Newspapers / Daily Tar Heel (Chapel … / Nov. 29, 1990, edition 1 / Page 11
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' ' DTH Omnibus Page 3 Thursday November 29, 1990 Well, here it is ... 0mm asping tor air, sweat pouring f fj from my pores in veritable ri waterfalls, I arrive home at " 1 1:00 in the morning. The a'bJ evening wrestling matches with my homework have not been kind; I was thrown out of the ring and jumped on several times by a research paper roughly the size of Andre the Giant. I simply must consider a career change. Before the door has finished swinging open, I collapse, semicon scious, on the floor, right between the sociology coursepak and the stack of Domino's boxes. Bits of carpet fuzz are accumulating on my stomach; I do not care, for I am fast asleep ... The bloody phone rings. "Whadjawant!" I growl. "Chip, it's Alisa." (My editor! Dear Beware of Mave you seen these Tolstoy novels they're selling as I greeting cards now ?The ones I I that take three hours to read, because they're all about how someone "finally found the words to tell you how I feel about you?" The ones that say what a "great person" you are "with so much to offer the world r They have watercolor back grounds, and they always start off with some headline like "Our Love, End less Love." Somebody sent me one of these babies the other day the one that starts out "I'm Concerned About You." Uh-oh. Beware of any greeting card that begins with something your sixth grade teacher would say. "There's no easy way to say this," it begins. And I'm thinking, "No easy way to say it? Where'd you get the printing press to print it?" "There's no easy way to say this, but I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't let you know. I'm worried about you. You're changing ... Our friendship is changing. And I can't just stand by and let that happen. I believe in you ... And it hurts me deeply to see you hurting yourself this way." And then, four hours later, after listing all the ways this person wants me to "find some help," it says "I care about you ... I'm concerned about you ... and now, more than ever, I want to be your friend." And it has a name after the last line: "Molly Wigand." I don't know any Molly Wigand. And then it hit me: Molly Wigand is the author of the greeting card. It's her byline. Somebody who's concerned about me, but didn't have the guts to tell me, or didn't have the verbal skills to manipulate me with a letter, hired Molly Wigand, a professional ma nipulator. Do you understand the implica tions of this? They have hundreds of Chip Sudderth Hike QxiKfi siuffife! God protect me! ) "What are you do ing this week?" No! No! She wants me to write something "It d-d-depends on what you need," I answer. Will she detect the nervous tremolo in my voice and take pity on me? "I need you to write a column for us every other week." I don't wait to open the suite door; I crash through it, and flee into the night, screaming all the way. Hello, and welcome to The Last those greeting card novels: Joe Bob Briggs these cards now. They have the one that starts out "I love your sense of humor" and goes on to list 367 things that "I" like about "you" and reasons that we'll always be in love a great one to send if you're not sure whether the other person is in love or not. They have one called "To My Child," that goes on and on about all the things the parent used to do "when you were hurting or afraid," but now it's time "to let you grow from your mistakes and heartaches" in other words, don't come whining to me. There's one for Dad, about how he never says anything "but you never fooled me I always knew how much you cared" perfect for the son who has no idea whether he cared or not. And then there's one especially sly 11111 . .1 .I A look at things to come. OMNIBUS. Thursday. ma on? mcxB Buy any dinner entree and get one of equal or lesser value FREE. 0000 OfoQ CKPvP (tieiili iiHt'ixntlQfen fMtfjjpJMltili ttffj- num. vVilflMiHWI- half of something clever Stand, which is a damned odd title for a page three column. You see, the layout goddesses, Lisa and Laura, wouldn't let me keep the original column title that I used in last summer's Weekly Daily Tar Heel (would someone explain that one to me?): Some Assembly Required. That was appropriate; if you took a pair of scissors, cut my columns up into itty bitty bits and glued the pieces together randomly, they invariably made more sense. Nope. Some Assembly Required was Too Darn Big for those nifty-keen logo boxes nestled above. I mean, there isn't even room for something silly like Tastes Great, I Just Sleep Here or Strictly Business. So it's The Last Stand, and as soon as I figure out what that means, I'll let you know. one that starts out "I feel so good about us. It seems not a day goes by that I don't hear about another di vorce or breakup, or someone who's miserable but stays in a relationship because 'someone' is better than 'no one.' And when I hear these things, I can't help but be thankful for you ..." You get the idea. We must be happy, because there are a lot of people more pitiful than we are. Now we have a whole new reason to buy greeting cards. They're not just something you buy to get past somebody's birthday or anniversary. They're not just something you buy to make yourself feel good about doing all the family obligations that you don't really wanna do but you'll feel guilty if you don't. They're now entire letters you can send to people in order to lie to them in just the right way. This is great! People like Molly - Wigand could eventually become best-selling authors, as they discover people who love to manipulate other jH'oifjfl '11 Quick observation: No More Mikeman. No More Mikeman. On an only slightly related note: A psychopathic hatred for Duke Uni versity forms 54 percent of the fibre of my being, and I see no reason why it should diminish between games. Just because the first basketball game be tween UNC and Duke is weeks away, should I refrain from making the ob servation that Bobby Hurley looks like a small rodent that met an un fortunate end beneath the wheels of a Jeep Cherokee? 1 think not. But, in the midst of all the "Beat Dook" hysteria, I didn't hear one good Duke joke. Oh, a lot of funny comments about how Duke's campus is made of prefab pseudo- people in the same way that they do. "Are you Molly Wigand?" they'll say in airports. "I can't believe it! I've been an admirer of yours for so long. I used your To a Super Mom' message to get the old bat off my back. But my favorite was 'Remember when we played goofy games together and I couldn't stand for the day to end?' That was your best one. When I gave that to my husband, he almost be lieved there was a time when we did play goofy games together." My personal favorite is "I never meant to hurt you and I'm really sorry that I did," which goes on for a couple pages and ends in "Please believe me I never meant to hurt you." I'm sending in my own composi ALL YOUR MUSIC AT A GOOD ALL IN CARRBORO GUITARS - DRUMS - SALES - REPAIRS SERVICE M-F10-6 SAT10-5 1 16 W. MAIN ST. 968-4411 Gouvon Good For SOt. OFFDdiverv! r JL JLOJLJL ViJL JULVJXJL JLD Grilled 14 Chicken. $3.50 12 Chicken $4.50 Whole Chicken $8.50 Includes grilled pita bread, slaw or potato salad, and choice of sauces Chicken Tijita' Sandwich $3.50 For DEIJVERY,call 942 - NEWHoyRS 11 zlXL MQN.SAT exps12-20-90 Gothic materials, and such, but no real jokes. Let me take steps to rectify that problem. If anyone, anyone out there has a favorite Duke joke or one-liner, send it to me, care of the good ol' Omni. I'll try to print one every other week. The shorter, the better. Jokes depending solely on biological func tions probably won't see the light of day, but if we can run Joe Bob every week, you know that tastelessness is a virtue. C-ya in two. Chip Sudderth is a junior Speech CommunicationJRTVM P major from Kemersville who has some dirt on his editors, and if they don't pay up now, everyone wiU. know about their fetishes for brick walls. they lie! tion to Hallmark Cards this week. It goes like this: "I meant to hurt you. When two people are as close as we are, they get on each other's nerves. My tongue can be a cattle prod, and I know it frightens you and makes you feel alone and separated. This was my inten tion. I'm tired. I want a divorce. We could save a lot of money on lawyers if you would just see that, after all we've been through together, we have a lot of valuable furniture. I would like some of that furniture. You would like some of that furniture. Let's make it a clean break, because, remember I meant to hurt you." I think my card has a bigger poten tial market, don't you? KEYBOARDS P.A. fARR MILL WENDY'S i - GRIL !-. J hLh iili K, .,i..,terrli,,,,, lz, GARDEN- J
Daily Tar Heel (Chapel Hill, N.C.)
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Nov. 29, 1990, edition 1
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