AMEN CORNER
TARTUFFERY randy Inquire
During the Orientation exercises
year, one of the most asked questions
I heard was “What kinds of clubs do
they have here?” Having studied my
material well (done my homework,
if you will), I went about the chore
of telling them that we had clubs for
Psychology majors (known as
B.O.N.K.E.R.S), Drama majors (C.
A.S.T.P.A.R.T.Y.), Philosophy majors
(H.Y.P.O.T.H.E.S.I.S.), English majors
(H.Y.P.E.R.B.O.L.E.), Pre-med majors
(H.Y.P.O.D.E.R.M.I.C), Literature
majors (B.O.O.K.W.O.R.M.), and
Physical Education majors (J.O.C.K.
S.T.R.A.P.)* The musicians on cam
pus got together to form a club called
O.C.T.A.V.E., while the artists formed
E.A.S.E.L. The students who have a
Grade Point Average in the area of
three-and-a-half have their own little
bunch they call E.G.G.H.E.A.D.,
while the members of the muck-rakers
basketball team have their own off-
court group called S.W.E.A.T.S.O.X.
Then I told them to try to avoid be
coming a Foreign Language major if
they could possibly help it; especially
if they were on a diet, because the
French, Spanish and German clubs
are named C.R.E.P.E., T.A.C.O. and
S.T.R.U.D.E.L. I knew that Dr. N.
D. Pendence would never forgive me
if I didn't mention the History De
partment's club, D.A.T.E.N.U.T.S.
And of course, how could I go with
out mentioning my own group -
S.L.A.C.C.: the Society for the Lim
itation and Cancellation of Classes.
I found out a few weeks later
that there was one group that I‘d
neglected to mention. Well, I hadn't
You are new at the University of North Carolina at Ashe
ville. Many of you will grow old here. You will like it for about a week.
This feeling will blossom into a more mature feeling which will be deeply
entrenched in your heart. A passionate craving to burn. Do not confuse the
warm feeling you get in your chest when that special someone walks by
with the feeling you will have in your heart for UNC-A. If you eat here the
feeling in your heart is heartburn.
Getting gas at UNC-A is common. Passing gas at UNC-A is
a priviledge reserved for tenured faculty and higher-ranking administration.
Your first class here will be the most memorable of all the classes you will
ever take. You will find that as time goes on it will be increasingly difficult
to remember your classes. This is called senior senility and is brought on by
excessive and sometimes lethal doses of free beer.
You read Brave New World in your junior year in high
school. UNC-A’s soma is produced at Schlitz breweries. Here at UNC-A,
there are no Alphas. There are three Betas and four Deltas. The rest are
Epsilons. The identity of the seven who are not Epsilons is being witheld
pending their transfer to Cecil’s Business College.
You have heard about collegiate sex. It is in the movies
a lot. It is a lie. Your sex life will not improve unless you take Biology 169,
taught by the professor known across campus for his lewd and immoral
advances to a Leitz stereo microscope. Severny-two percent of those who
finish this class get into leather. The rest get into graduate school. Those
who drop out or fail lead healthy and normal lives.
Some of you will get involved with Student Government.
Some will get involved with the readio station. Some will get involved with
our little paper. Some of you will get involved with drugs and spend the
rest of your lives in jail being beaten with leather by the seventy-two per
cent of the graduates of Biology 169. Then you will die and go to your
reward. If you want to write you had best take asbestos postcards.
UNC-A is the most important school in the world. / go
here. Mark West and Darrell Parker go here. Ben Hyde used to go here. Sir
Isaac Newton, Richard Nixon, Harry S. Truman, Frederick Nietzche, Adolf
Hitler, Franscisco Franco, Torquemada the Inquisitor, John Travolta and
Susan B. Anthony did not. They all went to their toasty reward years ago
and nobody cared.
If you read this article to the very conclusion, you have
one important thing to learn in the next four years. Instead of wasting your
time and ruining your eyes reading this garbage, you could read something
intellectually inspiring and stimulating like Shakespeare. Or Milton. Or
Dante of Dryden or Spencer or Coleridge. But not me. Otherwise you may
leave this institution as stupid and ignorant as you are right now.
theridgerunnertheridgerunnertheridgerunnertheridgerunnertheridgerunnertheridgerunnertheridgerunnertheridgerunr. THE RIDGERUNNER Volume XIV Number 1
exactly neglected it; the darn thing Collegiate Hierarchy of Intellectually
just formed out of the blue one mor- Efficient Students?” A broad smile
ning. broke out on Sam's face as she pro-
We all know that few of us are nounced the acronym- “Or M.U.N.
really worth our weight in notebooks C.H.I.E.S.”
until we have that first cup of coffee There was a sudden dismissal
in the morning. With this in mind, a to the Snack Bar and in the ensuing
small group of students began to con- celebration over the christening, the
gregate every morning in a corner of newly-named M.U.N.C.H.I.E.S. con-
the cafeteria just a few yards south of
the SLACC corner. It began with just
three people, then to seven, then to
thirteen, then to eighteen and finally
(counting the branch office we had to
open) to twenty-one. If it sounds
like a bit of a crowd, you're right. It's
even more of a crowd when you con
sider the fact that our little table
was made to seat eight. To find
enough room for such a crowd was
one thing; naming it was another.
At first, we thought about call
ing it S.L.A.C.C. II in order to avoid
thinking up a new acronym. But with
two members of H,Y,P.E,R.B.O.L.E.,
in the crowd, the idea went flat
quickly.
Cindy Syntax suggested calling
it the "Every Morning Coffee Club
and Ecumenical Council of Non-Aca-
demic Thinking.” Fine, but somehow
I couldn't picture E,M.C,C,E.C.N,A.T.
splashed across a T-Shirt, It took the
talents of Samantha Simile to come
up with a more appropriate name.
"Well, as we are students of
Muck University, and as we are all
very studious people, why not call
ourselves 'Muck University's Non-
sumed 63 cups of coffee, 75 donuts, Notre Dame has the Fighting Irish and
23 Danish, 42 eggs, 39 pieces of toast North Carolina State has the Wolf-
with an equal number of bacon strips, pack. But ask any student of Muck U
12 pounds of grits, 112 biscuits and a what we have and he or she will
gallon and a half of Orange Juice, proudly square their shoulders and
So for all of those who are still tell you: "What do we have? We
looking for somplace to go after high have (Burp!) the M,U,N,C.H,I.E,S!”
school or are just looking for a good
time, remember: UCLA has the
RCC0RP1N6 TO
HIS ABILITIES,
TO EACH
ACC0RD1N6 TO
KARL MARX