PAGE 12 ▼ Q-Notes ▼ September 6, 1997
The true meaning of marriage became clear after my own ceremony
by the Reverend Christine Leslie
Special to Q-Notes
On October 7, 1995, my partner, the Rev.
Martha Dyson, and I made a covenant to be
each other’s life-long companion in a wonder
ful Service of Commitment and Celebration at
Church of the Redeemer Episcopal in
Morristown, NJ. We were surrounded by 200
people that included most of our immediate
families, and many, many wonderful friends.
Asking The Holy One, and our friends and fem-
ily, to be with us and bless us as we publicly
promised to love and live with each other for
the rest of our lives, helped me to understand
just why straight people make such a big fuss
about getting married. Yes, as I stood on those
sanctuary steps that day, I realized there are
some amazing benefits that come from cross
ing the threshold of public commitment with
one’s beloved in the presence of family, friends
and The Holy One.
Now given I have officiated at many com
mitment ceremonies, straight and gay, through
out my 20 years in the ministry, I found all of
this somewhat ironic. Prior to my own experi
ence, I supported many a couple’s decision to
commit publicly to one another and officiated
at their services. However, I just didn’t know
personally about the depth and breadth of
meaning, tenderness, fiin and holiness possible
in my love for Martha until I publicly commit
ted to her and she to me.
Thank goodness we were making headway
in our culture in general with the rising accep
tance of gay and lesbian people as people, so
that such ceremonies of covenanting and com
mitment can, and do, take place for gay and
lesbian couples who want them. Many gay and
lesbian people believe, as do Martha and I, that
the benefits of such public covenanting are real
even though gay and lesbian couples cannot yet
access the 352 legal and economic benefits avail
able to straight couples who marry.
In fact, the growing number of gay and les
bian couples who want to have services of com
mitment under the present circumstances at
tests to the benefits that are emotional/mental,
social and spiritual in nature. These are the
benefits that infuse our public vow-making with
much of what makes them matter so much to
us anyway. (This is not to say that the refusal
to grant gay and lesbian couples the legal and
economic benefits available to straight couples
at this time is acceptable or just and not worth
fighting for. They are!)
When gay and lesbian couples publicly
promise to love and live together for the rest of
their lives, the emotional and mental benefits
can blossom and grow. It begins with the out
pouring of love and support from people in
attendance who love us and who believe in the
rightness and goodness of our relationships.
Their presence, love and support mirrors and
validates our own thoughts and feelings about
When gay and lesbian couples publicly
promise to love and live together for
the rest of their lives, the emotional and
mental benefits can blossom and grow.
the rightness and goodness of our relationships,
and of ourselves as gay and lesbian people. For
instance, when Martha and I entered that beau
tiful sanctuary and saw so many of the people
we know and love there with us, our love and
regard for each other and our own belief in the
rightness and goodness of our relationship was
widened, deepened and strengthened. What
an amazing gift to us on which we have con
tinued to build our life and love together. What
a loss for us had we not had such a wonderful
commitment service!
When gay and lesbian couples publicly
promise to love and live together for the rest of
their lives, the social benefits become evident,
too. Every time a gay or lesbian couple chooses
to commit publicly to one another, we are help
ing our straight friends and family, as well as
ourselves, to experience a wider, healthier un
derstanding of human sexuality, love and com
mitment. We are also chipping away at society’s
homophobia one commitment service at a time.
Most of all, we are helping to free others and
ourselves from narrow and oppressive defini
tions of marriage that limit its purpose, power.
function and benefits and only serve to dimin
ish us all.
When it comes to gay and lesbian people
being open and honest about our lives, I be
lieve that “normal is as normal does,” because
that which is normative, and therefore normal,
in any society only becomes so when the ma
jority of people accept, support and practice
certain attitudes and actions. It seems to me
that the more gay and lesbian couples who
marry publicly, the less our relationships will
be thought unacceptable, abnormal and per
verted regardless of the laws of this land. In
fact, I wish I had a $100 for every one who
told me how touched and moved they were to
have attended our
commitment ser
vice. (We could
have gone on a
honeymoon!) And
these were sup
portive and on
board people who,
I am sure, went on
from there to tell their friends and co-workers
about this amazing lesbian wedding they at
tended. The ripple effect of good news worth
telling is how we are going to help many straight
people change their hearts and minds about us.
It was especially meaningful to me that my two
youngest brothers brought their spouses and
all of their children to our service, none of the
children having ever attended any kind of wed
ding or commitment service prior to ours. I
will cherish forever the joy of dancing with my
10-year-old nephew, Kevin, who asked “Are all
weddings this much fun. Aunt Chris?” I told
him the ones that have dancing at the party
afterwards are, and he just beamed.
I also believe the more we do this the more
likely we will prevail in getting the marri^e
laws changed in our country. Can you imag
ine what could happen in this country, and to
our legal system, and ultimately to our mar
riage laws, if thousands upon thousands of gay
and lesbian couples began requesting marriage
licenses and suing when refused? We could have
a grassroots legal revolution the likes of which
this country has never seen. The powers that
be might just change the laws to get us off their
backs! ^O^at a delightful thought!
When gay and lesbian couples publicly
promise to love and live together for the rest of
their lives, spiritual benefits, or those things that
stretch, deepen and strengthen our experience
of The Holy One, flourish, too. Experiencing
The Holy One’s presence in our services of com
mitment is important to our healing and well
being because of all of the negative, hateful,
homophobic teachings of many faith traditions
that have told gay and lesbian people we are
abominations in the sight of God. It was very
meaningful and comforting to Martha and me
to realize and acknowledge that The Holy One
was with us, reassuring us every step of the way
that we’re not alone in this service or in our
day-to-day lives.
When invited to be present. The Holy One
is with us: supporting, loving, blessing, guid
ing and believing in us, and the goodness and
righmess of our relationships. If this were not
so, where on earth would we get the strength
and courage to love one another, much less have
such public ceremonies, in a world filled with
narrow-minded, mean-spirited homophobes?
Surely The Holy One cannot be about such
hatred and bigotry. It’s just not in Her makeup.
However, it is in the makeup of many people
who make God in their own image. These are
the very same people who would not have us
be firm in our faith in ourselves or our belief in
The Holy One who made us in Her image for
loving and being loved.
It is no small accomplishment for gay and
lesbian couples to make public covenants in
services of commitment and celebration. For
each time another gay or lesbian couple vows
to have and to hold, in plenty and in want, in
joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health —
to love, honor and cherish their beloved until
death parts them, our feith in ourselves, each
other, and The Holy One matters just a bit more
and so does marriage. ▼
[Rev. Christine Leslie, thefirst openly ordained
lesbian in the Christian Church (Disciples of
Christ), is founder and director of Triangle Min
istries, A Center For Lesbian & Gay Spiritual
Development near Burlington, VT\
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