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>7 March 20,1997 The Banner Page 3 Perspectives Easy answers to the Social Security problem Dave Barry columnist. I I’ve been thinking about how to fix Social Security. Ordinarily, I don’t. Ordinarily, I focus on issues such as how to remove little pieces of pepperoni stuck in between my teeth, and I leave government prob lems to the trained professionals in Washington, D.C. (motto; “Over- lookingTheObviousSince 1798”). But they are frankly not getting the job done. President Clinton hasn’t had time, what with all these pesky scandals, which have forced him to scale down his vision for his second term from “build a bridge to the 21 St century” to “settle out of court.” Congress has also been busy, fo cusing its brainpower on the scan dal swirling around House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who was formally accused by members of the House Ethics Committee of reminding want to call it that, that passes the tax laws, and he is therefore theo retically supposed to have some idea what they say. Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can gross rate of annualized fiscal de benture”). My point is that our leaders, what with one thing and another, do not have time for leading, which leaves the Social Security problem up to me. First, we need to clear up a mis- them of the Pillsbury Doughboy. No, sorry. I’m confusing the House Ethics Committee with me. Newt was accused of violating the tax laws. Now, you may say, in Newt’s defense; “But everybody violates the tax laws. The whole point of the U.S. tax system is to be so complicated that no normal human can conform to it, or even think about it for more than 10 seconds without bleeding from the forehead. This system enables the Internal Revenue Service to select random taxpayers for audit with 100 per cent confidence that they will be guilty of something, even if they live in isolated wilderness areas and measure their annual income in squirrel meat.” Yes, but Newt is not a “normal human.” Newt is amember ofCon- gress, the very organization, if you put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you’d find at least one sex scene (“‘Yes, yes, yes!’ moaned Vanessa at Lance, his taught body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted conception. Many Americans be lieve that Social Security works this way; The government takes money out of your paycheck, keeps it for you in a safe place such as a giant federal mattress, then, when you retire, starts giving it back to you. If that’s how you think it works, then let me quote the famous French economist Francois Quesnay (1694-1774) : “Ding dong, you’re wrong. ” What actually happens is, the gov ernment takes money out of your paycheck and immediately gives it to a retired person (in your particu lar case, this person is Mrs. Edwina P. Loogersnapper of Yeasting Springs, VT; she says, “hi”). This system works fine as long as there are enough younger workers to sup port the retired people. But there’s going to be big trouble in the year 2012, which is the first retirement year of the massive Baby Boom generation (defined, technically, as “people who, when you say ‘Shirley, Shirley, bo-berly,’ instantly respond ‘Bonana fanna fo-ferley’”). There will be way too many of us Baby Boomers collecting benefits, and way too few “Generation X” work ers to support us unless they are forced to pay ridiculously high tax rates, and Social Security will col lapse like a Wal-Mart lawn chair under Sen. Edward Kennedy, D- Mass. (Get it? “D-Mass.”) What can we do? One solution would be to reduce Social Security benefits, but this is out of the ques tion because of the powerful se- nior-citizen lobby. If any politician even dares to talk about cutbacks, the American As sociation of Retired Persons noti fies the politician’s mother, and she immediately flies to Washington, marches into his or her office and twists his or her ear until he or she promises never to do it again. So, if we can’t cut benefits, what can we do? Unfortunately, there is no one easy answer. There are, in fact, four easy answers; 1) Go ahead and force Generation X workers to pay ridiculously high tax rates. They deserve it for start ing this super cigar craze. 2) Set a mandatory five-year mini mum prison sentence for any per son convicted of using social secu rity benefits to make a purchase from the Home Shopping Network. The minimum sentence would be increased to 10 years if the purchase involved a ceramic cat. 3) Do not give Social Security benefits to people who spend the equivalent of the Gross National Product of Chile trying to look as though they are too young to qualify for Social Security. This would be called the “Zsa Zsa” rule. 4) Reduce the expected crush in the year 2012 by allowing Baby Boomers to retire early, going in alphabetical order, starting with the letter “B.” See you on the shuffleboard court. Low GPA doesn't mean disaster in job search (CPS) - On her resume. Stetson University senior Meredith Preuss boasts of her computer skills and biology lab work. But there’s one thing she’s left off— her G.P.A. That’s because, Preuss,22, carries a2.9 out of 4.0—notagrade-point average that typically catches a po tential employer’s attention. “I know grades count but employ ers are interested in “well-rounded people,” Preuss said. “Someone who can’t handle the stress of failure is a little scary.” Although many employers view a high G.P.A. as a way to predict success in the workplace, not every student graduates with a 4.0. For students with a less-than-perfect academic record, learning how to tailor your resume can mean the difference between a job offer and a rejection letter. Rebecca Emery, career services director at Salisbury State Univer sity, said students should always focus on the positive on their re sume. That means, “if your grade point average is well below the 3.0 level, leave it off,” she said. In some cases, the G.P.A. in a student’s academic major may be significantly higher than the overall G.P.A. In such a case students should include their major G.P.A. on the resume, Emery said. For instance, Preuss plans to in clude the G.P.A. in her biology major, a respectable 3.4, on her resume when she applies for jobs in the science field. “That’s the one that matters,” she said. Emery adds that students can even separate their upper level G.P.A. from the overall G.P.A. to show employers what they have accom plished in their last two years. Top-end jobs, however, do look closely at your overall grade-point average, warned Michelle Ohayon, director of the Career Resource Center at Nova Southeastern Uni versity. “Your grade-point average mat ters a great deal if you’re hoping to work in a technical field such as engineering or in the sciences,” she said. “If you’re going into journal ism, employers are more interested in your writing samples. If you’re going into sales, your personality matters more than your grade-point average. ” Real world experience through internships, cooperative education, or volunteer experience can com pensate for your grades, notes Ursula Hibbert, career counselor at Champlain College. “Employers look at these as a true indication of ability,” she said. “A good employ ment history—even when it’s not career related—can show determi nation and a willingness to work hard in pursuit of goals.” Students should use their college’s alumni network to help them get over the low-grades hurdle, says Will Smith, the career services di rector at Wartburg College. “That way professors who are fa miliar with your abilities can make recommendations to alumni which may help you get your foot in the door,” he said. Of course, the best track to take is to have everything; strong academ ics, activities, and experience, said Frank J. Kollar, director of career development and placement ser vices at Mansfield University. “The bottom line is that if your grades are lacking, you better have something else of significance to offer an employer,” he said. Comics and Crossword THE Crossword AUHUbb 1 Beef 5 Sow 10 Masticate 14 Waste allowance 15 Wireless 16 Legendary knowledge 17 Culture medium 18 Arabian ruler 19 Abstract being ?0 Free 22 Made 24 Simian 25 Condescend 26 One without title 30 Envisioned 34 Malt drinks 35 Seafood item 37 Mistake 38 Free from 39 Stomi 41 Female deer 42 Escape by deceit 44 Very dry 45 Flowerless plant 46 Take out 48 Kept 50 Remorseful 52 Metal 53 Followers 56 Farmer's book 60 Unrefined metals 61 Flying machine 63 Donated 64 Money maker 65 Aggressive person 66 Fibbed 67 Favorites 68 Packs away 69 Othenwise DOWN 1 Headliner 2 Goad 3 Business transaction 4 Fk>ws steadily 5 Attendance 6 Metallic fabnc 7 Summer drink 8 Family memtjer 9 Very hot 26 27 28 34 38 42 46 I 01997 Tfibune Mede Services. Inc. All rights reserved. 10 Clothing freshener 11 Party giver 12 Gaelk; 13 Unwanted plant 21 Military address 23 Plumed bird 25 Window covering 26 Showed interest in 27 Shade of green 28 Award 29 Shade trees 31 English forest 32 Maiy Tyler — 33 Movement in fashion 36 Pure 39 Grand—,WY 40 Homesteaders 43 Stops 45 Obtain by deceit 47 Explodes 49 Goal 51 Kindled again 53 Frolic ANSWERS ElSDEl □□□□□ naBD SDB DDQna ann ans £]□□□□ □□□□ EIQBEIS s BQnn □EiD on □□ ODD □□□□□□□El 54 Great Lake 58 Sts. 55 Camp shelter 59 Sun-ender 56 Once again possession 57 Metal f^ener 62 In tfie past I ISMriTTfMSFOR THeyvV^lLMAN TO SB HSRS 7* SA^u.wHeReA;?£ THE CLONES I? I'M 9ClTrfN&THISdOBu. W -THB I'M FLUSHIN© YOUR /V\Mt POWN ZIP., II
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March 20, 1997, edition 1
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