18
Q-NOTES • JANUARY 18 . 2002
Adult son says he's gay, what
do parents say?
by Terry Hargrave, PhD
The Conflict: “1 have something to tell you...
I’m gay," said Joseph matter-of-factly at
breakfast while visiting his parents. Stunned
silence filled the kitchen. His dad, Wayne,
picked numbly at his eggs. His mother, Pat,
stared at him, dumbstruck.
Finally, Wayne spoke, “it’s a sin,” he said
flatly. “Homosexualty is wrong.” Then, mak
ing eye contact with his 28-year-old son, he
declared, “it’s against our religion. It’s
against every value we ever taught you.”
Joseph shot back, "it isn’t wrong. I was born
this way and God knows who and what I am.
Why can’t you just accept me?” Pat sighed.
“How are we going to resolve this and keep
our family together?” she said. “I love Joseph
and we’ve always been close. 1 can’t under
stand where we went wrong to cause this
problem.”
At that moment, Wayne and Pat were hit
with an agonizing dilemma: How could they
continue to love their son when his lifestyle
ran counter to their core religious beliefs?
The Resolution: Gay and lesbian adults face
big issues when they decide to tell their fami
lies about their sexual orientation. Many fear
they will be condemned or rejected. The heart
of the problem here was twofold; shock over
the news and the conflict between acceptance
and values.
Joseph had dropped a bomb. Wayne and
Pat admitted they’d had “a few suspicions”
and thought it strange that he never dated
much and never spoke about women he liked.
“But 1 never let myself think about that too
much,” said Wayne. Joseph, who was a suc
cessful musician, said his parents were always
more interested in his love life than in his
work. For years, they’d pressed him about
starting a family. “I’d say 1 wasn’t ready to set
tle down — but 1 wanted to tell them to mind
their own business,” he said, “in reality, I’ve
known about my orientation since i was 15.
When i moved from home, 1 finally found peo
ple like me. Now that I have a serious rela
tionship. i wanted to tell my parents.”
Fortunately, this was a family who could
listen to each other, if not agree, and honest
communication relieved some of the tension.
“Sexual orientation is not something you
could control when Joseph was growing up
and it is not something you can control now,”
I told Wayne and Pat. “And it’s certainly not
something you did wrong.”
ATEer several sessions, Wayne said, “Well,
we know a little more about who Joseph is,
but how do we reconcile our beliefs with this?
Our religion teaches homosexuality is wrong,
i feel if we accept Joseph, we reject what we
believe.” i asked him how he handles differ
ences with others, “i work with a Muslim
man,” he said.
“We respect each other — he has a right to
be what he chooses. We avoid the subject of
religion.”
“Being a family with different values is
much the same,” i said. “You want to stay
connected to your son. You have some differ
ent values, it’s a hard thing to reconcile, and it
will take patience and respect. It may even
take — for a while — staying away from the
subjects that separate you.” Pat chimed in:
“We know now that Joseph is gay. That’s not
okay with us, but we can have a relationship
and let life unfold as it will.”
The family did move on. After a year,
Wayne and Pat were comfortable being with
their son, though they did not agree with him.
Joseph, aware of their feelings, held off bring
ing his companion into his family’s life. When
he did, it was never comfortable. “It will take
us a long time to accept everything,” said
Joseph, “but we’re family. We’ll stick together
in spite of our disagreements.”
SENTIMENT from
page 7
America is not that kind of country.
“We can achieve the valid US and UN objec
tive of disarming Saddam Hussein through legal
diplomatic means. There is no need for war. Let us
instead devote our resources to improving the secu
rity and well being of people here at home and
around the world.
"As the Bush Administration prepares for bat
tle, religious, civil rights and citizen organizations
have banded together to promote disarming Iraq
without war. ”
Founding members of the coalition that issued
this statement include the National Council of
Churches, Business Leaders for Sensible Priorities,
the National Organization for Women,
Physicians for Social Responsibility, Rainbow
Push Coalition, Women’s Action for New
Directions and Working Assets.
Andy Vernon, Realtor
Multi-Million Dollar Producer
Andrew.Vemon@atcmail.com
704.595.2247 vm / direct line
888.547.8901 tollfree x247
• Andy Vernon & Allen Tate Company—
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