HOW TO WRITE A COLUMN
Practically everybody is secretly of the opinion that they
can write a newspaper column. The only difference be
tween those who don't write columns and those who do is
those who do have just got more gall than those who don't.
Or, to put it another way, those who don't write columns are
using their heads while those who do merely use a type
writer.
Column writing—this one, anyway—is a very simple
matter. Simple for us due to the fact that we are a very sim
ple person, but it would make us mad for you to say so. And
to show you, in one easy lesson, how we go about gathering
material for all nine of you to
complain about, we'll give an il
lustration:
A few minutes ago we wandered
out to Will Holcomb's Store in
search of a pop, and while stand
ing close to his stove, we heard
Mr. Holcomb talking about chick
ens, making the statement that ht
at one time had a number of fat
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» J
hens stolen. He also stated that
he has a number of bantam hens
over at his place.
While we were there Mr. Hol
comb noticed we had had our hair
fresh cut, and Esker Royall, some
times known as "the little Chink",
wanted to know if we had it cut
in order to save money before the
scheduled rise of a nickel in bar
ber prices here, or words to that
effect.
Now, with that conversation in
mind, here's how our brilliant,
though somewhat tarnished mind,
transfers it to the Gab Bag:
"We've had it on good author
ity that Will Holcomb, head of
the Holcomb Cash Grocery, and
Wee Willie Fu Chong Hand-Rend
ing Laundry, Inc., has had his
hair cut seven times in the past
two days at the old price in or
der to save enough money for one
TWR BLKIN TRIBUNE. BLKIN. NORTH CABOUNA
'
U*Uu>4 tu. fA«4K/iA(Minir
Bpw •Alii we ioixnconung
price Increase.
"It was also learned that Mr.
Holcomb, who keeps a well-stock- |
ed chicken yard at his home, has
two distinct types of chickens, the
big, fat Barred Rock type, and
bantams. Xt was said that Mr.|
Holcomb serves the bantams
whenever company comes for din- j
ner, and dines upon his plump
hens when he Is sure no guests
will drop In. However, to play safe
he always locks the front door
and puts an "OUT" sign in the
front window before beginning his
repast."
By the illustration above you
can readily see that Mr. Holcomb
is not always as black as he is
sometimes painted—and we use
Mr. Holcomb merely as one exam
ple of the art of exaggeration.
SPECIAL BRAND RELIGION
We were reading a letter in the
! People's Column of last week's
I Tribune a few minutes ago which
' was headed "Deplores Modern
Trend," and signed "A Reader,
Cycle. N. C.," in which the writer
spoke highly of the fine sermons
to be heard over the radio and
spoke of hard working, underpaid
county preachers as "a type of
preachers scattered over the coun
try as well as over the working
districts of cities, that do not
know how to preach but think
they do."
The letter also pointed out the
comfort of being able to sit peace
fully at home and listen to a ra
dio sermon without having to
bother getting ready and going to
church in person. This writer also
mentioned' the comfort of not
having a collection plate stuck
inder one's nose with these words:
"You know, it is mighty queer
to a real Bible scholar when he
goes to church and has an usher
ram a collection plate under his
nose. Our churches seem mighty
anxious to make those collec
tions." This thought he followed
up a little later with " . . give us
true gospel of Christ, x x x good
well informed consecrated preach
ers who know how to preach with
out having to be paid for it . . ."
After reading this far in the
letter we sort of got the idea that
the writer, whoever he or she
is, is bound to be a Scotsman
with his own brand of religion.
For, to sum up, he favors sitting
at home by the radio to hear a
sermon so as to save wear and
tear on his clothes, car and dis
position necessary in actually go
ing to church; favors no collec
tion plates "rammed" under his
nose; and wants fine, consecrated
ministers to go about preaching
for nothing. It may possibly have
skipped his mind that preachers,
even that type scattered over the
country who "do not know how
to preach, but think they do," are
sometimes forced to eat a little,
and must also wear clothing of a
sort, and to get something to eat
and something to wear usually
requires that folks, even preach
ers who don't know how to preach
but think they do, have just a
little money about somewhere.
Mixed in the letter also were a
fev remarks about the worthless
ness of such programs as Amos
'n' Andy and Lum an' Abner
"and such stuff like that." While
it may be that "A Reader" doesn't
care for that type program, the
two programs mentioned above
are two of the cleanest to be
heard on the radio today, and sel
dom a night passes that their
characters fail to paint a moral
that is a sermon in itself.
As far as we're concerned we'll
stick to Amos 'n' Andy, Lum an'
Abner, and if we take a notion to
hear a sermon we'll go to the
church and not complain when
the collection plate is "rammed"
under our nose. We'll just look
the other way.
• • •
THIS AND THAT
And now, having delivered our
self of such a blasting discourse
in opposition to the honest opin
ion of somebody else, we'll try and
kill the next hour and a half in
writing a few more paragraphs
necessary to complete our allotted
space for this column.
At this writing Ot Laffoon,
Tribune pressman and inventor,
is in the local hospital, but not
so ill that he has lost his hank
ering for a monkeywrench. Any
day now we expect to go see him
and find him under the bed try
ing to improve on the dinkus that
makes hospital beds hump up in
$39.50
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Slightly *OA
Soiled
TflE EAGLE
ILL. ». ' "
the middle and elevate at the
head.
We shudder to think' what
would happen 11 ot wan to stray
Into the hospital X-ray room and
-get Interested in the X-ray equip
ment. We would like to say here
for the benefit of hospital offi
cials that it will be a swell idea
to lock up all toels and wrenches
while Ot is up there, because that
boy just naturally can't resist
finding out what makes things
work—and it would be unkind to
say that once he has found out
they sometimes don't.
If Ot's listening we're just fool
ing.
DOUBTFUL
Clerk: "My salary is not what
it should be."
Employer: "But do you think
you could live on it if it were?"
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