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DTH Omnibus Page 3
Thursday February 20, 1992
Pssst! Write in the M.C. Dudes for SBP
"1 n ello, neighbors.
J I No more promotional
contests (for now).
No more discussions about car farts.
This week, we go out on the edge,
for us anyway, fearing not the con
ceivable alienation of some faction of
our reading population.
This week, we get real.
To tell you the truth, we're going
to talk about something that 95 per
cent of the student population doesn't
care about, but that'sone reason we're
writing this. Having faith in our liter
ary juggernaut, we hope to hold your
Subject: Campus politics.
Let's start with this: Do you know
who our student body president is ? Do
you know that some of the jokers on
Student Congress go to an elected
office and make decisions supposedly
affecting you, the common, grovel
lingstudent, with an outstanding vic
tory margin of three, yes, three write
How important do these folks think
they are? Newspapers tend to report
on them, that's true, but only because
it's pre-packaged news. Does anyone
read it all the way through, except
maybe those involved and those it
really pisses off? The point is, without
an extended stay on the throne or
some other similar obligatory stay in
one spot, you might not even know
that you didn't care.
Master Cylinder Dudes
In response to this sentiment, we
were going to start a student apathy
club. But we figured no one would
show up for the meetings. Even us.
This campus is a microcosm of the
world of politics and sleazy politi
cians. Our biggest beef is with Mark Bibbs.
This campus is only beginning to un
derstand what a pompous, inflated
stooge one has to be to do the things
he does. For those of you who have
been around, has he not pulled this
same jazz for three years ? After all this
time, do you not think he's learned
that no one cares as much as he does
how he performs? If not, do we really
want someone with that much of a
distinct lack of common sense to be
the president of the student body?
Case in point: Bibbs finished fourth
in the preliminary SBP elections. He
searched high and low, finally finding
a technicality, which may have re
moved top finisher Rashmi Airan.
Bibbs argues that Mark Chilton
worked for Airan during the election
(which, it turns out, consisted of pass
ing tape to someone putting up post
ers), and then worked at the poll sites.
This, Bibbs said, m
was a conflict of I
caught in the
middle of all of
this juvenile po
Airan may have
lost her bid, while .
Chilton, whom, Ma Bibbs
you will recall, is on Chapel Hill
Town Council and may be trying to
accomplish something politically
sound while Bibbs is running around
digging up dirt.
Meanwhile, Bibbs' former little
roomie Tim Moore (this must have
been a happy household to be a part
of), is running for re-election to Stu
dent Congress. Moore allegedly in
tentionally ensured that his district
was small enough to get him re
elected. Supposedly, he couldn't find
enough people to put checks next to
his name in any of the real districts
i. ji.imn.,j.LtPL,..i i mm i... i i
(apologies to Rock Creek Apart
ments). Moore said that the people
who brought this
to our attention
better to do with
Tim, talk to your
roommate. Go to
the bank, take out
a loan and buy a
clue. Grab the
Part II. Tim Moore
"Well, guys, aren't you just as bad
as the rest of them if you don't pro
pose any changes?"
You know, you're right.
We're going to run for office.
The Student Congress that says
you can't write people in during run
off (run-on?) elections is the same
Student Congress we mentioned
above. If they don't like it, screw 'em.
Write us in. We dare you. We'll take
votes in any of the categories.
After much consultation with
Mike, our campaign manager, we have
come up with the following platform:
Our first order of business will be,
of course, to change our nickname
from the Tar Heels to the Cylinders.
Instead of Ramses on the sidelines
during football games, we will rent
the Merrill Lynch bull every Satur
day. No more soft drinks at Lenoir
we'll havebeeron tap (Bull, of course).
We'll work on environmental is
sues, too: No more wasted paper,
which, of course, would mean no more
blue books, certainly no more pink
answer sheets, and, if we can help it,
no more exams. While we're at it, no
more eight o'clocks, no more Alumni
Center (it's already mostly built, so
we'll just storm the building and turn
it into a Student Rec Center, com
plete with full bar, surround movie
theater and shuffleboard). AH stu
dents will be required to wear O.P.
corduroy shorts on Tuesdays, but, just
to show we aren't trying to resurrect
some Mussolini-like regime, Wednes
day classes would be optional.
Finally, after we are elected, cam
pus politics will be abolished. After
we get everything established, we're
going to impeach ourselves, and ev
eryone else involved. Once our sched
ule lightens up, the Master Cylinder
Dudes will run every day.
By the next time you hear from us,
of course, we'll know if you elected us.
Remember, just like Arlo Guthrie
said, if two or three people write us in,
it'll be an uprising. If 10 or 20 do it,
it'll be a movement. If hundreds or
thousands do it, it'll be a revolution.
And that's all we're asking for: a revo
lution. ScottGoldandSam Ruff have the full
endorsement of at least one household in
Hillsborough. The Master Cylinder
Dudes will hold office hours from I p.m.
- 2 p.m. Friday in the Pit for further
Campaign fu '92: Clinton not really a bad guy
can't figure out this Bill Clinton
thing. I could figure out Gary
Hart. I knew what happened on
that deal. People weren't that
mad at him for getting a little
nookie on a tour boat. What they
were mad about is he didn't coll that gal
back! I still think the guy could have
been president today if he had just
called her back.
You know what I mean?
"Donna, uh, this is hard for me to
say, but you know, that thing on the
boat last weekend I was really stu
pid. I lied to you. I feel terrible. You're
a wonderful woman. You deserve bet
ter than that. Whatever you dec ide to
do, I could never blame you. I was
This is the speech that works for
me. It would have worked for Gary
Hart. That gal would have vanished.
The Clinton thing is different. First
of all, the man lives in Little Rock. I
have spent a lot of time in Little
Rock. And everybody sleeps with ev
erybody else in Little Rock, especially
in politics. Little Rock is the hammock-hopping
capital of Arkansas.
So don't believe it for a minute
when you read some quote from a
jowly Arkansas journalist claiming
that Clinton is out of line. Don't
forget that this is the state that
spawned Wilbur Mills, who
aardvarked around with the Tidal
Basin Bombshell andsn U got re-elected.
So my first point is. that if Bill
Joe Bob Briggs
Clinton only slept with 17 women
during his marriage, he would still be
on the conservative end of the Little
Rock political scale.
But here's what I don't understand:
1) Are people mad at Clinton be
cause he had an affair, or affairs? He
told everybody he screwed up. His wife
told everybody he screwed up. He
went on "60 Minutes" and practically
said "I did it nine ways from Sunday
with everything that had two legs and
still breathed." So it's gotta be more
than that, right? It was Hart who lied
about an affair, not Clinton.
2) Are people mad because he lied
about when the affair was over?
Three thingsaboutGennifer Flow
ers. First, we're talking about a woman
who doesn't know how to spell "Jen
nifer." Second, get a load of that hair.
Third, can you look at Hilary Clinton
and think she's such a dum-dum that
two months ago, wh ile they were cam
paigning, Bill was diddling with
Gennifer and Hilary thought he was
just "spending a lot of time on the
press plane"? I think we know who
the bimbo is in this picture.
3 ) Are people mad because Clinton
is having sex at all ? Do we really want
a president who doesn't even dunk
4) Are there any marriages in
America that have not been through
some kind of affair, lust, betrayal or,
in Texas, "You're a fat pig and I don't
want to sleep with you anymore" epi
sode? 5 ) Has it ever occurred to anybody
that the only people left in America
who think sexual behavior is a cam
paign issue are reporters?
6) Has it ever occurred to anybody
that the only people not having sex in
America are reporters?
Write if you have answers. I really
want to know this.
Speaking of grotesque genetic
mutat ions with bad dye jobs, The Ter
ror Within 11 stars a couple of veiny
lizard-legged monsters with bloody
hair nets growing out of the side of
their skulls, trying to rape the female
population of the planet Earth to pro
duce even more mucus beasts, and
one of the women they try to rape is ...
Stella Stevens? She of the Jerry
Lewis movies?Stella, the perky blonde
with snow-cone cups under the bra?
Yes, it's the same Stella, because
the movie is directed by her son, the
famous Andrew "Sick Psycho in Love
with Morgan Fairchild" Stevens. Re
member him? From The Seduction?
Well, in this movie he's the hero,
because, after all, with Mom around
and all ...
What we've got here js your basic
with genetic DNA mutants rampag
ing through the countryside, infect
ing the population and hanging
around caves where they can find
virgins to impregnate with their nasty
mutant seed. (Have sex tonight, get
pregnant in the morning, give birth
tomorrow night and by the third
night, you'd better have a good board
ing school in mind or else the thing
chews your head off. It's the whole
joyous experience ofhavingchildren,
compressed into 72 hours.)
Only one man can save the world
Andrew! He's out in the desert,
searching for peyote to make an anti
mutant vaccine. But first he has to
save Clare Hoak from a bloody mon
ster by using a dog whistle, then cross
bow some religious freaks who are
trying to sacrifice Clare tosave them
selves from the AIDS monsters. Well,
as you can see, we've got too much
plot getting in the way of the story, so
I'll just sum it up by saying:
Seventeen dead bodies. Three
breasts. One dead dog. Lizard spear
ing. Mutuant rape. Dagger to the eye.
Aardvarking. Heads roll. Finger rolls.
Cactus fu. Tarantula fu. Drive-In
Academy Award nominations for
Clare Hoak, as the woman in distress,
for saying, "There's nothing wrong
with people needing each other" be
fore she whips herclothes off; Andrew
Stevens, for starring, writing, direct
ing and screaming "push" while his
girlfriend is giving birth to a giant
monster; and Stella Stevens, as the
doctor, for saying, "A mutant sperm
of some sort, forcing its way into the
embryo, fusing it with it, battling for
Two and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
IJ.TLM.MHI'!U J J.U.I I.1JU.I
BarandGril.C i A.
Weaver Dairy Road
Chapel Hill 942-6624