DTH Omnibus Page 9
Thursday February 21, 1991
fust passing through
Lincoln Memorial is just one of the many attractions D.C. has to offer. Once you get there, you won't have to search for something to do.
'ii the road with Chai? les and Lay ton
By LAYTON CROFT
CHARLES MARSHALL
Assistant Editor
and Senior Writer
oitor's note: The following article
way reflects the collective sanity or
lality of the editorial staff or anyone
ed with Omnibus. Charles and
n took this road trip across the
of their own free will, and we
the mistake of letting them write
it.
Ike a load off, put on your suede
Jrwear, wrap some steel-toed
asins around those clompers,
a corncob pipe in yer flapper,
repare yourself fer a mighty tale
two krazy critters.
hce upon a time Charles and
pn existed: two wacky anti-sub-
dreamchildren of no earthly
. Round" came Christmas time
and the fellas got an itch on
hamstring and an iguana's tail
eir crappers.
yton got a can of Skoal in his
ing and Charles received a
bgraph of a cloud from Santa ...
for a roadtrip, trip. The spritely
xit a wiggle in their stride and
nto the long, lonely, curvy, dusty
vay. They almost got carried away
the realm of endless metaphors
taring The Myth of the Highway
fe's Rites of Passage, but didn't,
tstead they counted Waffle
;es and contemplated what a 13
set by Bob Mould in their living
i would be like. The kids were
it, but the windshield wipers
1.
harlotte, NC slowly bled into
nta, G A after 4 wet hours. F ural
gia whined with pleas for a visit
very hasty auto. Charles and
an faithfully answered the call of
oad, armed with twr , : Kodak
zes.
he zealous i' rs zoomed into
Pell City, home of the only Kentucky
Fried Chicken that is still dumb
enough to sell Chicken Littles for
$.39! Charles ate six at once and
packed three more in his suitcase.
Layton was more reserved, as he con
templated all the words that may
rhyme with 'zebra'.
All the world is a stage, and the
merry pranksters were making a cur
tain call on their unillustrious quest
for further enlightenment. (They got
back on the road.)
Birmingham, AL: home of a lot of
quiet people. The city bubbles with
burgeoning boastfulness for only in
Birmingham will anyone ever find
The Vulcan, the largest cast-iron steel
statue in the U.S. The dumbfounded
dudes feigned and then fainted,
landing in Layton's magnanimous
mound of magma-like dip spit.
Charles tactfully chased his host
family out of their luxurious home all
the way to Arizona (by accident).
Layton slept on the floor in the coffee
shop so he could tell everyone.
They woke and broke out of town,
en route to Little Rock, Ark. Like
most law-abiding, toilet-flushing,
three-times-a-day-floss-using, universe-pondering,
frog-gigging
American males under the age of 21, t
our two quasi-pathetic heroes followed
the drug-inspired guidance from their
Official AAA Trip-TU
Nightmare for most, iJleasuredome
on wheels for these raspy romantics.
"The farther we have to drive, the
more we get to eat fast food," Charles
aptly commented at one juncture in
the conversation with a glitter in his
eye and a sparkle in his smile except
for the piece of food in his teeth.
"Yeah, and maybe we'll set a record
for how many tapes two people can
listen to in a car without having to
pee," Layton coyly added, with glitter
on his teeth and lint in his eye.
They bounced throughLouisiana,
managing to snap two rolls of film in
two hours. One of the two ultra-highlights
of their sojourn was the drink
bar at Pizza Hut in Vicksburg, Mis
sissippi home of many Civil War
memorial sites.
Charles slyly ordered the drink bar
with his meat-lovers' personal pan,
which leniently allowed our man to
walk on up to that oasis of palatable
earthly delights as many times as he
darned well pleased even if his cup
would happen to runneth over.
Oh Nelly! He drank Pepsi, and
Grape Nehi, and Country Time
lemonade, and A & W Root Beer,
and then he started mixing ...
Little Rock was iced over and so
was St. Louis, MO, so they by-passed
the mediocre midwest and tugged back
at the roots that so often yanked at
sensitive spots, making them sore.
The two ended their brief, but
hospitable stay in Little Rock with a
bang as Layton attempted to burn
Charles in his sleep, but was scared
when he realized that he himself was
wearing government-banned, highly
flammable, Underdog pajamas.
One anecdote: Layton seemed to
be extra-curious one endless-highway
evening as to whether one could (if
heshe wanted) buy alcohol on a Sun
day in the kinda deep South. So he
asked in Olive Branch, Alabama.
The greasy Kwik Mart attendant
swiftly informed our hero in question
that, "Nah, you ain't gonna' be able
to git no drink on Sundee. Not in
'Bama, Missippi, Leweezana. No
where." Layton nodded, his whimsical cu
riosity satisfied, but was roadblocked
by a large being who stepped in our
wimpy tragic hero's way. The crea
ture said, "Nope, that ain't true. Lis
ten boy, you head up the road 'bout
1 5and you'll get to Chester. There, at
the store on the side of the road,
you can git you sum drink."
Atlanta, GA New Year's
Eve. Charles and Layton had been
eating far too well, so they decided
to splurge at the wink of an eyelash
their cholesterol counts and tackle
The Varsity. Layton ate three
double cheeseburgers with chili,
two chili-cheese-slaw dogs, large
(old) onion rings and a large Fanta
orange on a bet from Charles for a
12-pack of beer. (Charles had
happily turned 21 the night be
fore.) Later, Charles swishbuckled his
way downtown to where Layton
stood, his chili-slaw-mayo-cheeseburgerJagermeister
over
dose intact, blissfully cutting the
strings on the falling peach at the
Underground before the rest of
Atlanta was ready.
Charles crashed in the down
town Days Inn after being kicked
out of the Westin. Layton doesn't
remember where he crashed, but
he does remember something about
garbage cans, smelly kittens and
bellybutton hair.
Weary-eyed, the ragged ruckus
meandered to Chattanooga, TN,
after giving a dollar to some goofy
dude at a rest stop in Calhoun,
Georgia. Nooga proved to en
lighten the tired twosome, provid
ing hilltop ecstasy on Lookout Mtn.
and thrills of no earthly compari
son from the mystic magic that
unfolds behind the sturdy gates of
Rock City.
Charles almost fell off a very
high peak while taking a leak, but
left pal Layton forever content with
the knowledge that if Charles were
ever to die or get crushed by a
falling limb, Layton could have his
entire CD collection, and vice
versa. Killer!
By DAVID MINTON
Guest Writer
-i My Summer Vacationby David s
Minton, or How to Tour Six
Eastern States in Twelve Hours ?
or Less Without Missing Much. ;
For those tired of the beach and
visits to Aunt Sally in Alabama, ?
try a whirlwind tour of six eastern
coastal states for a change of pace.
You can leave campus Friday (ditch
those classes), shop in New York;
City Saturday and return Sunday
with plenty of time to spare.
- Before you go, pack some drinks s
and munchies so you don't have to
stop along the way. Bring those gas
cards Dad told you to use in case of
an emergency, and let's go.
North Carolina What can I
say about,North Carolina you don't
already know? Let's skip it. Jump
onto 1-85 North and head for
Virginia, j ust before the border,
poke your head out the window ;
and check out Buggs Island Lake.
It's just plain huge, and something
you might only have seen five or
six times. -
Virginia Remember to get
on 1-95 when you get to Petersburg;
When you notice an overwhelm
ing odor of tobacco, look around
for the Phillip Morris plant- Tours :
of the facility are conducted
Monday through Friday from 9 a.m.
to 4 p.m. This stop is a must-see for
all public relations and advertising
majors. Cigarette companies are
masters in these areas. A comple
mentary package of cigarettes is
presented to each participant after
successful completion of the tour
Those who aren't into 'P.R.
should checkout Quantico. There's
a quaint park named Prince Wil
liam Forest. You can't miss it, since
it's right next to the Quantico U.S.
Marine Corps Reservation and
National Cemetery. Prince .Wil
liam Forest has nice trees, pretty
flowers and chirpy birds. Eat your
munchies and head for ...
Washington, D.C. - ' Every-
body has been to D.C so just fol
low 1-95 onto the Beltway around
! 1
m
tr
5 -
the nation's capital. The reality is
America's largest jumble of one-way
streets at odd angles, designed specifi
cally to confuse tourists and ruin their
lives. If you really need a look, peer
north, as you cross the Woodrow
Wilson Memorial Bridge. Look hard
and you'll see a clutter of marble
buildings that should satisfy any pa
triotic cravings.
Maryland Nestled in woods
about two miles east of 1-95 is the
Ordinance Museum of the Aberdeen
Proving Grounds. Housed at the mu
seum is one of the premier collections :
of foreign military hardware. This
i place has everything you could imag
ine in military paraphernalia, includ
ing tanks, tank destroyers, assault guns,
artillery, rocket launchers, missiles
and the only German rail gun to
survive World War I L While many
journey to see "Anzio Annie" or the
atomic cannon, my personal favorite
is a vintage Jagd Panzer VI (Jagd Tt
? ger).This German tankdestroyerfrom
1945 weighs in at a hefty 72 tons and
sports a smart-looking 128 mm muni
tion. It survived two direct hits from
Allied ; armor-piercing rounds: the
gouges are large enough for you to put
your fist in. Neat-o.
Delaware Since 1-95 only
transverses about 20 miles of this fine
state, there is not much to see. Take a
gander at the highway you're on, just
south of the Delaware Memorial
DTHDavi5 Minton
Bridge five lanes in each direc
tion, what a marvel of transporta
tional planning.
New Jersey 1-95 is called the
New Jersey Turnpike north of the
Delaware Memorial Bridge. It is the
most God-forsaken stretch of high
way known to man. Beware, the
exits can be as much as 33 miles
apart, so watch your fuel consump
t ion or pay the price (of towing your
car to the next gas station).
Follow 1-95 north to exit 10,
then take Highway 440 to the Outer
Bridge Crossing over the Arthur
Kill into Staten Island, the forgot
ten fifth borough, southern tip of ...
New York Once in Staten
Island, drive north to the town of
St. George on the north shore and
hop on the Staten Island Ferry. You
can take your car along on the ride
to Manhattan, but I don't recom
mend iti The ferry leisurely crosses
Upper New York Bay in about 40
minutes, and the 25-cent round trip
is one of the few bargains left in
New York. Enjoy your stay in the
fair metropolis.
When you're done with New
York, follow the same route back to
North Carolina. See you on the
open road.
This column originally appeared in
the Sept. 1 , 1 988 issue of The Daily
Tar Heel.
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71
DTWDavid Minton
Okay, so the palm tree fell over before we could take the picture, but you get the idea