PAGE 22 ▼ Q-Notes ▼ September 30, 2000
anatomically
incorrect
Looking for others
by Ronda Shouse
Special to Q-Notes
[Ed. Note: This column details the life experi
ence and struggles of one Charlotte transsexual
Some content may be uncomfortably graphic for
some readers.]
Once I began reading Melanie Ann Phillips
biography, I quickly began to realize that I was
not alone in this situation [of being
transgenderedj. But who were the others?
Where were they? How was I going to meet or
talk to someone? I had just turned 52 and felt
that I was maybe just too old to do anything
and I would be facing a life as I was without
ever being my true self.
Having been a regular web surfer and a user
of AOL, 1 knew I could place an online ad and
I did. I then wrote an email to Dr. Ann
Lawrence. It was her web site that I had first
found. Even though she had a notice posted
that she did not take email questions, I wrote
to her anyway and titled my letter “HELP.”
Surprisingly she responded back within 24
hours,and it was to be a major boost for my
spirits and a change in my thoughts. She ex
plained that what 1 was experiencing was not
that uncommon. Baby boomers who had re
pressed their feelings all their lives were discov
ering the truth through the Internet. She ex
plained that transitioning at my age was not
unusual at all. She went on to say that it was
being done by people in their 40s, 50s and even
in their 60s.
I received several responses to my AOL ad.
Quickly, I found out that most were sexual
predators. However, two responses were from
very sincere women who were themselves in the
process of doing what I needed to do. We be
gan to share email with one another. They were
both very interested in giving me all the facts
that I needed to know and neither one ever
made suggestions to convince me that this was
the thing to do. In fact, they both asked over
and over if I was sure about this. They reminded
me that this was a life-altering decision and I
should be absolutely positive. The repercussions
of my decisions would affect many people be
sides myself Once they realized my sincerity
they both began to offer me help and assistance.
One went even further. Gina asked to meet me
so we could talk about this face-to-face.
By this time, my ex and I were arguing on a
frequent, almost daily, basis. Life was becom
ing more and more difficult for me emotion
ally. I called Gina on my cell phone and we
agreed to meet at a public park.
We took a long, slow walk and Gina told
me about her marriage and how it had failed
due to her transitioning. She answered all my
questions openly and honestly. After a couple
ofhours, we said good-bye. I have not seen Gina
since, but I have exchanged email with her. I
do not know much about what has happened
to her, but I do know that she has been to Thai
land and had reassignment surgery. Mutual
friends say she is doing very well now and is
quite happy in her new life.
The other girl who wrote to me was B. (I
will not divulge any more about her identity to
secure her privacy.) She and I have become good
friends. B was very supportive during those ini
tial days and weeks, especially as my marriage
self-destructed very rapidly in front of our eyes.
B suggested that I attend a support group for
crossdressers known as Kappa Beta. They are a
subsidiary ofTRI ESS (Society for Second Self).
That event turned out to a real “bummer.”
The psychiatrist I was seeing had told me that
before he could or would even begin to make a
diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, I had to start
dressing as a woman. I had not done that in
nearly 30 years. Now, here I was single again
and it seemed like a good idea. I called the group
leader and agreed to attend their next meeting
in Charlotte. I was looking forward to it. B had
been telling me that she had made many friends
there. But she warned me not to say anything
about being a transsexual, as this group vvas
supposed to be for “heterosexual crossdressers”
only, and they did not want to upset spouses or
significant others. I have since learned that the
membership nationwide includes many gay
men who enjoy dressing up and many trans
sexuals.
I had gone to the store and purchased
makeup and was now ready to go to the meet
ing. Having never before applied makeup, I had
to have help from someone who knew what
they were doing. One of the groups members
was supposed to be very good at this and agreed
to do a makeover for me. When I looked in the
mirror I looked like a clown. Of course, when
you have never seen yourself made up before,
it is going to be a shock; but this went beyond
shock. I went ahead and attended the meeting
and the dinner. B was there to support me and
ease my nervousness. After dinner and the meet
ing, B and I went with two other members to
Oleens for the evening. I ended up having a
great time with B. We are still in touch on a
regular basis and she still attends the meetings.
I have never been back. When I was ready
to return, I was already living in my correct
gender. A letter was sent out to all members
that when we were at the hotel where the meet
ings were being held, we all had to use the mens
restroom. For the other members that presented
no real problem; for me it did. According to
the Standards Of Care (SOC), I had to live in
my gender role completely — going to a men’s
room was out of the question. Besides, it would
have been extremely embarrassing.
Online, I argued with other members about
this and refused to do what they wanted. The
real problem was that the members were and
still are men. Before they went home they could
take off their dresses and makeup and become
macho men again. I couldn’t, nor did I want
to. So I resigned.
During the summer of 1999,1 created a web
site about myself I posted one photograph of
myself and the rest of the site concerned the
same issues that this series of articles will cover.
I created a link allowing people to email me. I
received some comments over the next month,
but surprisingly not very many. It seems that
most hits were from men looking for porno
graphic photos.
One response, though, was from a woman
in California who briefly told me that she
worked in the medical profession, was single
but had been in a common law marriage and
had a son. She found my site interesting. I im
mediately wrote back. That letter led to another,
then another.-We were becoming very friendly
online. Finally, I gave J my phone number and
one afternoon she called. From the moment
we began to talk, something clicked as if we
had always known each other. As J began to
tell me her story, I became even more fascinated
See ANATOMICALLY on page 25
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