. If you
have any explanations for this whole
father transformation thing, or if you've
had a similar experience please get in
touch with me. As of now, and after
much deliberation, I have to say that
he's either:
1 possessed
2 enlightened
3 a prisoner of New Age media
hype
mation call 933-5550.
Friday May 25
Peace, Justice and Gender Issues:
Restoring the Balance, a weekend
workshop sponsored by the Center for
Peace Education, will be held from
Friday through Sunday, May 27 at
Umstead State Park near Raleigh. Cost
is 95:00 including room and meals. For
more information call Arthur Scherer
at 929-9821.
B Mister Potatohead will appear at
Magdalena's La Terraza. For more
information call 967-MAGS.
B Billy Miller will play acoustic
originals at the Ninth Street Bakery
from 8 p.m. to 1 1 p.m. For more infor
mation call 286-0303.
B Mike Kelsh will play original folk
music at the Skylight Exchange. For
more information call 933-5550.
B Shakin' Sherman and the Sheet
rockers will appear at The Cave. For
more information call 968-9308.
Saturday May 26
B Jim Thackery and the Assasins
will appear at Magdalena's La Terraza.
For more information call 967-MAGS.
B Kathy MacKinnon and Marty
Houghlan will play original acoustic
folk at the Ninth Street Bakery from 8
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in Academy Award nominations for
Christine Kossack, as the brain doctor
who pops her top for the patients, for
saying "We've got to stop! There have
been eight deaths since the work be
gan!" Barry Pearson, the writer for the
line where Jim'smothersays"Dr. Blake
wouldn't be on TV if he wasn't good."
Cyndy Preston, as the bimbo cheer-,
leader who gets handcuffed in the
brain's personal meat locker, for say
ing "Oh, I love you. I was SO scared!"
David Gale, as Dr. Blake, the mouth
piece for a brain, for watching the brain
eat a nurse and then saying, "That's
food for thought!"
Three stars. Joe Bob says check it
out.
Gypsies
It's also possible that he's seeking
redemption for his buckwheat pancakes.
Regardless of the psycho-scientific
explanation, it does go to show you that
if you hang in there, some of the truly
misguided will come around, and the
ones who don't may remain to make
your life hellish. It's a fairly random
thing. My only fear is that his condition
of New Ageitis will escalate and I will
come home one day to find a trail of
pieces of a Brooks Brothers suit lead
ing into the woods where an extremely
awkward 6'6" ex-business man will be
dancing around a campfire in a beaded
loincloth, accompanied by a smatter
ing of gnomes, munchkins and other
assorted woodland creatures, chanting
praises to the high god of real estate
developments. Oh, what a wacky world
it is.
p.m. to 1 1 p.m. For more information
call 286-0303.
B Exit Eden will appear at the Sky
light Exchange. For more information
call 933-5550.
B Too Much Fun will appear at The
Cave. For more information call 968
9308. Sunday May 27
B Danny and the Cavemen will ap
pear at the Cave. For more information
call 968-9308.
Tuesday May 29
BThe Farm and Even Steven will
appear at Magdalena's La Terraza. For
more information call 967-MAGS.
B Stu Cole and Friends will play
acoustic blues at The Cave. For more
information call 968-9308.
Wednesday May 30
B Charles Pettee and Pals will play
country grass at The Cave. For more
information call 968-9308.
B The Triangle Ad 2 is hosting a
legislative luncheon at 12 noon at the
North Raleigh Hilton. Tickets are $15
in advance, $18 at the door. All pro
ceeds will be donated to the N.C. Ad
Federation. For reservations call 890
6036 or 890-6038.
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