November 1991
PAGE 13 Q-Notes
The Soft Spot
A lesbian viewpoint on ourselves
By Ann Michele
Hello Again! I want to start out by saying
a giant-sized "Thank you" to Dan Kirsch and
Tonda Taylor for putting together "Our Fam
ily Celebration." That event was a dream
come true for many of us. When I think back
ten years ago to what Charlotte's community
was like — afraid even among ourselves,
meeting in smoky dark bars—to Dana Audi
torium, October 12, 1991 — house hghts
turned up, 800 people linking arms, singing
and swaying to United We Stand. God, what
a feeling!
To have the kind of vision that Torida and
Dan had, to put together a program of that
magnitude, was a herculean effort. I think the
whole community owes them a real debt
because this was an important breakthrough
forus. We hadan eventatamajorauditorium,
the whole town knew about it, yet we didn't
get picketed, nobody came out to call us
queer, the media didn't cover it, and, best of
all, the world didn't fall down around us
because we gathered together. I think it's time
for us to realize that in the Gay 90's, the only
thing stopping us is us.
Cutting The Emotional Bonds
Seems like in the past four or five months,
a lot of relationships have broken up, espe
cially in the women's community. So there's
a lot of single women running around right
now — it's great if you're looking for some
one to go to dinner with, or to go see a movie.
But there's also a lot of people who are hurting
right now and some are probably having
trouble letting go emotionally.
One of the things that's difficult for us is
that we become close friends with our lovers.
When relationships break up, we're often
reluctant to lose the friendship in addition to
the loss of a love. So we cling to it, however
painful it may be.
Some years ago, a therapist told me that
when a relationship ends, backing off from
the friendship also would speed the heaUng
process. Well, I had my own ideas. I said,
"Phooey, it may take longer to heal, but in the
end I'll be richer for having kept the friend
ship." Looking back on that period now, I
don't regret what I did, but my experience
helped me to understand the wisdom of his
advice.
My feeling is that when two people date
and become intimate, they form an emotional
bond that's different from the bonds between
people who have always just been friends.
The emotional bond is a very strong one, yet
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A Big Thanks To Dan & Tonda;
Healing From Broken Relationships
it's very sensitive. Feelings play on those
bonds like a little mouse running up and down
the keyboard.
In order to heal and get on with your life,
somehow the emotional bond has to be sev
ered. There's lots of ways to do that; some are
healthier than others: you can distance your
self completely, you can maintain a casual
friendship, you can run to another lover im
mediately, or you can do nothing and just let
a long period of time elapse (commonly called
an eternity) while the bonds slowly wither.
I think the important thing to recognize is
that cutting the emotional bonds is something
you're doing for yourself, but it's NOT against
anyone else. It's not a revenge type action —
"If I can't have you as a lover, I don't want you
at all"; it's not even an angry gesture — "Go
away, I don't want you in my life." It's iust a
part of the breaking up process and some
times it's the hardest to do because to sever the
emotional bond means you're really willing
to let go of this person. It means you're ready
to let go of them in your thoughts, in your
dreams and as the first person you called with
some exciting bit of news, or some crisis.
There is a happy ending to all this: break
ing the emotion^ bond will cause a change in
the friendship. But it doesn't mean you've lost
it forever. You're just moving it to a healthier
place for both of you — a friendship devoid
of unnecess^ emotional attachments but
one filled with acceptance, forgiveness and
unconditional love.
With the holidays coming, the feelings of
hurt and being alone can really magnify them
selves. It's necessary not to let those feelings
completely overwhelm you. Take the oppor
tunity of being single to do some things you
might not do if you were still in a relationship.
Go do some stuff with other singles. Don't go
out with other couples all the time — it can
make you feel all the more lonesome when
everyone else has a partner to go home with
and you go home by yourself. Don't forget, no
matter where you go or what you do, if you
become uncomfortable for some reason, you
can always do a Yogi Bear — "Exit stage left.
Boo Boo." In other words, leave.
Despite periods of sadness or loss, we all
have a lot to be thankful for this year. Person
ally, I'm thankful for the evolution of our
community and the appearance of individu
als who are leading us to more acceptance of
ourselves. I'm also thankful for family and
friends, especially a close friend who had a
serious encounter with cancer this year.
Take care. See you soon.
Continued from page 1
She covered the presently announced can
didates for the state Senate and House races,
the presidential election, and the party con
ventions slated for Houston (Republican) and
New York City (Democratic).
Carter inquired about the Charlotte-area
community’s interest in possibly hosting Gay
Pride in ‘94 (referring to the idea that the
annual event will be held outside the triangle
area on “even” years, with ‘92 to be held in
Asheville).
She then extended an invitation to Char
lotte-area people to advise and attend the 1st
Annual Lesbian and Gay Political Conven
tion in Raleigh in October 1992.
On the subject of education, Mandy pre
sented the opportunity to take “NC General
Assembly 101” by attending the “short ses
sion” of the General Assembly as a way to
learn how to monitor our legislators in prepa
ration for the “long session” in ‘93; to meet
our legislators; and to make ourselves known
as a viable and visible gay and lesbian contin
gent.
Prime statewide events on the 1993 calen
dar include the aforementioned “long ses
sion” of the NC General Assembly; the 2nd
Annual Lesbian and Gay Political Conven
tion; and the Pride ‘93 March in Raleigh.
April 25 marks the date for the 1993 Na
tional March on Washington for Lesbian and
Gay Rights. Carter is hoping the state can
send a contingent of five thousand.
In 1994 New York City plays host to both
Gay Games IV, June 25-July 4; and Stone
wall 25 March and Rally, June 25 & 26. For
these events Carter talked about forming
“Team North Carolina” for various sports
competition in Gay Games IV, and a state
contingent for the Stonewall anniversary cel
ebration.
1995 brings the 10th Annual Pride March
in Raleigh, and 1996 sees House, Senate, and
Presidential elections.
Mandy Carter’s overview presentation of
these activities was comprehensive and en
lightening. She distributed a flyer outlining
these events which also included a form to fill
out and pledge one’s funds, time and energy.
Carter took questions, offered possible
solutions, and shared a dialogue with those in
attendance, clarifying purpose, strategies
and objectives of the various organizations.
Thanks to Mandy’s great “stand-up” style,
the evening was not without its share of
laughs. Carter reminded us of Jesse Helm’s
political agenda and eluded to an increasing
erosion of his Capital Hill clout. Mandy
brought her talk to a close, but stayed to listen
to currentFirst Tuesday business. Afterwards,
she spoke individually with people, continu
ing to rally support for the work ahead.
Mandy Carter is a most articulate and
winning activist, a fine leader and very rich
resource for the state gay and lesbian commu
nity.
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