on being a gay parent
by brett webb-mitchell :: qnotes contributor
Yoga daddy
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"And stretch one more time, finding
your edge and pushing a little bit more,
even if it is just an inch or a micro-inch,"
Elijah says to his enthusiastic crowd of-
25 aging yoga.participants at our local
YMCA. Downward dog, looking like my
Labrador retrievers as they wander into
our bedroom with their morning yawn
and stretch, I put my head down, push
back on my heels, hips up toward the sky, legs and hands outstretched.
Then we glide into upward dog, reversing the arc of the back. Amid
squats, bends, warrior poses, leg and groin stretches, cross-legged and
breathing exercises, we make our way through poses that cannot help
but add flexibility to our not-so-limber bodies, minds and spirits. What
is most mystifying and satisfying is that yoga has also made me more
flexible as a father.
I came to yoga through my daughter Adrianne's invitation one
summer's day. She took up yoga at college and soon my partner, and
then I, followed her to a yoga class. At first, it was a daddy-daughter
thing in which I was enjoying the camaraderie of the moment. Though
my body ached as I learned how inflexible my limbs were, I looked
at the clock, trying to figure out, "How much longer must I do this?"
But, with time, persistence and willingness to learn to take it slowly,
my body became more lithesome. Along with my daughter, my son
works out with me at the YMCA. Ke and I tend to focus on running
and lifting weights. Needless to say, between both children, my entire
being is getting a daily work-out, keeping me young(er), limber(er) and
healthier. In a fun way, we are engaged in a practice that my father
started with me when I was a young child, taking me to Saturday
morning gym activities like Dodgeball or to little league practice. There
is something special about physical activities that draw children and
parents together in incredible ways.
What I've appreciated about learning yoga is how easily the
practices have generalized to parenting as a gay dad. For example,
consider flexibility. In yoga, arms, legs and torso, down to legs and
fingers, can start to stiffen when not fully used. This is why it is helpful
to bend and flex body parts slowly, methodically, not too quickly, but
without undue waiting, massaging our bones and sinews back to fuller
usage. Likewise, in life as a parent who is LGBTQ, because we parent
in a world largely defined by straight parents, we need to flex or use
the specialness of our love of being a parent whose family may face
oppression overtly or covertly. We will be challenged to love our part
ners and children genuinely and smartly, careful so as not to humiliate
anyone, but proclaiming the love without apology.
As we learn to be flexible in yoga, we also learn to stretch. What I
love is the challenge to stretch a toe, finger, arm, legs and the curve of
a back, a headstand or torso just a little further each and every time we
engage in a yoga practice. Sometimes the stretch cart be counted in
inches and some times in micro-inches, only known by the practitioner.
It is learning the balance of being comfortable in our bodies, but also
knowing where our "edge" is and challenging ourselves to pull or push
a little bit more. In parenting, we are stretched. Growing up with a narra
tive of being a straight parent. I'm constantly adjusting and re-adjusting
my expectations and strategies in parenting around the reality that I'm
a gay dad. That means I have to be sensitive to and aware of how my
being out, published, speaking to groups, affects not only me, but my
children and partner as well. It is a privilege, honor and responsibility
that straight parents do not have to consider.
Finally, Elijah has often reminded his class that yoga is 10 percent
book knowledge or theory and 90 percent practice. So, is parenting: it
is 10 percent book knowledge, whether reading this article or my book
on this subject or that of other fine resources and 90 percent practice.
Gay parenting is not rocket science: it is more complicated and beautiful
than that It is an honor, duty, joy and takes more love than we thought
we had within us (but discover we do), in a world in which relationships
change and in which control over our circumstances are tenuous at
best But it is in the stretching and flexibility, that we learn to love just
a little bit more, come what may. And, this is where I delight in being a
yoga daddy.::
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18 qnotes April 16-29.2011