Thursday, April 18,1985/THE BLUE BANNER/11
The Bull Pen
By Dale McElmth
Everyone * s publishing
diet books.
I mean, last week I saw
Orson Welles* new weight
loss book, "You Can Eat,
Drink and Be Merry, but
You’ll Probably End Up Fat
Like Me."
So I figured, "what the
heck? 1*11 write a diet
book of my own."
I mean, I have a finely
tuned athletic body. So
why not pass on some of my
training techniques to
those poor flabby unfor^
tunates wix> haven’t been
enlightened?
Here's the first draft.
Food Don*ts;
Personally I try to
avoid vegetables.
From my many years of
research I’ve learned veg
etables are bad for you.
The infamous Vegetable
Growers of America (VGA),
or Los Peoples de la Vege
tables as I've often heard
them termed in clandestine
"vegetable" meetings, are
behind the devious plot
aimed at convincing the
American people vegetables
are good for you.
1 Their goal, of course,
is to coerce you into buj^
ing useless vegetables,
thereby filling their
pockets while you flounder
in out-of-shape degrada
tion.
I refuse to knuckle un
der to such Neo-Nazi
"scare" techniques. Al
though there are those,
even on the staff of this
fine newspaper, who bring
the "vegetable" philosophy
into our own office.
Of course, it is okay to
eat potatoes. Those hardy
roots have, so far, es
caped the clutches of the
VGA.
It's also good to avoid
any food with the suffix
"bean." If you should hap
pen onto any of the vari
ous beans (lima, pinto,
green, pork and, etc.),
you risk sure death by
eating the small food-like
object.
Food Do»s:
Reese’s Cups. Now that’s
real muscle-building food.
And hot dogs, especially
the ones that are real
red. I think that's be
cause they've put lots of
red dye //7 into them.
If red dye //7 can't
build muscles, what can?
Of course, it goes with-’
out saying, potted meat,
bologna and Vienna sausa
ges are all top notch
training foods.
Nothing makes me feel
better than to go out and
run 10 or 12 miles after
eating two or three bo
logna sandwiches (with
lots of ketchup). I usu
ally better xny best time
by an hour or two.
Just remember to look
out for the "vegetable"
people. They've published
reams of material condemn
ing the foods I’ve just
listed. But, hey, I'm
telling you the truth.
Trust me.
Bcerclse Do's;
Don't.
Exercise Don'ts;
Do.
Well, this is only the
first draft. Maybe I
should talk about fruit in
the next chapters. But,
what the heck, here's a
brief preview of the fruit
section.
Avoid any fruit that has
a name of more than one
syllable.
Trust me.
NDMBER FI RACKET CUnt Osbome goes for a ground
stroke In ent actloo. staff photo by Sylvia Hawkins
There’s no
doubt youYe going
tomakeitm
the real world,
butwhat
about 3^ur ear?
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MOO for graduating seniors toward tlie
purchase of selected cars and trucks.
Ford Motor Credit also has preapproved credit for qualified graduating seniors.
Offers end August 15,1985. For more information call Ford College Graduate
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