Page 5-THE NEWS-June/Juiy 1989
Jewish Family Services
Thoughts from Adrienne
By Adrienne Rosenberg, JFS Director
The following letter was
written to an ex-spouse in an
effort to help open the lines
of communication. In the
interest of their children, I
have changed the names to
protect confidentiality.
Dear Bob,
I think you really care
about how Susie and Mi
chelle feel and that you want
them to know you love them,
80 we need to come to an
understanding for the girls'
sakes.
They need and deserve to
know when they will see you
each week — ahead of time
—so that they have a chance
to arrange activities to ac
commodate you, since you
are a priority in their lives.
They want to have a firmly
scheduled time with you, one
which neither they nor you
cancel without advance no
tice. And, please, let me
know directly about your
plans so that the girls won*t
he in the middle, adding
more unnecessary frustra
tion to their lives.
Both girls love both of us
and need both of us. They get
angry and confused if I say
bad things about you —just
as they get angry when you
insult me. Their loyalties are
tom! They shouldin*thave to
deal with our anger! We both
love them and need to make
their lives less stressful. I
think a big step in the right
direction is for us to talk/
discuss/argue on our own —
alone — leaving the girls out
of our problems. They are
still little and should not
have to have such worries.
You and I should be able
— as adults and parents —
to help the girls to love both
of us without feeling guilty
and miserable. I am sure you
are concerned too and want
to have a healthier relation
ship with one another for all
of our sakes.
Joanne
Single parenthood is never
easy, but the role of parent
can be tested in more ways
than one after a separation
and divorce. During this
period, feelings of anger and
hurt about the former spouse
are high. It is frequently
difficult to separate one’s
anger and keep an equal
balance for the children.
Although it sounds good to
say that a divorce is between
parents and not children, it
is not so easy to carry this
out. It is hard not to preju
dice the children about the
ex-spouse when you wish
you could never see him/her
again. It is painful to hear
how much fun your children
are having with their other
parent when you are angry
because he/she is already
dating, for example.
The truth is, however, that
all parents love their child
ren and do not want their
divorce to affect them. Some
of the emotional effect is not
in the parents’ control, for
separation and divorce does
influence all family
members. But studies have
shown that those parents,
who pull together for the
sake of the children, do have
control over helping their
children feel more secure.
This is a time when being for
the “kinder” wiU create pos
itive emotional results al
though it requires sacrifice
on the part of the parents.
I recently came across a
list of do’s and don’ts for
separating parents which I
think may be helpful on this
subject. I’d like to share it
with you:
DO
...Arrange for both parents
to be present when announc
ing an impending separa
tion or divorce.
...Tell your child that you
both love him and that the
divorce is not his fault.
Evening Counseling Hours Added
Jewish Family Services is
pleased to announce that ten
additional counseling hours
have been added to help
meet the demand for servi
ces. Iris Madison, MSW,
staff counselor, is now em
ployed 30 hours to ease the
agency’s waiting list. Part of
these hours will now include
evening counseling hours to
help accommodate working
persons. All counseling fees
are on a sliding fee scale
with insurance payments
arranged if possible.
Iris has extensive family
counseling experience and
training. She has been on
the JFS staff since January,
1988. Her responsibilities
have included counseling,
planning Jewish Family
Life Education programs,
and serving as a consultant
to the JCC’s Mother’s Morn
ing Out program and Tem
ple Israel Preschool.
To make an appointment
with Iris or to inquire about
the services of the agency,
please feel free to call 364-
6594 or 364-6596.
...Listen and be non-judg-
mental when your child dis
cusses the divorce or his
other parent.
...Encourage your child to
maintain a relationship
with both parents.
...Put aside any anger
about your former spouse
when communicating with
your child.
...Seek professional help if
your child isn’t adjusting to
the new situation.
...Encourage your child to
tell his teacher about the
divorce.
...Remember holidays are
stressful and impossible to
be “as they were.”
DONT
...Pump your child for in
formation about your ex
spouse.
...Prejudice your child
against your ex-spouse with
negative comments.
...Brainwash your child
into thinking the other par
ent is totally bad.
...Ignore changes in be
havior that persist for more
than three months after a
separation.
...Try to hide the reasons
for divorce from your chil
dren.
SPECIAL NOTICE
WE ARE LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD-HEARTED PEOPLE
TO VOLUNTEER A COUPLE HOURS ONCE A MONTH
TO DRIVE SENIORS
TO THEIR DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS,
FOR GROCERY SHOPPING, ETC.
CALL JEWISH FAMILY SERVICES FOR DETAILS
364-6594
JFS “Friends Campaign” Begins
Ron Katz and Dr. Marvin
Shapiro, cochairmen, an
nounce that the annual
Friends of Jewish Family
Services Campaign begins
on June 1,1989. The monies
from this campaign ensure
that all those people who
reach out to Jewish Family
Services can be served.
Jewish Family Services is
there for members of the
Jewish community when
needed — when crisis occiurs,
when you don’t know where
to turn, when your parents
move to our area, when your
children need help, when
you just can’t cope, when
seniors need transportation,
when your parents have
difficulty, when drugs or
alcohol interfere, when
you’re alone or think you are,
when there is a question
about commimity services,
when there is illness or
death, when the money just
doesn’t go far enough, when
you are out of work, when
you think no one cares or wiil
help, when you’re going
through divorce, or when
you need support.
The monies given to Jew
ish Family Services by the
Charlotte Jewish Federa
tion, the fees collected, and
the donations made go a
long way, but not far
enough. That is why addi
tional monies from the
Friends Campaign are ne
cessary. Your support will
allow the agency to continue
providing the high level of
service that you or a member
of your family may need and
already expect.
A community mailing has
gone out explaining the
needs of the agency. Staying
a “Friend” or becoming a
“Friend” will strengthen our
ability to help individuals
and families who need us.
Patronize Our
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