I
KMSHED
WEAKLY
SdUi»K
\
TKe Co
llegiate is tKe Official Paper of tKe 1980 Olympic t
LJO ^
1^
rlu0i6cn.
ames.
W
^tor’s Note
George T. Murphy, upon discovery that his seemingly innocent furniture stealing had
resulted in death sentence. Upon notification, Murphy was heard to exclaim, “Huh?”
Murphy Execution Set for Founders Day
by John Roberts
George T. Murphy, President
ofthe Student Government As
sociation at Atlantic Christian
College, is scheduled to be
eieciited on May 1, 1980.
Charge with furniture steal
ing, Murphy seems to be a
lidmof an unwritted discipline
policy in the SGA Constitution.
Murphy was arrested last
week for alledgedly attempting
tosteal some valuable furniture
in the Hardy half of the admin
istration building. According to
one eye witness, Murphy was
seen “backing a furniture truck
up to the door” of what was
formerly the Hardy Library.
Rumor has it that Murphy
planned to move the furniture of
the offices of the Collegiate, the
campus newspaper, where it
would be destroyed by the flood
waters which periodically cover
the floors there. He planned to
TODAY’S CROSSWORD PUZZLE
CROSS
1 Campus gal
5 Medical
inst,
9 Sharpen
M Skilled
15 Winged
'SSpmet, e.g.
I’ Corp. big
shot
IS Sorghum
SFirIh
Negative
phrase:
2 words
22 Runaways
Rented
26 Apportions
Preposition
23Romaine
3d Embed
33- -
West
3i Salad
in ttie
39 Sultry
DOWN
34 Drug
40 Alarm
1 Bicker
35 A lot: Var.
41 Trip
2 Portly
36 Gained
42 Noticeable
3 Turgenev
37 Strewer
44 Witness
heroine
40 Filthy
45 Remote
4 Bank client
abodes
46 ■■
5 Meat
42 IVlissile
yourself"
6 Smelly
43 Pro and —
47 Dry
7 Witch city
45 Food pro
49 Cleared
8 Sued
ducer
53 “Go —
9 Steeples
47 Analyze
—!": Stop
57 Fabric
10 Colors
48 Thus
11 Rhonchus
50 Family
58 False —
12 Loner
51 — on
59 Son of Seth
13 Jardinieres
Prodded
61 Latvian city
21 Creed
52 College
62 Out-of-date
23 Jacket style
heads
63 Outside:
25 Sot's prob
53 California
Prefix
lem
county
64 Man's name
28 Turn the —
54 Norwegian
65 Later
—
king
66 Retain
30 Slice
55 Speedy
67 Radicals
31 Noble
56 Surf noise
32 Bird sound
33 Tallows
60 Steep
ItO
11
u
13
1-
hide the furniture behind the
$15,000 worth of extremely sen
sitive equipment which is
housed there.
Allegations that other persons
were involved have not been
proven as one unnamed al
ledged co-conspirator was seen
in the District Attorney’s office,
claiming he knew what Murphy
was planning but refused to go
along with it.
Trial for Murphy was un
usually quick after defense at
torneys were denied in an effort
to have the culprit acquitted by
reason of insanity. Afterwards,
prosecutors overwhelmed the
court with damaging evidence,
including taking cheap shots,
and a current history of the
defendant's failures to keep
appointments with certain high
officials. Murphy claimed he
was present at such appoint
ments while the officials were
the ones who did not show up;
however, this testimony was
stricken from the record as
Murphy chose to speak out of
turn and while not on the
witness stand.
Defense attorneys had hoped
to have Murphy acquitted on the
basis that Mr. Ron Eggers, a
psychology instructor at the
school had diagnosed Murphy
as having a “severe case ot
Hardy-Belk Administrative
Complex.”
The death penalty had never
been considered as possible
punishment until one srnall
statement began to snowball
during the sentencing.
It began as one administra
tion official, flicking a blond hair
from his lapel, stated, ^
outta be hung.”
Immediately, a faculty per
son, whose vote counts heavily
in future Faculty Cup elections,
began to chant, “Hang him,
hang him!”
Murphy, obviously not know
ing what to do, screamed
“Mercy, mercy!” At this point,
the judge factored three equa
tions, passed sentence and said,
“You’re welcome.”
The outburst which resulted
from the rather unusual sen
tencing created quite a stir as
three persons were forced to be
subdued by the college mace
and the judge threatene o
“call the Dean.’
see page 4
This week’s paper is an April
Fools edition. The only serious
page in the paper is page 2. This
means that you should not
believe anything on any of the
other pages.
This means that since this
note is on Page 1, you cannot
believe it. Which means that
you can believe all articles
except those on Page 2.
Meaning, that this article is
true. So don't believe anythin),
that is not on Page 2.
Oh, never mind.
We Support the SGA!
by Jolm Roberts
During the past year, the
Collegiate has continually sup
ported the SGA Leadership.
As an example of the support
the president receives from the
entire campus, the Collegiate
sent reporter John Roberts out
into the field to take a random
sampling of the students of
ACC. Here's a sample of what
he heard:
“Oh, she’s doing alright, 1
guess.”
“He’s okay, 1 guess. Where’s
my dollar?”
“He’s a credit to his race.”
“So, you’re John Roberts.
See me in my office in twenty
minutes.”
“I’m sorry. I’m late for
class.”
“One of the finest engineer
ing majors in the history of the
college.”
“Yes, 1 even offered to help
buy his bus tickets to New
York.”
“He put more time than any
of his fellow students in Greek
Class.”
“Who is this guy, Madge?”
“I don’t know. Ignore him
and maybe he’ll go away.”
“He came to my class, once.”
“Terrific guy. One of a kind. I
didn’t know he died.”
The Vice-President is loved
by both friends and bitter
enemies as well. And why not?
The Vice-President position is
always in the limelight of cam
pus activities. The majority of
the student body sees him in his
role as Speaker of the Senate.
But that's not his fault. The
authors of our constitution saw
fit to have the Vice-President
chair the SGA Senate.
It's not an easy job. Being
second in command to what
everyone, except the Collegiate,
refers to as an incompetent has
to be a challenge. And as a
challenge is just how he takes it.
All in all, he does okay I
guess.
The SGA Treasurer is a
supreme example of a tightwad.
But then, that's what he needs
to be. And let's face it. He's
good at it. A good example of
his moneymanaging techniques
is evident in his ability to buy a
new car in these inflationary
times, even without gainful
employment.
We’d like to say more g<xxl
things about him, but space is
money, and, we don’t have
much of it.
And then there’s the SGA
Secretary. A thankless job.
Having to type up those absurd
letters the SGA President sends
to his mother on SGA station
ary, she has to put up with a lot.
And no one, out of fear for
impeachment, will let her talk
about it. It does have it’s
benefits though. Contacted
during her expense-paid leave
of absence, she admits her
loyalty to the SGA leadership.
All in all, a finer group of
dedicated, hard-working stud
ents has never been assembled.
Therefore, we of the Collegiate,
wish to commend the leadership
sec page 4
OC