SECOM D-H AMO
T A L ^ S
"Some re-written - some just told -
Some new - some old.”
By- Professor M. L. Turner.
No doubt most people agree v/ith the follov/ing
statement: "Vfer is the grimmest and most
horrible business in the world, and peopJ.e
who cannot cling to a vestige of high hope
and humor in the midst'of it are lost indeed.
Vfe will die if we must, and sacrifice every
thing, but surely nobody will begrudge us a
hearty laugh or two in the doing.” So at a
time like this we do not believe that any
effort to titillate people’s risibilities (v;e
do not wish to resort to sesquipedalianism)
will be considered lost energy. The following
jojces are not merely second-hand tales but
•many of them extend unto the third and fourth
generations in reverse. For instance, it is reported that during the War Between
the States, President Lincoln grew weary of General McClellan’s stalling tactics
and sent General Hooker to take over. Wishing to create an impression of decision
and vigor, Hooker rushed into action, reporting his various movements in an urgent
dispatch saying; "Keadquarters in the saddle.” ”The trouble with Hooker,” LincoiLn
remarked to his cabinet, ”is that he’s got his headquarters where his hindqu«?.rters
ought to be.”
Coming nearer home from both -the standpoint of time and geographical distance,
we have heard of an incident (on the surface it might have the earmarks of an
accident) which involved one of our ov/n local young men. A Dorothy Jj^yiiourish look-'
ing young lady, or perhaps she v;as a cross between Ginger Rogers and Veronica Lake,
was watching drill one day. Suddenly a rifle volley rang out. With a surprised
scream, the lovely lady shrank back directly into the* arms of Bob Forney who was
standing behind her. ”0h,” she stammered with a blush, ”I was so frightened by the
rifles. V/on»t you please forgive me?” ”Don»t mind that at all,” spoke the quick
witted Bob, ”Let’s go over and watch the artillery." (Bob was well aware of the
thunderous noise that the guns of the artillery can make.)
Vfonder if Ned Williams remembers the tdjne that the teacher asked him if he
could explain v;hat a mugwump was. ”,A Mugwump”, said Ned, ”is a bird that sits on
a fence v;5.th its head on one side and its vAimp on the other,”
Wasn’t it Jim Southards who ?/rote the following composition for his teacher?
”Geese is a low heavy bird which is most meat and feathers. Geese can’t sing much
on account of the dampness of the writer. He ain’t got no between-his-toes and he’s
got a little balloon in his stummick to keep him from sinking. Some geese when
they are big has curls on their tails and is called ganders. Ganders don’t have
to sit and hatch, but just eat and loaf around and go swimming. If I was a goose,
I’d rather be a gander.”
Which one of the boys was it that'thought a Jeep was a female Jap?
Jumping from one. thing to another, most of us know that during the past
couple of years several first-aid courses have been conducted in and around
Lavmdale, One of our good ladies (viQ shall not 'divulge her nrjne at this time) was
riding home from such a class taught by Mr. Putnam vifhen she suddenly spied a man
lying flat on his fa.ce in the middle of the driveway. ”Stop the car”, she said to
the'driver, ”here’s my chance to practice what I learned in class.” She piled out
of the car, , landed her full 180 pounds astride the prone figure, and began pump
ing the man’s arms violently up and down. The surprised victim finally managed
to find his voice* ”For the luwa Milce, lady,” he entreated, ”leave me be, v/ill
yc.7 I don^t know what you’re doing but I’m trying to locate a leak in this sewer.”
(No doubt you’ve giiPfstjed her name by this time.
(Cont’d, next page)