6The Daily Tar HeelFriday, November 20, 1992
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Established in 1893
100th year of editorial freedom
PETER Wallsten, Editor Office horns: Fridays 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.
ANNA GRIFFIN, University Editor ASHLEY FoGLE, Editorial Page Editor
Dana Pope, City Editor Rebecah Moore, State and National Editor
Yl-HSDM CHANG, Features Editor ' Warren Hynes, Sports Editor
ERIN RANDALL, Photography Editor DAVID J. KUPSTAS, SportSaturday Editor
Amy Seeley, Copy Desk Editor David COUNTS, Layout Editor
ALEX De GRAND, Cartoon Editor AMBER NlMOCKS, Omnibus Editor
JOHN CasERTA, Graphics Editor
Clinton appointees? We got em
Change runneth amok in Washington, D.C, these
days. Republicans are getting pink slips and looking
for jobs while Democrats are salivating over all the
new career opportunities that are appearing. President-elect
Clinton will be very busy this spring
making appointments. Fortunately, there are quali
fied people for every position right here in Chapel
Hill. The nominees are:
Doug Ferguson for chairman of the Joint Chiefs
of Staff. Clinton has promised to allow homosexuals
into the military, so he would do well to start at the
top.
Paul Ferguson for secretary of education. A
great deal of controversy has been generated by
students upset that Professor Ferguson was not granted
tenure, but actually he asked to be turned down so
that he would be free to accept this Cabinet post.
Paul Hardin for secretary of defense. For being
sooooooo defensive. ("I am not. That's absurd.")
(Editor's note: How did the chancellor get into our
computers?)
Richard McCormick for chief of staff. He has a
great deal of experience being an underling and
doing all the dirty work. Also, chiefs of staff don't
have to be artistic like chancellors do, so his next
career move is going to have to be lateral.
Michelle Thomas for secretary of state. The
State Department deals in diplomacy and handling
sensitive issue very, very carefully so as not to
alienate or offend anyone. There is no one better
qualified.
Carl Fox for czar of a new Task Force on
Bureaucracy Busting and Red Tape Cutting. Every
one knows government has too many regulations,
restrictions and guidelines and Fox is a pro at elimi
nating guidelines.
John Moody for secretary of interior. Moody
ran as an outsider, so let' s get him back to nature with
parks and wide open spaces. Interior also has domin
ion over the National Zoo, so Moody and Charlie
Higgins (who will, of course, go along with John to
get everything done) can get really cozy with all the
rams there.
S.I.E.R.T.E. (Stop Individual Expression and
Rough up Tenured, Enlightened people.) for ethics
oversight committee of the U.S. Postal Service.
Tracy Keene for secretary of the treasury. With
a little creative book juggling, we can be rid of this
deficit creature, and Uncle Sam's books can't be any
heavier than a stack of Yackety Yacks.
Philip Charles-Pierre for attorney general. Pros
ecute, prosecute, prosecute for the good of the
people, and because it's the law.
Jennifer Lloyd for press secretary. Every presi
dent needs someone around who can talk their way
out of anything.
The Orange County Commissioners for direc
tion of the Federal Aviation Administration. They
know EVERYTHING about airports.
Alan McSurely for secretary of labor. From this
position, he can clear up all sorts of labor disputes
from low wages to discrimination.
Chuck Stone for ambassador to Tahiti. He needs
a vacation, and they need some controversy. A per
fect match.
The Daily Tar Heel editorial board for appoint
ments to the Supreme Court. This amazing collection
of the most enlightened minds of this or any other
century would have this country right (or left) again
in no time. Their judgmental nature is qualification
enough. And their ability to be open-minded and
consider every side of an issue before announcing
what they knew was right (or left) all along would be
an indispensable asset.
Given the qualifications of all the nominees, all
will be right in the world if Clinton makes these
appointments. And, obviously, Armageddon is com
ing soon if he doesn't do what we tell him.
Call the construction company Jesse, we gotta
move that fence around Chapel Hill north of the
Mason-Dixon looks like some of the liberals are
going to escape.
rARHEELDUOTABLES
"We acknowledge that we have to create
new knowledge in order to teach. It is very
difficult to separate or place a greater empha
sis on one or the other.
UNC Board of Governor's member Lois
Britton the balance between teaching and
research in the University's tenure policy.
"We shouldn't insist that rape victims fight
with their assailants. There is absolutely no
reason to hold rape victims to a higher stan
dard than victims of other crimes.'
Orange-Chatham District Attorney
Carl Fox, explaining his modified
definition of consent, as outlined in
amemo Monday.
"The meatloaf shown on Trime Time' that
was supposed to be nine days old is impos
sible. If it were nine days old, it would be
black. Things just don't jive."
Food Lion spokesman Brad Cartner,
defending chain against allegations of
unsanitary meat and deli practices.
"It's not a matter of not being able to find
Native Americans with the necessary educa
tion. They have to seek out those individu
als." Kenric Maynor, Carolina Indian Circle
president, on Native-American
faculty recruitment at UNC.
"A significant percentage of the board is to
be made up of residents. Communication
with people in that area is very important. We
need to have their views."
Chapel Mayor Ken Broun, on the
addition of two public housing residents
to the town's Housing Advisory Board.
"It can serve the Indian-American student
community. Many first- or second-generation
Indian-Americans speak Hindi at home but
cannot read or write it."
Rehgious studies Professor
Joanne Waghome, on the need for
Hindi language courses at UNC.
"They were more along the lines of trying to
scare (my mother) into stopping me from
what I am doing."
Black Awareness Council leader
Tim Smith, describing phone calls
to his parents about his involvement
in the struggle for a free-standing
black cultural center.
"Anyone who thinks a bathroom isn't nec
essary hasn't been caught with a 2-year-old
three blocks from home."
Town resident Harry Watson, on the
need for bathroom facilities at the
proposed North Forest Hills park.
Editorial Policy
The Daily Tar Heel 's editorials are approved by the majority of the editorial board, which is composed of the editor.
editorial page editor and five editorial writers.
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manager.
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Assistant editors: Jackie Hershkowrtz and Kelly Ryan, city; Samantha Falke, copy; Renee Gentry, layout; Jayson Singe, photo; John C. Manuel, Amy McCaffrey, Steve
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Newaclert Kevin Brennan.
Editorial snHtn: Gem Baer, Jacqueline Charles, Alan Martin, Charles Overbeck and Dacia Toll.
University: Daniel Aldrich. Ivan Arrinoton, Thanassis Cambanis. Sheri Chen, Joyce Clark, Tiffany Derby. Melissa Dewey. Casella Foster. Teesha Holladav. Kathleen Keener.
Gautam Khandelwal, James Lewis, Bill Lickert. Chris Lindsey, Sieve Robblee, Chris Robertson, Gary Rosenzweig, Justin Scheef . Brad Short, Peter Sigal and Holfy Stepp.
Crfr I marry Asnhurst, John Asniey, Natnan ursnop. Lean tamprjen, Mane carpenter, uale uastie. Karen Clark. Uebi Cvnn. Hicnard uarton. Matthew Henry. William
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Children's food mascots: Psychosis runs amok
Xanadu is a word I just typed so that
the large first letter of my column
will be an "x," which I bet will
look really weird on this page. I can't
wait to see it.
Ordinarily, when one wants to visit a
lunatic asylum, one is forced to go
through a seemingly endless bureau
cracy and wade through swamps of
tedious paperwork. I am pleased to re
port, however, that we need not be shack
led by such mundane obstacles. I real
ized something the other day that opens
a very viable alternative: To visit a
lunatic asylum, one needs only to ven
ture to the nearest supermarket.
Allow me to explain. A few days ago,
I was in the local Food Lion, the only
place to get my favorite cut of meat:
beef tenderloin with the "Reebok" logo
embossed backwards on it. As I was
waiting for my cuts of meat to come out
of the dishwasher, I decided to browse
the store. Doing so revealed a chilling
fact: An inordinate number of mascots
for children's foods, especially cereals,
have serious psychological disorders.
Scoff if you must, nay-sayers, but
keep in mind that chances are really
good that you're reading this during
some class, and if you scoff in class
everyone's going to look at you, and
you 11 make an ass of yourself. So hear
me out.
Perhaps the most blatant example of
this insane-mascot syndrome is the
Coco-Puffs bird. This bird is simply
insane. Initially, he appears to be a
relatively reasonable, maybe eccentric,
spokesbird for the chocolatey breakfast
treat. However, an obsessive compul
sion lurks within the limited, plumed
confines of the bird's head. The very
product he has been hired to tout is also
the focus of his self-destructive mania.
Whenever the bird encounters Coco
Puffs cereal he, in his own words, "goes
coo-coo for Coco-Puffs." What this
coo-coo" entails is a complete aban
don of the constraints of normal soci
ety. The Coco-Puffs bird flies into a
mad rage at the slightest mention of the
product; he loses contact with reality
and thrashes about maniacally, injuring
himself and anyone unfortunate to be
caught in his violent, feather-strewn
wake. Frequently, he can only be re
strained with the use of a straight jacket.
Further proof of the Coco-Puffs bird s
insanity is physiological in that his eyes
turn into twin spirals, a trait that has
been proven through Carl Jung's re
search to indicate extreme insanity.
The only possible explanation I can
offer for the bird's behavior involves a
rumor that the Coco-Puffs bird worked
Get out of bed and hit
the road for charity
To the editor:
What do most of you do on Sunday
afternoon? Sleep? Clean your room?
Recover from your hangover?
This Sunday, you can do something
different. Granville Towers is holding
its second annual 5K Run for Aware
ness. Race time is at 2 p.m. at Granville
South.
It only costs $10 to register ($12 on
race day), and all proceeds go to the
Orange County Rape Crisis Center.
Entry forms may be picked up from the
information tables at the Union and in
front of the Franklin Street post office
today or from the Granville South desk.
'But I ve never been in a race before
I can't even jog around the block." It
doesn't matter. No athletic ability is
necessary. Walkers are accepted and
encouraged.
Besides, the Orange County Rape
Crisis Center is a worthy benefactor.
The center aids victims of sexual as
sault, gives dozens of community edu
cational presentations and helps to train
Column policy
The DTH welcomes guest col
umn submissions from our readers.
Interested writers should contact
Ashley Fogle at 962-0245.
Please follow these guidelines
when submitting columns: '
Limit columns to 800 words.
All columns should be signed
and typed double-spaced.
ll
Jason
Torchinsky
Turn Your Head
and Cough i l
for the U.S.
Army in the late
'50s and was fed
generous quan
titiesoflysergic acid. The cur
rent spokesman
job was given to
him by the gov
ernment in ex
change for the
promise that he
will not pursue
legal action for
damages incurred to his psyche.
Another highly disturbed individual
is Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch bever
agecompany's spokesmascot. Punchy's
emotional disorder takes the form of an
obsessively performed sadistic game:
He offers an unsuspecting passerby a
Hawaiian Punch, (flavored Red, but
that's another column) but delivers not
the yummy beverage they have come to
expect but rather a fierce blow to the
mouth. Punchy has a real problem. He is
unreasonably hostile towards his fel
low man, a sadism caused by, I believe,
anxiety over his position.
You see, Punchy is the mascot for a
product called Hawaiian Punch. Punchy,
who wears no pants and sports abizarre,
spiky headdress, is not Hawaiian by any
stretch of the imagination. This di
chotomy of actuality and position causes
Punchy a great deal of anxiety, anxiety
that he is not emotionally equipped to
handle. This anxiety is the root of his
sadism.
The fruity kid drink world has an
other, albeit less disturbed, insane mem
ber. The giant Kool-Aid pitcher, whose
constant hunger for attention and overly
accommodating and submissive de
meanor have conspired to cause thou
sands of dollars worth of property dam
age to fences and walls.
The cereal world's mascots read like
a brochure of debilitating emotional
disorders. The Trix Rabbit, for example,
is not only fiercely obsessive of an
impossible goal (the acquisition of Trix
despite his knowledge of the fact that
Trix are designed for human children)
but also is constantly shifting genders
and identities. The Lucky Charms lep
rechaun, Lucky, suffers from an intense
paranoia that his supply of Lucky
Charms is in danger of being appre
hended by the various visitors to his
Irish wonderland. Like some pitiable
character out of Joyce, Lucky spends all
of his waking hours protecting some
thing eminently worthless some
bowls of cereal. He is aware of what his
"treasure" consists of, and even says it
aloud, enumerating the colors and types
of marshmallows contained in the ce
real. The reality that he is so protective
of infinitely reproducible cereal means
nothing to Lucky he is simply inca
pable of accepting such a rational fact.
This is not to say that all animated
cereal mascots are mad; in fact, many
have taken a potentially arduous and
demeaning job and dealt with it in a
professional, mature matter, such as the
Rice Crispie triplets, who also have had
to deal with the constant din peculiar to
their product, and such respected, rea
sonable mascots as Tony the Tiger and
Captain Crunch.
I do not include the Cheerios bee or
the Digum Smacks frog in this list, for
the bee never really treats his associa
tion with the cereal as a job. He never
reveals his true personality. He flies
about, acts cheerful, and that's it. He
goes back to the hive and forgets about
it. The frog, on the other hand, is simply
an animal. He is trained to slap hands
and present the cereal, but really is
incapable of any higher thought about
his job.
Count Chocula and Boo-Berry are
not included in this study because they
are fictional creations, developed by the
cereal company to help sell their prod
uct. Perhaps the saddest spokesperson
mental casualty is the Kraft "Cheese-and-Macaroni"
girl. She too is gripped
by a cruel obsession, one that sounds to
the casual listener to be the pinnacle of
triviality: the order of the words "Maca
roni" and "Cheese" on Kraft's packag
ing of such a product. While other chil
dren her age have been growing up,
exploring new ideas and sensations and
activities, this poor girl has been trapped
by her driving compulsion to reverse
the order of the words on the package of
the easy-to-make dinner treat. Why
something of such insignificance has
commanded the girl's every waking
thought is a question for which science
has no answer. We can only pray that
through medication or shock therapy,
she can hope to lead a normal life,
unconcerned with the word order of
cheap foods.
I realize that the information I have
displayed is shocking, but I present it so
that we may help. Somehow, we must
convince the youth food unions that
madness no longer sells and to stop
corrupting our nation's children with
frightening imagery of frenzied birds.
Solidarity.
Jason Torchinsky is a senior art his
tory major from Greensboro.
m.
1
members of various campus groups in
cluding the Rape Action Project.
Most of the center's funding comes
from private donations and fund-raisers.
So this Sunday, get out of your le
thargic rut and take a jog for a good
cause.
MELINDA MANNING
Junior
Political science
'Us and Them' explores
walls built by differences
To the editor:
We 're building walls ...
When we stereotype, we lay the cor
nerstone. When we develop prejudices, we be
gin the foundation.
When we become phobic about those
who are different from us, we add a row
of rock.
When we close our minds to the beauty
of the mosaic of life, we 're applying the
mortar ...
This weekend, the Lab! Theater asks,
"Why the Wall?"
Beginning Sunday, 1 1 diversely tal
ented undergraduates will perform the
production "Us and Them." It's a show
that realizes we're bound together by
our humanity, yet unique as a result of
our individuality.
Using song, dance and the spoken
word, the three-part production will
spotlight cultural, religious and physi
cal distinctiveness.
It will show how differences can be
beautiful ... or divisive, depending on
how we view them.
Walls don't have to be visible to be
destructive. The cast of "Us and Them"
encourages you to come to the show and
bring your own mental hammer to help
tear down the walls that separate us.
Showtimes are 4 p.m. and 8 p.ml
Sunday and Monday and 5 p.m. Tues
day. Admission is free with a program
picked up in advance. (Reservations for
professors). The Lab! Theater is located
in the basement of Graham Memorial.
WALLYCE TODD, director
Senior
Journalism
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