.J2BThe Daily Tar HeelThursday, June 28, 1990
todemts, families adjust .to life away from home
By HEATHER SMITH
and LAURA WILLIAMS
Staff Writers
When Mike Neice left home to go to
college, it was like a scene straight from
The Waltons.
"It was like I was leaving forever,"
said Neice, a rising sophomore computer
science major from Dallas, N.C. "Ev
erybody in my family came to hug me
and tell me goodbye."
For others, parting was not quite so
sentimental. "It was like I went away
for! the weekend," said Wayne Busch, a
rjsjng sophomore pre-med major from
llendersonville. "There was no going
a,v.ay speech; they just drove aw ay. No
'I'm going to miss you.'"
But sooner of later, students realize
going away to school means more than
no curfew and free license to keep a
messy room.
A near-fatal dose of homesickness or
lovesickness can send any college stu
dent screaming for Mom or Dad, and
the easiest way to make that needed
contact is through the phone.
"Sometimes I think I just need my
Mom," said Toni Porter, a rising senior
political science major from Zebulon.
"And when I feel like that I just give her
a call or write her a letter."
Phone calls may be the most conve
nient way to reach out, but they're not
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the cheapest. Scott Peeler, a rising
sophomore political science major from
Toledo. Ohio, has a system worked out
with his parents that reduces his bill. "I
just call them when I need to talk, and
they call me right back," he said.
Most students talk to their parents at
least once a week, with topics of con
versation ranging from money to how
the family is doing.
But sometimes the long-distance
connection only emphasizes the sepa
ration. "I don't feel like I'm as much a
part of the family. We're further apart
because I'm not there," Busch said.
"It's more of an obligation to call, and
the conversation is like 'How are you?
Fine. How's school? Fine.'"
The isolation can be even worse when
students return home for the holidays
and then have to leave again. "The time
I really remember (feeling isolated) is
Thanksgiving. I got to see the whole
family, so when it was time to go back
(to school), I didn't want to leave them.
I sat in the car and cried for hours,"
Porter said.
Kevin Corcoran, a rising sophomore
political science major from Greens
boro, said he also felt twinges of
homesickness at times. "I miss my little
sisters, having my own room, having a
car ... definitely a car. The car's a big
one," he said. "I also miss the constant
nagging."
When students first come to college,
freedom of being away from home can
be exhilarating, but it can also be scary.
"It was hard at first to comprehend
the responsibilities your have in col
lege," said Gret Diffendal, a rising se
nior political sciencespeech commu
nications major from Charlotte. "Ev
erything I did rested on me. I had to
learn to live my life apart from my
family's. My identity wasn't so tied up
with the family's anymore; I'd become
my own person."
This independence can have a posi
tive effect on parent -child relationships.
"Mom treats me like and adult, because
she knows that I'm responsible for
myself, as well as things like the phone
bill," Porter said.
For Katrena Allison, a rising sopho
more nursing major from Cleveland,
N.C, this means a more equal rela
tionship with her parents. "We're more
like friends now," she said.
After being away, time at home is
more special. "We do more things to
gether now when I'm at home. We sit in
front of the fireplace and never run out
of things to talk about," Allison said.
According to Peeler, "I think rela
tionships are always growing. We no
tice them more when we go home, be
cause we've been away, and the few
days that we are home are intense."
But this intensity can also lead to
conflict. "My freshman year, I thought
I could do whatever I wanted, because I
was in college. When I'd go home and
go out. my mom would ask me when I
was going to be in, and I'd think, 'Why
is she asking me this?'" Porter said. "I
respect my mom in her house now, and
I respect her rights when I'm there."
It is especially difficult to balance
newfound independence and ties to
home if a student is financially supported
by parents, Diffendal said. "It's kind of
like, 'Well, Mom, I want money, but I
don't want to be accountable to you.'"
Although Busch's parents serve as a
financial crutch, he still resents the fact
that he has been responsible for all of
his expenses, he said. "I went from
being a high school student to an adult
in one day. I'm an adult financially, but
emotionally I'm still a child to them.
"I hate it that I have to expend all of
my money, and I can't even buy what I
want with my own money," Busch said.
"I guess this is part of the learning
process."
Some students have made a deal with
their parents about school financing. "I
have an agreement with my parents that
they will pay for school if I put academ
ics first. That has really influenced me
to work hard," Allison said.
Communication and reasonable ex
pectations are the key to getting along
when the student returns home, said
Glen Martin, assistant director of the
University Counseling Center.
"Parents and students should expect
changes to occur. Many times parents
expect the same kid to come home who
left, but the kid has seen new responsi
bilities and has changed. The college
kid often expects his parents and home
life to be the same when he returns, and
this is not always the case," Martin said.
Family pressure can be debilitating
for students. Parents may expect per
fection, or students may feel the neecfto
excel so that their parents might believe
the cost of their education is justified.
"My dad expects perfection. It was a
'bring one home fortheGipper' kind of
thing," Busch said.
The Counseling Center often sees
students who are feeling guilty about
the financial burden they are putting on
their parents, Martin said. "Students
feel guilty because they are depriving
their parents of resources they would
otherwise have."
Students may feel pressure to finish
in four years or to be perfect while. in
school so that the money is well spent.
Martin said that students needed to talk
about these concerns to their parents
and not keep these anxieties inside.
"Even though my parents demand a
lot from me, I still know they just want
the best for me." Busch said.
Most students find a family away
from home once they become settled in
their dorm. "My friends are family. The
girl (who lives) below me acts like my
mother; she makes sure I do my
homework and eat balanced meals. If-1
need to talk to someone about anything,
they're there," Corcoran said.
But family remains one of the most
appreciated aspects of students' lives.
"I value family life," Corcoran said.
"It's given me a lot of character and lias
helped me with my moral judgments
and my values. Family is everything."
Editor's note: This article was re
printed from the November 21 . 1989.
issue of The Daily Tar Heel.
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