The Charlotte Jewish News - August 2000 - Page 18
Back to School
What to Do if Your Child is Unhappy at School
By Rebecca E. Kotkin
Studying and learning have
always been cornerstones of
Jewish values. As the “people of
the book,” Jewish families have
always placed great emphasis on
education and encouraged their
children’s success in school. As a
result, Jewish parents are very
concerned their child appears
reluctant to go to school or unhap
py while there.
While many kids sometimes
grumble about their day, if your
child routinely seems anxious
about school or reluctantly boards
the bus each morning, there are
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steps you can take to help her
adjust to classroom challenges.
Although situations frequently
resolve themselves without
parental intervention, attention to
the problem may get your child in
a more positive frame of mind
sooner rather than later.
First talk to your child. Even if
your daughter does not volunteer
information, gentle probing may
help isolate the cause of the prob
lem. Ask specific questions such
as “Can you tell me what it is like
to ride the bus?”, “Who do you
play with at recess?” or “Do any
of the children exclude others dur
ing free time?” The more concrete
you can be with your queries, the
more you are likely to get to the
bottom of the problem. If your son
grumbles about a particular sub
ject, ask directly “What is it you
don’t like about math?” If his
answers seem vague, keep explor
ing. Suggest a number of possibil
ities from which he can choose:
“Is it that you have too many
problems to answer without a
break?” or “Is it that the other
children finish their work before
you do?” Although it may seem
like a fishing expedition, eventu
ally most children will reveal
something that can explain their
unhappiness.
If your child refuses to sit and
talk about school, try engaging her
in another activity to help her
relax. School psychologist
Beverly Albert suggests sitting
and drawing with your child.
“Most children like to color. As
they work, they tend to relax. You
can frequently get them to talk
about different things about
school that way.” As your child is
designing a picture, casually ask
her what about school bothers her.
Start with vague and general ques
tions such as “What do you like
most about school?” or “>^at was
the hardest part of your day,
today?” Gradually become more
specific. Listen for clues that you
are close to the problem. These
may range from a raised or low
ered voice or teary eyes to a hasty
change of subject: each child is
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different, but you will probably
notice if you have stmck a nerve.
If your child hesitates or says she
doesn’t want to talk about a partic
ular issue, change the subject and
then lead the conversation back to
what you think is bothering him. If
you are suspicious when your
child insists a situation does not
disturb her, ask if “any of the kids”
or “the other girls” are upset about
it. It may be easier for her to admit
the problem if it seems less per
son^.
Another way to draw out the
issues is to try role playing with
your child. Offer to play the part
of a student or teacher and encour
age your child to direct the scene
to mimic actual classroom dynam
ics. Challenge your child to treat
you as he feels treated in class.
Puppet play is another option; it
gives your child the opportunity to
take multiple roles and demon
strate soci^ interplay within the
classroom. “A lot of stuff comes
out in puppet play,” says Albert.
Interchange roles with your child
and you can get incredible infor
mation. You can steer it in any
direction you want and keep
exploring.”
Although many parents hesitate
to call the school, the next step is
to talk to the teacher. Compare
your observations to those of the
teacher to find out if your son is
really happier in school than you
suspect. Children may exaggerate
school problems when they are
really just interested in more
parental attention or just reluctant
to separate from their mother or
father in the morning. Arrange to
observe your child in as many
school settings as is practical: in
the classroom, at physical educa
tion, in the lunchroom, or at
recess. Ideally, your child should
not realize you are watching. Ask
if you can spy on the playground
from a classroom window; view
the class in progress from the hall
or the gym from an outside door.
When you see her laughing with
her friends or engaged in class
room discussion, you may discov
er she is more happy and adjusted
than she lets on.
If your child insists that the
problem is the teacher, do not
immediately discount his com
ments. There may be a personality
conflict or the pairing of your
child with that teacher may not be
ideal. Since most schools will not
switch a class assignment, there
may be little you can do to change
the arrangement; but, you can help
your child cope. Explain to your
son that he can learn from every
relationship and that you under
stand how he feels. Encourage
him to look for the good in his day
with comments like “Well, you do
enjoy the reading group and Mrs.
Smith’s science lessons are inter
esting to you.” Children are gener
ally very resilient and can accept
an imperfect situation and make
the best of it. Most important for
your child is that he understand
that you believe him and respect
his assessment of the situation,
even if you cannot change it.
Reassure your child that she
can discuss with you any school
problems and that you will try to
help. Clarify your own expecta
tions for your child. He may be
reacting to pressure he perceives
coming from his parents. Share
stories of how you managed
school dilemmas as a student.
Describe the time you thought
your teacher hated you but you
later learned that you were among
her favorites. If you cannot get
any information from your child
and the situation does not
improve, talk to the teacher or
consult the school psychologist.
Explain that your child is unhappy
at school and ask that they observe
him. Don’t ignore signs of unhap
piness. The school year is long;
you want it to be as positive an
experience as possible so your
child can develop the love of
learning that Jewish people have
long shared. ^
Rebecca E. Kotkin is an attor
ney and the mother of twin daugh
ters and a son. She is a contribut
ing editor to JBooks.com. Article
reprinted from jewishfamily.com.
Supreme Court Decision Applauded by
Jewish Community
AVI CHAVs Amicus Brief Spearheaded Courtis Decision
In June, when the Supreme
Court passed down their ruling
enabling government money to be
used to provide computers and
other secular materials for reli
gious schools, it was hailed by
advocates for Jewish Day Schools
as a victory.
Among those advocates is a
group called AVI CHAI, which
operates in both the US and in
Israel. The AVI CHAI foundation
is a private foundation established
and endowed by the late Zalman
C. Bernstein in 1984. AVI CHAI
has two basic goals: to encourage
Jews in the US and Israel to
become more deeply involved
with Jewish learning and obser
vance; and to promote mutual
understanding and sensitivity
among Jews of different back
grounds.
In North America, one of their
primary efforts has been to
encourage the growing Jewish
Day School movement. They have
supported, among other things,
grants to assist in marketing new
high schools, interest-free loans
for improving facilities, advanced
training for educational leaders,
and special programs to help Day
School newcomers catch up with
the Jewish know-how of their
peers. They provide start-up
Jewish libraries for students trans
ferring to Jewish high schools, and
are testing innovative ways of
reducing the costs of Jewish
schooling.
One such innovation was an
experimental program that they
tested in Atlanta and Cleveland.
The question they wanted to
answer: Does lack of money pre
vent families from sending their
children to Jewish schools? For
two years, AVI CHAI awarded
(Continued on page 29)
Not yet! Not yet!
A Mom’s View of Back to School
By Erica Meyer Rauzin
Someone isn’t ready to go back
to school.
Someone doesn’t want to quit
buying camping supplies and start
buying school supplies.
Someone doesn’t want to go
back to bedtimes and lunch bags
and early breakfasts and carpools.
Someone isn’t prepared for
schedules, stiff clothes, and the
work week routines.
It’s not the fourth grader: he’s
ready to see his friends.
It’s not the eighth grader: she’s
excited about the junior varsity
volleyball team.
It’s not the eleventh grader:
she’s glad not to be a sophomore
anymore, and she’s about to get
her driver’s license.
It’s me.
Don’t tell the kids, but I’m not
ready. I’m not even interested. I
need another couple of weeks, at
least, of summer life. I’m not
through with sleeping late and
staying up for midnight movies.
I’m not fini-hcd being outdoors
and wearing denim and eating ice
cream for lunch. I know that back
to school is inevitable, even wor
thy, and I’ll get there, but I’m not
there yet.
Can I just skip from this week
to Rosh Hashana? Please? Can I
omit the back to school gearing-up
process? I’d like a hall pass, okay?
Just throw me another week
without homework and class pro
jects. Give me another peaceful
Shabbat or two, without school
deadlines or the kids’ “drive me to
the movies” social demands
pouncing on me at the instant of
Havdallah. I haven’t recovered
from the last school year yet, and
—duck! —here comes the new
one.
I know that academicians
understand that back-to-school is
a big adjustment. Suddenly, they
arc sitting down instead of run
ning around; they are dressed up
each day; they are laden with
books and papers; they aren’t
free to travel, picnic and party
anymore J«nd that’s just the
teachers.
I’m reminded of the old joke
about the mother standing over
her son’s bed insisting: “Roger,
you have to get up and go to
school. It’s the first day. You have
new clothes to wear. They expect
you,” And Roger mumbles, “Give
me just one reason I have to go.”
And Mom answers, “Because
you’re the principal.”
Well, because I’m the Mom, I’ll
keep my reluctance to surrender
summer to myself As far as the
children know, I just can’t wait to
get out there in the fray, to stand in
line at the school uniform store, to
regain my status as carpool queen,
to help with algebra homework
and science projects involving
bugs and caterpillars, to wake
them up when they (and I) would
rather be sleeping, and to do it all
with some sense that they (and 1}
should be getting some joy from it
... maybe not the joy of summer,
but certainly the joy of learning
and of accomplishment.
So, parents, unite. It’s time for
poster board, bags under the eyes,
soccer balls under the seat, and
homework after every meal. Get
ready, get set, get going. You have
»K4h?ng to lose but your tan. 0