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DTH Omnibus Page 3
iThursday February 21, 1991
The M. C. Dudes
"l rl ello, neighbors.
I J Well, last week the two
of us aborted our usual
I I Sunday night activity. We
1 U usually stay home, devour
Fritos and watch MacGyver reruns.
We really get off watching someone
build a helicopter out of a lawn mower
or an atomic bomb out of a candy bar,
which was last week's special.
This day, though, something was
in the air, and this time it wasn't a
fart. We decided to have "Cylinder
Guys' Night Out," and went to see
Kevin Costner studding in Dances
With Wolves. The movie was great,
but the beer .in our trench coats got
warm after the third hour of the flick
and we had to stretch things to keep
our level of juvenile humor up to par.
WTiether or not anything can actually
play par with our contorted senses of
humor is debatable, but that's a dis
cussion for another day.
Really, the only thing left to in-
Home-video sex tapes risk revealing too much
Editor's note: This is a special Joe
Bob pulled out of the archives in the
musty, dusty recesses of the Omnibus
file cabinet because we needed something
to fill this space this week, and well, we
thought this was kinda' humorous (as
well as relevant, after the recent staff
party). This column was originally
published Nov. 3, 1990.
merica's funniest home vid-
II eos aren t the ones on TV.
III They're the ones that start
J 1 .. '..I 1 C 4,.
Beluga whales rummaging
around on a waterbed, poking up
through the sheets like humps in the
Loch Ness Monster, while Beluga
Whale Number One says "Did you
turn it on?" and Beluga Whale Num
ber Two answers "Yes I turned it on,
now get nekkid."
Home-video sex tapes were not
invented by Rob Lowe. And, actually,
now that I think about it, Rob should
be ashamed ofhimself. Anybody who's
been around that many movie sets
should know how to light his own
body better than that. Rob looked
like a hunk of protoplasm demon
strating cell division I thought I
was watching a junior-high science
But the difference today, even
though home-video sex is an old thing,
is that the middle class has discovered
it. How do I know this? Because ar
ticles are turning up in the
newsweeklies and the newspapers.
The writer always seems amazed, if
not shocked, to learn that "ordinary
couples are spicing up their sex lives
with a home-movie camera."
Why do they always assign these
articles to the most naive person on
the staff? Or, to put it another way,
why do they assign the article to
someone who's such a liar that he'll
act shocked about something that
doesn't surprise him in the least. I've
never met a true newsman who didn't
know all 485 positions of the Kama
Master Cylinder Dudes
trigue at the movie was this bizarre
notion of Indian names tossed around
throughout the movie. "Stands With
Joe Bob Briggs
Sutra and the home phone numbers
of at least seven pimps. Don't they
teach this course in journalism school
anymore: "How To Get a Pimp To
Talk To Your
Anyhow, after they're finished
with the ir as tounding discoveries about
the number of people willing to get
nekkid in front of a camera, they go
straight to experts to explain the
phenomenon psychiatrists, psy
chologists, sexual researchers. And
they always say the same thing:
"Anything that both parties desire
and agree to will add spice to a mar
riage." And then later on in the article,
one or two of the psychologists will
say: "Of course, these things some
times go sour."
For once in my life, I'd like to
scream at em, "Okay, Mister Super
Shrink, which is it ? Spice orsour? Make
up your goldurn mind!"
I would say,' in the area of human
sex movies, that "sour" is an under
statement. I would say this because of
certain well-known facts about
1 ) As a nation, we're fat. We're the
fattest people on earth. A video cam
in a wild naming frenzy
a Fist," "Wind in his Hair," "Kicking
Bird," Stone Calf," we thought these
were all great names. Being the jeal
ous kind, we wanted our own nick
names, ones that really delved into
The rules are simple ... so simple,
in fact, that there is only one: Empha
sis must be placed on the first word of
the name. "Stands With a Fist," be
comes "Stands With a Fist," and so on.
After that, just find the most out
standing point of someone's person
ality and go to work. The rest is only
limited by the unforeseen boundaries
of our fervent imaginations.
Scott's Indian name was easy. His
curious and uncanny countercultural
ritual of dressing opposite to the tra
ditional garb of the temperate season
"ir" sAf -kp fVA"
In Winter, he will forever be
known as "Barefoot in January." In the
warmer months of the year, he has
become "Four Shirts."
era adds about ten pounds to your
body. So what you're gonna be seeing
on a lot of these videos is Holstein
Jubilee. This is not a pretty sight when
it's other people. When it's you, you
better bring some barf bags to the
2) Actors wear makeup. Even
porno actors wear makeup. Unless
you intend to put on body makeup,
you're gonna end up looking at the
tape later and saying, "Martha, is that
a lizard on your leg?"
3) Havingsex is dramatic. Watching
two people have sex is comedy. If you
expect this to be romantic, you should
enroll in the Actor's Studio, study
five years, and then hire a member of
the Writers Guild of America West
to write your script.
If you want comedy, no problem.
Just say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't
give a damn," and make a flying leap
onto your down comforter.
Or try this one: "You know I can't
resist you when you say 'nookie' that
4) Sooner or later, if you do this
long enough, you're gonna leave the
tape in the machine. Jerry is gonna
come over from next door to watch
. the replay of the 49ers game, you hit
the remote, and whammol
there's Wally and the Beav spread
eagled on a 19-inch screen.
It's not that Jerry won't forgive
Sam's was a bit harder.perhaps
because he has become so unorthodox
as of late that nothing stands out
anymore. We resorted to rearranging
the actual names from the movie to
accommodate Sam's true personality.
"Stands With Three Legs," "Wind in
his Pants," "Kicking Himself," the list
could be endless.
This was so much fun, of course,
we couldn't stop there. We came up
with some names for some celebrities.
1 ) Coaches: Mack Brown? "Grins
a Lot." Dean Smith? "Wins a Lot." Or,
for the non-Tar Heel faithful, "Sounds
Like a Troll" will do just fine.
2) Political figures: The fact that
our prestigious president George Bush
married someone who more resembles
his mother than his wife gave us some
great ideas, the most benign of which
was "Oh-so Oedipal."
Saddam Hussein, we've heard,
enjoys polygamy something we
think sounds nifty so we couldn't
It's not that' Jerry will see your
spouse buck nekkid.
It's that Jerry will see you buck
nekkid and he'll never be able to
get it out of his memory.
Don't try it. Really. I warn you.
JOE BOB BRIGGS'
ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
How do you tell a rich hillbilly
from a poor one?
The rich one has two cars up on
blocks in the yard.
What does a hillbilly say to his
buddy on amateur night at the topless
"Damn! I didn't know you sister
had such big Winnebagos!"
What's a hillbilly call his first date ?
Why don't hillbillies have houses ?
They refuse to carry the Sears
Why do hillbillies put their school
diploma in the rear window of their
crack on his love life. "Serves Mustard
Gas on his Burgers" will have to do.
Reagan was hard, if only because
his charming sojourn into politics left
so many impressions. His absent
mindedness lends credence to "Loses
his Keys," or perhaps "Not -Really
Alzheimer's." However, after much
consideration, we eventually sided
with "Should Have Stuck to Acting."
3) Athletes: Duke basketball play
ers are great to make fun of, namely
Christian Lacttner and Bobby Hurley.
Laettner is "Brushes Hair BackToo
Often While Standing on the Free
Throw Line on National Television."
Hurley, of course this could be
expected following his bout with di
arrhea in the NCAA Tournament
last season is "Squirts a Lot."
The Master Cylinder Guys, Sam
Ruff and Scott Gold, are juniors who
obviously deserve one collective nick'
So they can park in the handi
Dear Joe Bob,
I really enjoyed your article on
Prozac. I worked in a shrink's office
and I have tried Prozac because of the
reported weight loss but found it did
absolutely zilch for me. Also it has
been reported to cause increased sui
cidal ideation among users. Welbutrin
is a much kinder and gentler drug,
which also has the exciting side effect
of increased libido along with weight
Thanks for being and sharing with
Ever since I got your letter, I've been
popping Welbutrin. The good news is
that 1 can now have sex 38 time a day.
The bad news is that 1 only weigh 38
pounds. I think the good outweighs the
bad, don't you?
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