PAGE 8 Q-Notes ■ February 1990
Adult Children of Alcoholics Often Confused
By Barbara Kaplan, MHDL
Reprinted from Lambda Connection
It is my experience that it is not uncom
mon for an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA)
to enter therapy with his/her partner with
concerns about their immediate relationship.
The ACOA may feel confused, have a feel
ing of being different from others, need
constant approval, and exercise rigid control
over oneself and others. She/he may judge
oneself too harshly, be impulsive, compul
sive, irresponsible, or super responsible, and
be loyal to others when it is not deserved.
Depression and feelings of impending doom
may be present as well as an overwhelming
fear of abandonment.
Many ACOA are not aware that these
characteristics are common for the child who
was raised in a family where alcoholism was
present, whether or not the alcoholic was
violent when drinking. Alcoholism is a family
disease. The family members do not have to
be alcoholic or drink at all to be affected by
the disease.
The alcoholic family is a dysfunctional
system. The environment is clearly out of the
range of what is considered normal. Chaos,
violence, constant stress and denial are part
of the system. Many people are familiar with
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a problem
seen in a number of Viet Nam veterans. The
symptoms these people experience are simi
lar to the characteristics of ACOAs.
People who are raised in this dysfunc
tional system simply do not know what nor
mal is. They guess! They do not know what
others know. And to complicate matters, the
guessing is usually kept a secret from others.
There are over 26 million ACOA. Many
are not aware that they were raised with the
disease. Others acknowledge alcoholism but
are not aware of the consequences. The child
grows up, leaves home, but simply does not
connect the turmoil in their present adult
primary relationship with the hurt and pain of
their earlier family system. It’s fairly com
mon for people to think that the disease is left
behind or because the booze stopped, the
disease was cured — over and done with.
This does not happen. And it is evidedf in
repeated failed relationships. Intimacy re
quires the sharing of thoughts and feelings.
For the ACOA, she/he learns at an early
age to hide and deny feelings and not to trust
one’s own perceptions and thoughts. Three
rules for alcoholic families seem to be: don’t
trust, don’t feel, don’t talk.
Although ACOA are affected by their
past, as we all are, it is not necessary to be
victims. We have a choice. Understanding
the disease is a beginning. ACOA can work
through their pain, fears and hurts.
Barbara E. Kaplan, MHDL, a psycho
therapist, is in private practice in North and
South Carolina. She holds a dual license in
South Carolina as a Marriage and Family
Therapist and as a Professional Counselor.
SOMETIMES, DON'T YOU WISH YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT AIDS?
All Neiy, Just For
New Chef — New Menu
and
New Wine List
" .
AIDS isn't something we can wish away. And safer sex isn't just
for some of the time. Protecting ourselves and those we love
means thinking about what we do and using condoms every time,
WISHING CAN'T PREVENT AIDS. CONDOMS CAN.
map
Metrolina AIDS Project
Hotline - 333-2437 Office 333-1435
Valentines Da/
Dinner (Specials for Two
Call For Reservations Now
(Sundays
Brunch From 11:00 - 3:00
Bloody Maiys, Mimosa, and Champagne $1.50
Now Open
5:00 DM. unUl
Monday-^aturday
Upstairs or Down 5:00 - Close:
(Steamed Clams. $6.25 dz.
or (Steamed Oysters $6.95 dz.
Acceptin5 Applications For: PartUme Experienced Cook
WaitstafF No Phone Calls Please ■
Liaisons
316 Rensselaer Avenue
Charlotte, NC
(704) 376-1617