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Page 8 DTH Omnibus
Thursday February 21, 1991
Bored with the same old scene?
The Omnibus
adventure guide
So there's nothing to do in Chapel
Hill, and even if there were, it's too
gross outside to do anything. A solu
tion to this dilemma? Pack up the old
Chevette and head out of town!
Where to go, you may ask? Once
again, turn to the Omni Star Cham
ber for the cool places to see and be
seen. Come on, you're in school, don't
you want to be able to tell your kids
how you were a spontaneous, rebel
college student?
TOP TEN LIST OF PLACES
TO GO AND THINGS TO DO
ONCE YOU GET THERE:
1. Washington, D.C. Our
nation's capital is a mere four hours
away from Chapel Hill, so there is no
excuse for your never having been
there. Remedy the situation immedi
ately. Things to see: just go to the
Mall and look around, you'll probably
recognize some things. The museums
ofNatural History, American History,
and Air and Space are all on the Mall,
as are the National Gallery of Art and
the Hirschorn Gallery of Art. A must
see is the National Zoo. Just ask some
one how to get there (it is not on the
Mall). OOOOO
2. New York Yes, we are talk
ing about the Big Apple, and in only
a nine-hour drive, it can be yours. Go
straight up 1-95, bear right at
Wilmington and just follow the Jer
sey Turnpike until you hit the Lincoln
Tunnel. It's cake to get there, and
once you do, you can figure out how
to entertain yourself. Obviously,
OOOOO
3. Charleston It is undeniably
the most beautiful city in the South,
it's near beaches, it has great bars ...
what more could you want ? Things to
see: for a taste of the Old South, go to
the Battery (they, have cannons and
everything), for great bargains go to
the open-air market and to get a tan
or relax, head out to one of the beaches
surrounding Charleston (the closest
is about 15 minutes outside the city).
4 hours. OOOO
4. Atlanta this is the up-and-coming
city of the South, and it is far
more cosmopolitan than N.C.'s very
own Charlotte could hope to be.
There are a lot of cheap places to stay
(and since half of the graduating class
of '90 lives there, you might be able to
crash on their floor.) Things to see:
Lenox your basic enormous shop
ping mall, The Underground an
other mall, but it's underground!
During baseball season go see the
Braves (they are the closest major
league team), there are also museums
and tons o' bars. 7 hours. OOO 12
5. Nashville What can we say
except that it's the country music
capital of the world, so open your
lives up to a new experience. Things
to see: the Grand Ole Oprey, and
while you're at it, go watch a filming
of Hee Haw. 10 hours. OOO
6. Atlantic City Okay, we know
this is pushing it, but how many of you
have actually been there ? Go gamble,
waste some money, and if you're re
ally nice Donald Trump might let you
sleep in his parking lot. Things to see:
the Taj Mahal, huge monstrosity that
it is, the beach (again), that's about
all. 7 hours, maybe 8. OOO
7. Boone (or any other mountain
ous area) Obviously, this is the
heart of the ski season, and what
better reason do you need to go to the
mountains? 3 hours. OOO
8. The beach No, we're not
crazy. It's off-season, the rates are way
down, there aren't all the cheez-balls
running around, and it's lovely this
time of year. Things to see: the ocean.
The closest beach to Chapel Hill is
about two hours away, Myrtle Beach
is 4 hours and Hilton Head is 5.
OO 12
9. Athens, G.A. This town,
which is home to the University of
Georgia, is a hot spot for trendy,
emerging music. Things to do: Good
bars are the Globe and Georgia Bar
(trendy artsy bars). If you want to buy
records, go to Wuxtry ... and if you
want to hear a band go to the 40-Watt
or the Georgia Theater. 6 hours.
OO 12
1 0. South of the Border (everyone
goes there at some point, and it is
close by so why not?) Things to do:
take a ride up to the top of the som
brero, buy fireworks or eat lunch. 2
hours. O (Hey, but it's something to
do ...)
O dcn't bother filling the tank
OO nice place to visit, but ...
OOO bring a friend along
OOOO wear out the treads
OOOOO never come back
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The Lincoln Memorial is just one of the many attractions D.C. has to offer. Once you get there, you won't have to search for something to do.
On the road with
Chan
By LAYTON CROFT
and CHARLES MARSHALL
Assistant Editor
and Senior Writer
Editor's note: The following article
in no way reflects the collective sanity or
rationality of the editorial staff or anyone
affiliated with Omnibus. Charles and
Layton took this road trip across the
- South of their own free will, and we
made the mistake of letting them write
about it.
Take a load off, put on your suede
underwear, wrap, some steel-toed
moccasins around those clompers,
cram a corncob pipe in yer flapper,
and prepare yourself fer a mighty tale
'bout two krazy critters.
Once upon a time Charles and
Layton existed: two wacky anti-sub-pop
dreamchildren of no earthly
realm. Round" came Christmas time
1990 and the fellas got an itch on
their hamstring and an iguana's tail
up their crappers.
Layton got a can of Skoal in his
stocking and Charles received a
photograph of a cloud from Santa ...
Time for a roadtrip, trip. The spritely
lads put a wiggle in their stride and
fell onto the long, lonely, curvy, dusty
highway. They almost got carried away
into the realm of endless metaphors
comparing The Myth of the Highway
to Life's Rites of Passage, but didn't.
Instead they counted Waffle
Houses and contemplated what a 13
hour set by Bob Mould in their living
room would be like. The kids were
alright, but the windshield wipers
failed. .
Charlotte, NC slowly bled into
Atlanta, GA after 4 wet hours. P ural
Georgia whined with pleas for a visit
to every hasty auto. Charles and
Layton faithfully answered the call of
the road, armed with twr '.: Kodak
Breezes.
The zealous z: rs zoomed into
Pell City, home of the only Kentucky
Fried Chicken that is still dumb
enough to sell Chicken Littles for
$.39! Charles ate six at once and
packed three more in his suitcase.
Layton was more reserved, as he con
templated all the words that may
rhyme with 'zebra'.
All the world is a stage, and the
merry pranksters were making a cur
tain call on their unillustrious quest
for further enlightenment. (They got
back on the road.)
Birmingham, AL: home of a lot of
quiet people. The city bubbles with
burgeoning boastfulness for only in
Birmingham will anyone ever find
The Vulcan, the largest cast-iron steel
statue in the U.S. The dumbfounded
dudes feigned and then fainted,
landing in Layton's magnanimous
mound of magma-like dip spit.
Charles tactfully chased his host
family out of their luxurious home all
the way to Arizona (by accident).
Layton slept on the floor in the coffee
shop so he could tell everyone.
They woke and broke out of town,
en route to Little Rock, Ark. Like
most law-abiding, toilet-flushing,
three-times-a-day-floss-using, universe-pondering,
frog-gigging
American males under the age of 2 1 , t
our two quasi-pathetic heroes followed
the drug-inspired guidance from their
Official AAA Trip-Til
Nightmare for most, iJleasuredome
on wheels for these raspy romantics.
"The farther we have to drive, the
more we get to eat fast food," Charles
aptly commented at one juncture in
the conversation with a glitter in his
eye and a sparkle in his smile except
for the piece of food in his teeth.
"Yeah, and maybe we'll set a record
for how many tapes two people can
listen to in a car without having to
pee," Layton coyly added, with glitter
on his teeth and lint in his eye.
es and Layton
They bounced throughLouisiana,
managing to snap two rolls of film in
two hours. One of the two ultra-highlights
of their sojourn was the drink
bar at Pizza Hut in Vicksburg, Mis
sissippi home of many Civil War
memorial sites.
Charles slyly ordered the drink bar
with his meat-lovers' personal pan,
which leniently allowed our man to
walk on up to that oasis of palatable
earthly delights as many times as he
darned well pleased even if his cup
would happen to runneth over.
Oh Nelly! He drank Pepsi, and
Grape Nehi, and Country Time
lemonade, and A & W Root Beer,
and then he started mixing ...
Little Rock was iced over and so
was St. Louis, MO, so they by-passed
the mediocre midwest and tugged back
at the roots that so often yanked at
sensitive spots, making them sore.
The two ended their brief, but
hospitable stay in Little Rock with a
bang as Layton attempted to burn
Charles in his sleep, but was scared
when he realized that he himself was
wearing government-banned, highly
flammable, Underdog pajamas.
One anecdote: Layton seemed to
be extra-curious one endless-highway
evening as to whether one could (if
heshe wanted) buy alcohol on a Sun
day in the kinda deep South. So he
asked in Olive Branch, Alabama.
The greasy Kwik Mart attendant
swiftly informed our hero in question
that, "Nah, you ain't gonna' be able
to git no drink on Sundee. Not in
'Bama, Missippi, Leweezana. No
where." Layton nodded, his whimsical cu
riosity satisfied, but was roadblocked
by a large being who stepped in our
wimpy tragic hero's way. The crea
ture said, "Nope, that ain't true. Lis
ten boy, you head up the road 'bout
15and you'll get to Chester. There, at
the store on the side of the road,
you can git you sum drink."
Atlanta, GA New Year's
Eve. Charles and Layton had been
eating far too well, so they decided
to splurge at the wink of an eyelash
their cholesterol counts and tackle
The Varsity. Layton ate three
double cheeseburgers with chili,
two chili-cheese-slaw dogs, large
(old) onion rings and a large Fanta
orange on a bet from Charles for a
12-pack of beer. (Charles had
happily turned 21 the night be
fore.) Later, Charles swishbuckled his
way downtown to where Layton
stood, his chili-slaw-mayo-cheeseburgerJagermeister
over
dose intact, blissfully cutting the
strings on the falling peach at the
Underground before the rest of
Atlanta was ready.
Charles crashed in the down
town Days Inn after being kicked
out of the Westin. Layton doesn't
remember where he crashed, but
he does remember something about
garbage cans, smelly kittens and
bellybutton hair.
Weary-eyed, the ragged ruckus
meandered to Chattanooga, TN,
after giving a dollar to some goofy
dude at a rest stop in Calhoun,
Georgia. "Nooga proved to en
lighten the tired twosome, provid
ing hilltop ecstasy on Lookout Mtn.
and thrills of no earthly compari
son from the mystic magic that
unfolds behind the sturdy gates of
Rock City.
Charles almost fell off a very
high peak while taking a leak, but
left pal Layton forever content with
the knowledge that if Charles were
ever to die or get crushed by a
falling limb, Layton could have his
entire CD collection, and vice
versa. Killer!
OmnibusMondy Lamb
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