Q - L I V i N G
Dating netiquette: A web of confusion
In an age where you can find
romance online, what’s the status
quo for proper behavior?
by Jorge Treviano
At the end of a teary call a few weeks ago,
Joseph May hung up the phone and realized
his six-month relationship was over. Then he
did what many gay men now do after they
have broken up; he went online and updated
his Manhunt and DList profiles, changing his
personal status from “In a Relationship” to
“Single.”
“I wanted a clean break,” said May, 29, a
computer programmer in Boston.
His ex-boyfriend, Phillip Dexter, 27, an ad
exec in Provincetown, did not know about the
clean-up, though, until a friend alerted him to
May’s updated DList page.
“He called me the next day crying that he
thought we were going to work things out, and
that 1 apparently never loved him because I
had so quickly changed my status to single,”
May recalled. “I felt really bad because I wasn’t
trying to hurt his feelings or be malicious. I
just thought it was over and that it was best to
move on.”
Dexter disagrees. “There’s a waiting peri
od,” he said,“before [changing] your profile on
these sites.”
Breaking up gracefully is always hard to
do. But in an age when gay men practically
define themselves by their sundry internet
profiles, properly noting your relationship
standing and dealing with other online
mementos has created a host of new protocol
challenges.
“It’s like this whole new etiquette,” said
May, who is now friendly with Dexter. “And no
one has really acknowledged the how-to’s
because it’s not really formed yet.”
The fact that communal websites like
MySpace, Friendster, Gay.com or the already
mentioned Manhunt and DList allow users to
instantly share their hook-up, shack-up, break
up and make-up conditions with a broad audi
ence of friends and strangers has its benefits.
For dumpees, however, the mouse-click
announcement is often too quick and too easy.
“The first few days of a break-up is a very
sensitive time,” said Robert Rave, author of the
coming out guidebook “Conversations and
Cosmopolitans: How To Give Your Mother a
Hangover.”
“There’s always the chance of reconcilia
tion. Publicly declaring your status can be lib
erating, but it can also have serious ramifica
tions, especially if done prematurely. You really
need to be certain that you own your new
label because labels have a way of sticking,
even if we don’t want them to.”
Dating experts, therapists and people
active on the sites agree that there is a lot of
room for confusion and heartache due to the
lack of common understanding of how to
approach these changes.
“If you’re dating someone for a long time
and they immediately change
the status, it hurts more
because you don’t want them
to get over it that quickl)’
said Michael Brown, a student
in Manhattan, who experi
enced his own dramatic
break-up this summer.
His last partner “can
celled” their relationship on
an online site after they part
ed and “it stung because it
sort of shattered my last hope
at getting back together^’ he
said. (Later, he discovered that
his ex had created an account
at another site listing himself
as single even before he broke
up with Brown. Ouch!)
“Changing your status
after a break-up can be very
painful and sai” Brown
added. “1 was crying while
readjusting my DList profile.”
Gregory Gale, a health researcher in
Chicago, was so affected by an ex’s profile
change on a website he frequented that he
abandoned his account there. “Seeing that was
World Wide Woe: No man
wants to discover that his
relationship is over by read
ing it on his (apparently ex-)
boyfriend’s internet profile.
like a kick in the stomach,” he said.
Of course, some updates are clearly meant
to spite. One of May’s exes, while they were
still together, would frequently change his pro
file status to single “to pro
voke me,” May recalled.
Manipulation like that is
common, said Phil Henricks,
marketing director at
Manhunt.net. “It’s the same
drama that is played out in the
bars, but online can even be
worse. Sometimes members
try to write nasty things about
their exes or use their photos.
Of course, once we are alerted
we take care of the situation.”
Even DList.com founder
Daniel Nardicio admits he’s
used the internet to get back
at exes. “Since I own my own
site, I have the god-given abil
ity to change my exes profiles
at my own random, pointless
will. Sometimes under‘occu
pation’ I put‘whore’ if they
have cheated on me, or under
‘HIV Status’ I put‘huge weep
ing sores’ if they weren’t nice to me at the end
of the relationship. It drives them crazyT
see web on 44
?-i
CHURCH OF THE HOLV SPIRIT
FELLOWSHIP, INC.
2873 Robinhood
First Person A Pastor Road
Winston Salem
North Carolina
27107
Phone:
Other:
336-575>6205
336-499-6134
REV. ROGER E. HAYES
Pastor & Teacher
• AN INOtFEHDEIIT CHURCH
• An Affinn'mg ministry
• A sale palM to htai and gnw in Christ )esus
• Cdebrating the Radicall/ Indusiye love of ]esus Christ
“Where the fullness of
God’s love resides”
www.churchoftheholyspiritfellowshipnc.coin
Intemarional Christian Community Church
Christs Church Of The Foothills
Rev. Christine Oscar Sunday Service 11:00 am
Meets at: 3540 Main Ave. N.W. (in Longview, N.C.)
(Across from the Fresh Air Gallaxy Grocery Store)
Church Number: (828) 261-0403
Web: wsvw.Geocities.com/West Hollywood/Chelsea/9774
E-mail: church of the foothills(a)yahoo.com
-i
■ HEART TO HANDS
MASSAGE.
Thomas Horne
N.C. License #1739,
828-231-6156
J^eville
FrotD
$22
(7041
331
9988
Samuel B. Johnson, Attorney, pllc
Wills and Estates, Family Law,
General Practice
J.D., Yale
Ph. D., Duke (Mathematics)
B.S., Davidson (Mathematics & German)
910 North Elm Street wvrw.SAMltEijOHNSONLAW.cOM
Greensboeo, NC 27401 (336) 544-0632
e-mail: JOHNSON@5AMUELIOHNSONLAW.OOM eax (336) 275-6045
^ • • .r.' V -
»nomy Signz Plus
High Quality signs at Affordable Prices!
Services
Kathy Renfro
Beth Beck
704-609-7864
owners
www.cconomysignz.com
economysignz(cf gmail.com
New Consliuctjon
SHe Signs
Porting - on location
'Morguee Slgr.s
ADA Signs
InstaAotlons
i, ;rv1 GfOpt3ics
Mognetes Car Signs
Rainbow World
Sycamore Square
3308 Bragg Blvd. Suite 236-A
Fayetteville, NC 28303
Phone & Fax: 910-429-9970
Web Site:
www.Rainbow-World-NC.com
Alan Gomez
Owner
estate
C.OMPANY
Stephen J. Holder
Broker-Realtor
843-997-6272
fax: 843-491-4040
stephenlwlder@lopproducer.com
www.stephenjholder.com
42 OCTOBER 7.2006 • Q-NOTES