DTH Omnibus Page 7
Thursday November 8, 1990
Erik Estrada's back, with
Guns
Erik Estrada, Dona Speir, Cynthia Brimhall,
Donna Spanglerand Kym Malin
directed by Andy Sidaris
! ' J he latest thing that Jane
"Whoops! I'm Sorry!" Fonda
forgot to tell us is that all her
exercise videos of the eight
ies had the wrong advice on
em. She used to tell people to "do it
till your stomach burns," and now the
doctors say that people have been
burning up their stomachs.
So Jane's into "low impact" stuff
now. Did you see her last week on The
Larry King Show holding hands with
Ted Turner and talking about her
new low-impact, take-it-easy, don't-burn-yourself-up
video? I almost ex
pected her to say, "And one more
thing North Vietnam is full of
Commie slimedogs! We should nuke
the place!"
But I could have told Jane this
eight years ago, when they first started"
selling the Abdomenizer on TV.
What do people want in an exercise
plan?'
Something that doesn't feel Uke
exercise.
How much do people wanna hurt
when they're exercising?
They don' t wanna hurt when they 're
exercising?
And how much time a day do
people wanna spend riding bikes and
lifting weights and rearranging their
hemoglobin on the jogging track?
Zero!
That's why, long before the "Body
by Jake" Workout, long before the
Raquel Welch "Get a Load of These
Thighs" Workout, long before the
Richard Simmons "Here's Another
Neil Sedaka Record" Workout, and
long before the Jane Fonda "You
Won't Even Sweat" Workout, there
was the Joe Bob Briggs "Five-Second
Workout."
The Five-Second Workout is the
ultimate exercise video for the nine
ties. Doctors now know that what it
takes to be physically fit for the rest of
your life is to work out three times a
week, for twenty minutes each time.
But who has that kind of discipline
and self-control?
That's where my video comes in.
Instead of spending 20 minutes of
your valuable time on a rowing ma
chine, you spend five seconds exer
cising, but you do it 720 times a weekl
The video includes 720 complete
five-second workouts, and here's the
beauty of this deal: Most of em are
things you already do anywayl
Take Workout No. 364: Yanking
the lever on the cigarette machine. If
you pull it real slow, you'll gain five
seconds of aerobic bicep benefit ev
ery time you do it.
Or how about Workout No. 278:
Getting up to get the remote control
off the top of the TV. All you have to
do is run to the remote control in-
Joe Bob Briggs
fibij- II Uwm
stead of walking. Two and a half sec
onds to get to the TV, two and a half
to return, and if you lunge for the
remote when you get there, you'll be
working major muscle groups in the
thighs and shoulders.
One of my favorites is Workout
No. 448: Yelling at your girlfriend.
The facial and vocal muscles are fre
quently overlooked when we plan an
exercise regimen. Not with the Joe
Bob Briggs Five-Second Workout!
See how loud you're able to scream
the following words, and be sure to
time yourself: "They don't make panty
hose that big, Rhinoceros Woman!"
Send me forty bucks today, and I'll
send you the Five-Second Workout.
Within six weeks, I guarantee you'll
be attractive to most people living in
Pine Bluff, Arkansas, or your money
back.
Speaking of cellulite, there are only
about 100 people in the universe who
can show their nekkid body in public
and all of them have been in an
Andy Sidaris movie. Andy, the ABC
sports director who has made an en
tire career of movies about Playboy
Playmates who are actually federal
undercover agents, has done it again.
Guns, featuring six Playmates, in
cluding three-time "Breast Actress"
winner Dona Speir, flops onto the
screen this week with Erik Estrada( ! )
as the evil South American drug
smuggler who is trying to lure Dona to
Las Vegas, lure her out of her se
quined plunging-neckline party dress,
and execute her in a casino showroom.
Fortunately, there are all kinds of
American agents helping protect
Dona, including Cynthia Brimhall,
lead singer in Playboy's Girls of Rock
and Roll, nude oil-wrestlers Donna
Spangler and Kym Malin, and Liv
oQmpOQtfD
Lindeland, who did a centerfold
eighteen years ago but still has intact
torpedos.
As usual, we've got airplanes
blowing up, rocket launchers, assault
rifles, hot tubs, girls that can use
machine guns while dressed in
Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie,
and, of course, no plot to get in the
way of the story. Andy has done it
again, and this time he's added a new
dramatic element: transvestite
hitmen.
Eleven breasts. Fourteen dead
bodies. Three motor vehicle chases,
with crash and burn. Exploding bam
boo. Exploding Ultralite. Exploding
character actor. Oil wrestling. Shower
scene. Hot-tub murder. Gratuitous
ninjas. Kung Fu. Sawed-off shotgun
Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nomi
nations for Erik Estrada, for having
three-story hair and doing his first sex
scene almost; Lisa London, as a
Hawaiian restaurant owner and, of
course, undercover federal agent, for
saying "I do it all everything from
busting heads to baking bread;" Chu
Chu Malave and Richard Cansino,
as cross-dressing gunmen; Cynthia
Brimhall, for singing two lounge songs
while dressed in a lace corset; Devin
Devasquez, as Erik Estrada's girlfriend
in a leopard-skin leotard, for saying
"Let me kill for you;" Roberta Vasquez,
for showing off her two enormous
talents by aardvarking in the desert
on a motocycle seat at sunset; Phyllis
Davis, for watching her daughter
stand three feet from a guy and fire
four nuclear rockets through his chest,
for saying, "How did you learn to
shoot like that?"; and Dona Spier, for
running around in a halter top car
rying a rocket launcher, and for say-
3 Presents
LIVE MUSIC
and
$1.00 DRAUGHT PINTS
Every Tuesday and
Thursday evening
r 1
Late night menu
Served until 1:00 am
nightly
r
University Square
Lower Level
143 W. Franklin St.
Chapel Hill
929-1551
three-story hair
Y 155 Jf 'i J (J
f yw ( 1, W If, y
Ui ; -n
Undercover federal agents Roberta Vasquez, Cynthia Brimhall and
Dona Speir demonstrating oriental exercise techniques in 'Guns'
ing "That's it for me! I'm hitting the Four stars. Joe Bob says check it
shower!" out.
The
Dragons
Garden
Our beautiful atmosphere and our delicious food
rmke us the ideal place to hing your specwlscmteone
please come and join us!
9293143
407 W. Franklin 6L (next to McDonald s)
open 7 days a week for lunch and dinner
Extremely Visible: Arts and
Artifacts in the helms era
Works by local artists
Documentation from around the country
Posters, Photographs and Written Statements
issues
all deal with freedom of expression
and various social ques
tions brought to attention by
extreme conservative actions
Union Gallery
NOV. 7-17