PAGE 12 Q-Notes T April 1994
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Coming out in the Spring
by Elisabeth Tate
Q-Notes Staff
This is my favorite time of year. I enjoy
summer, but it is usually too humid forme to
really love it. Autumn is beautiful, cooler,
less humid for me to really love it. But it is
also more likely to have things like hurri
canes and lots of rainy days. Winter, even in
this temperate clime, lacks color, although it
certainly has a beauty all its own. I love
spring—^all the flowers and trees, the Bradford
pears, the daffodils, the camellias and silver
bells, the wonderful warm days delightfully
cool nights. Granted, there is still is a good
bit of rain to be expected, but somehow it
feels Ufe-giving and nurturing to me, as
opposed to the cold and unyielding rains of
fall.
I have been fortunate the last two years to
be working part-time in landscaping. It is
hard work, but I love being out in the beau
tiful weather, enjoying the sunshine and
helping plants and yards get a healthy start on
the long summer ^ead. I lose a few pounds
from the exercise, toning up and not eating as
often, and I once again make fiiends with the
world aroimd me. It is not a mindless job—
pruning and planting must be done the right
way in order to benefit the plants—and yet it
gives me time and energy to reflect upon my
life and living.
My birthday is this month, so I suppose it
has me engaging in more reflection than
usual. I am not freaked out by birthdays, as
some people are, but I do want more from
them now. I use t^em as markers, points
along the way that measure my progress. I
don’t find it as helpful if I try to measure the
success of my life by what I achieve at what
age, but rather where I find myself as a
person that is more important to me right
now.
When I do engage in this kind of contem
plation, I try to do so as honestly as I can,
allowing myself recognition of my positive
aspects as well as definition of my growing
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edges. I don’t always like what I see, but if
and when I see it, it is the starting point for
effecting change.
I also try not to do such self-examination
alone. Growth doesn’t take place in a vacu
um. I seek out friends who are willing to be
honest with me, who will speak the truth in
love and call me to task when the need arises.
It is seldom an easy process, but as the old
adage says, “No pain; no gain.”
In observing the lives of others around
me, I often recognize how true that saying
can be. I rarely find a person with depth and
wisdom who has not encountered some sig
nificant pain in her life. That pain might be
a result of a family history of abuse-chemi
cal, emotional, physical or sexual. It may
spring from the death of aparent, a sibling or
a spouse. It may be the evidence of an
ongoing struggle with illness, or encounters
with other personal tragedies.
Certainly the potential is there for consid
erable pain in the exploration of one’s sexual
orientation and affectional preferences. The
decision that one is lesbian or gay is certainly
not one to be made lightly, but for most there
is no choice in the matter. The choice is
usually centered on how one’s affections
will be expressed and with whom. The pain
comes in when decisions are made regarding
how “out” one chooses to be,and with whom
one chooses to be openly gay or lesbian.
I have had many late-night discussions
with other gay, lesbian and bisexual friends,
discussions about coming out—to oiu^lves,
to our fnends, to our family members, to our
co-workers; discussions about reactions,
about rejection and acceptance. And even in
the most positive, affirming, accepting situ
ation, there is always pain tinting the picture.
Why does it have to matter? Why do we need
coming out? Why can’t we just love the
person, no matter what gender they happen
to be?
Coming out, and my own level of being
out, is a question that I have struggled with.
Generally, I have tended to be more on the
cautious side, although there are those who
might disagree. Writing a monthly column
for a gay newspaper and using my name is
not exactly closeted. At the same time, I do
remain faceless to most of you. I live with my
own parcel of pain, my own set of potentid
losses, and I choose to make the most posi
tive impact I can upon the life I have and the
world in which I live.
Soon it will be June, and the North Caro
lina Pride March will be held here in Char
lotte. There are many who will be reluctant
to attend, even to watch the parade, out of
fear that someone will recognize them. It is
much easier to send some anonymous mon
ey, to nod over the newspaper report or
television news coverage. And yet, even that
much may be what plants the seed of coming
out.
It is true that an oppressed group cannot
simply walk up to the oppressor and say,
“Please give me my freedom now.” Afncan-
Americans are still fighting for what is truly;
theirs. Our own struggle is likewise very
young. We often find courage in unlikely
places, places which we didn’t remember
existed. Just as our pain can bring us wis
dom, our fear can bring us courage.
p e. k\d e nee
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