4BThe Daily Tar HeelThursday, June 28, 1990
v.
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Your favorites and mine: those wacky UNC profsl
Boy, do folks desperately need a va
cation around here or what? Maybe it's
the humid weather; maybe some sort of
heavy-duty laxative leaked into the
water supply, or just maybe everybody
peed in everybody else's com flakes all
month, but there seems to be a burr in
the britches of every person I've seen
lately. A more logical explanation is
that it's Happy Magical Final Season
here in Chapel Hill, and us kids are
having to memorize stuff that is looking
pretty inconsequential at this junction
in our careers.
But I assure you, these academic
things are purely transient professors
mess up things because it's their jobs.
Although I have an infinite amount of
respect for someone who was smart and
caring enough to devote their life to
professorship and although I think
that the "those who can do - those who
can't teach quote was made by a bunch
of disgruntled welders who hated sec
ond grade I still feel a primal urge to
purge my list of The Five Kinds of
Professors at UNC.
The Ramblin'Man
Professors become professors for a
reason, and the Ramblin' Man did it
because he knew more about his subject
than anyone else in the solar system. He
can't teach for the same reason a good
musician can't dance; they know way
too much about something to express it
naturally. Also known as "Mr. I Wrote
the Book," he quotes long, delirious
passages from his own textbook in a
ill
Ian Williams
Wednesday's
Child
INTRODUCING
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169 E. Franklin St. 929-8382 or 933-0024
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5
X
. monotone
that would
put 18
wheel trucks to
sleep
and when
asked a
question,
he will
ramble on
a long, delirious tangent that will send
most students into the stratosphere,
drooling on their desks with sugarplums
dancing in their heads.
Quote: "And if you'll turn to page
1 ,750 in the textbook, read along with
me as we take a voyage through the
wondrous world of didactic relativ
ism..." Anal Retentive TA from the Ninth
Circle of Hell
There
are pro
fessors in this
world
who
seem to
. V ....
demic
flogging of their student captives, but
much, much worse are their Igor Teach
ing Assistants, the Grad Students With
Very Serious Attitude Problems. These
guys probably had a crudload of sand
kicked in their faces in grade school,
and now carry this primal sandbox
grudge to the poli sci classroom, where
they finally have the power over us durn
bratty schoolkids. With snake venom
spewing from their lips, the TAs tear
through a paper like an angry tiger
through a gazelle, gnawing on bad
punctuation and flawed argumentation
with cackling glee.
Quote: "Let it be known that atten
dance to the 8 o'clock recitation counts
as 47 percent of your final grade..."
Mr. Everybody's Buddy
This teacher
spices his lecture
with frequent
references to the
students' alco
holic and sexual
passions, in a
vain attempt to
relate to us kids
in our obviously
pleasure-driven
lives. He'll set up office hours at He's
Not Here on Friday evenings, where
he'll suck down a brewski and make
thinly-veiled sexist comments relating
the subject material with boob size, and
then get angry when we don't take him
seriously as a professor.
Quote: "I'd schedule a quiz for Fri
day, but I know you'll be out pillaging
all night... (winks)... right, Gloria? Heh
heh heh."
Madame Slide
This
professor's
has a
living
room
quality
to it be
cause you talk
about the same stuff you would at three
in the morning with drunk housemates.
The text for the class is usually a
coursepack that consists of three to four
newspaper articles vaguely related to
each other, all stapled together. Stu
dents either get in deep philosophical
discussions or sleep, and the teacher
gets in trouble every semester for giv
ing too many A's; unfortunately, Ma
dame Slide's class never fulfills any-t
thing close to being a perspective, so
it's commonly known as "Two for One
at the PassFail-o-Rama."
Quote: "I really don't believe in the
conventional grading system... how dp
y'all feel about that?"
The Academic Superhero
This
professor
is the'
veritable'
god
among
men, the
one
teacher
that sue
cessfully
combines his own personal intellect with'
a working knowledge of our own atten-'
tion span. Passionate yet not a
freakazoid, our Superfriend casts off
the common shackles of regurgitation
list memorizing and lets us learn tough
material without leaving us feeling like
we just got our teeth cleaned. The Su-
perhero comes along every two years or
so in our college career, so look out for
them!
Quote: "I've got a convention in
Boulder, so there will be no class on'
Thursday..." ,
Anyway, good luck on all those finals,
and don't let them stop you from look
ing up at the beautiful trees. And as my'
Mom says, if everyone does poorly, it's
the teacher that fails even though I do
have the worst academic attitude west
of the Atlantic Basin, and my G.P.A,
would almost be legal on a breathalyzer,'
and this humid weather is killing me,
and the whole world can just go to hell
for all I care...
Editor's note: This article was re
printed from the Feb. 28, 1990, edition
of The Daily Tar Heel. Ian Williams V
a 1990 graduate of UNC from some-
where in Los Angeles.
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