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The Blue Banner
April 19,2001
The Blue Banner
Opinions
'vesting a Sitcom in Minutes
Editorials
Fire Alarms and Extinguishers
Yellow smoke filled the fourth floor of Mills Hall at 1:30
a.m. April 12.
The fire alarms blared, lights falshed and a mechanical
Voice announced: "An emergency has been reported.
Please exit the building."
Students ran down the hall blindly, unable to see one
foot in front of them. The acidic taste of the smoke filled
their mouths and lungs.
Ten minutes later, several public safety officers and fire
fighters arrived. The fire fighters looked, to put it mildly,
extremely irritated.
Mills Hall residents spent about an hour outside in the
rain while fire fighters cleared the hall.
Public safety reported that a student, or students, had
stolen the fire extinguisher from the third floor and
sprayed the fourth floor with heavy, yellow smoke.
A public safety officer found the extinguisher in the
fourth-floor study lounge.
To tamper with fire detectors or fire equipment is a
misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail and
a $500 fine.
According to Jerry Adams, public safety investigator,
205 fire alarms went off during the year 2000. None of
these alarms were due to an actual fire that resulted in
property damage.
Every time an alarm sounds on UNCA property the
Asheville Fire Department is required to speed to our
campus, and make sure there is no real fire.
When fire fighters notice a UNCA signal, they probably
roll they eyes and sigh loudly. We are wasting their time.
So, why do students insist on pulling fire alarms and
misusing fire extinguishers? Out of boredom? For a
quick thrill? To prove their fearlessness to their peers?
Well, none of their fellow students were pleased on
Thursday night as they stood in the rain for an hour.
Can you not find something better to do with your time
then pull fire alarms and spray fire extinguishers
through dormitory halls?
In the big Leagues
Shaun Cashman
Columnist
The sitcom, or situational com
edy, has long been a form of enter
tainment, even before the invasion
of televisions.
And, because of such huge popu
larity, television stations are always
on the lookout for new sitcom ideas.
You ask: “How can I, a semi
illiterate McDonald’s employee,
break into this exciting and profit
able business?”
Well, with my help and a little
happy powder, anyone can learn
how to create and write their own
award-winning sitcom in just nine
minutes.
Pick up that pad of paper, and put
on your imagination cap as I ex
plain the rules and consistencies
gleaned from years of studying
sitcom lore.
I have divided this course into
four parts; Theme, Setting, Char
acters and Story Plots.
Theme: Often overlooked, the
theme explains the main idea or
meaning behind a piece of work.
Talking about it makes you ap
pear intelligent.
Nothing impresses a director or
producer more than a writer who
seems to understand an artistic pur
pose in their work.
To create a sitcom theme, take out
that huge novel currently propping
up the sofa, and read it.
Find the main story idea, and steal
it. Don’t worry about being sued
for copyright, the author probably
died years ago anyway.
Setting: Ninety percent of all ac
tion in a sitcom takes place in one
area. It could be a house, an apart
ment, a bar or any other kind of
Throughout our tenure at UNCA, we here at The Blue
Banner have watched the university strive to become a
beacon of academia; to stand out beyond it's stature as a
successful liberal arts school.
Yet, one thing has always seemed to be lagging a bit
behind: commencement.
Sure, everything looks great.
Our Physical Plant workers seem to have the magical
ability to reform the quad in the last few weeks of school
from a trampled mess to a green thing of wonder.
No, it's the content that we are talking about here.
Does anyone remember the debacle surrounding Chan
cellor Patsy Reed's final commencement?
Apparently, the administration (ie. Reed) thought it
would be nice if she gave the Commencement Address.
In the end, it all seemed a little tacky, and most of the
graduating seniors left feeling a little cheated.
Commencement has just never seemed very special.
That has all started to change with Chancellor Jim
Mullen's first commencement last year and this coming
graduattion as well.
Mullen brought with him the idea of giving honorary
degrees, something most the other universities do, but
we here at UNCA never really bothered with.
This year, UNCA is giving four honorary degrees:
John Hope Franklin, who is one of America's most
famed historians, is also giving the commencement
address.
Myra Janco Daniels, chief executive officer of the
Philharmonic Center for the Arts in Naples, Fla. and
former president of Draper Daniels advertising firm.
Adelaide Daniels Key, a leading figure in humanitarian
activity in Western North Carolina. The UNCA Key
Center for Learning is named after her.
Gregory James LeMond, who is a three-time Tour de
France winner.
Changes like these will give UNCA's commencement
the prestige it desires, and leave it's graduating seniors
with a positive memory to go with them into the future.
confined space.
The setting creates its own gravi
tational field where the characters,
whether they live there or not, will
orbit in an elliptical pattern.
Occasionally, they will come close
enough to hurl sarcastic missiles at
each other in the war for galactic
domination.
Characters: Those psychologically
disturbed people who make up the
cast of characters truly define the
sitcom.
Usually related to each other in
some form, the characters supply
the line of action by using conflict.
They must constantly engage in
mental battles in order to see who
can insult everyone else in the most
original manner.
Characters only show weak and
boring emotions, such as love and
compassion, when they conve
niently match the canned audience
response.
We can divide the characters into
subgroups of gender and purpose
with which to better understand
them.
Men - No matter what job they
have, all men have the I.Q. of a
Lima bean.
They all suffer from a callous dis
regard toward women, minorities
and anyone with more authority
than they have available. j ’
Enlightened or sensitive men heM
not apply; we only accept real men
here.
All real sitcom men are beer-drink-
ing, gun-loving, sports fanatics.
The main male character always
has a story about how he used to be
the captain of his elementary
school’s baseball team, The Plaid
Ducklings.
Audiences love it when you make
these scumbags suffer for being the
rude, uncaring chauvinistic oinkers
that all men are.
Women - Slightly more intelli
gent than their male counterparts,
sitcom women have little or no
personalities.
They all follow the basic female
stereotype, and the men tease them
for it.
Sitcom women love to shop, love
to talk, love to watch romantic mov
ies, and love to hate just about
everything else.
They especially hate the men, but
are rarely, if ever, without one.
Always remember that the women
must get the last joke.
Children - The most intelligent
member of any family, children
offset their innocence with the cyni
cal wit of a college professor.
However, they lack experience and
perform countless stupid actions,
so their wiser, albeit less intelligent,
parents can teach them lessons in
life.
All children have problems in so
cial groups. No matter what the
age, children TV actors always de
velop a romantic interest in a fellow
cast member.
Keep in mind that most child
actors are actually 22-year-old mu
tants who cheat the aging process
through daily injections of jelly pre
servatives.
Most of them have already gone
through puberty, although they
look five.
Pets - Avoid pets like the plague,
Unless they talk or do something
amazing, pets have only two useful
episodes in them.
One, getting the pet. Then, some
one conveniently develops an al
lergy. And, two, killing the pet,
which is where we learn not to mix |
hamsters and microwaves.
Pets pull attention away from the
other characters, mostly because of |
better acting.
Therefore, sitcom actors hate to |
work with animals.
Story Plots: Having to create story I
plots for several hundred episodes
may seem like a daunting task to
new writers.
However, they can be very simple,
and after about two dozen episodes,
they may start to feel repetitive.
In fact, they are.
A sitcom only has about a half-1
dozen story plots, and repeats them I
constantly.
By changing dialogue just enough I
to make it seem like a new episode, [
people will _ religiously set their I
schedules to watch your show.
And, that’s it.
Now, you have all the skills needed I
to brave that intellectual wasteland |
we call prime-time television.
Tune in next week to learn how to |
simplify your life in only nine min
utes using a shotgun, three rabid I
squirrels, A1 Pacino and duct tape.
We now return you to your regu
larly scheduled lives.
Audiences love it when you
niake these scumbags suffer
for being the rude, chauvinis
tic oinkers that all men are.
Catamounts Take Over UNCA
Eric Winters
Columnist
In the Mountains section of the
Asheville Citizen-Times April 18,'
there was an article titled: “WCU,
Asheville create education partner
ship.”
There is also a photo of Chancel
lor John W. Bardo ofWestern Caro
lina University signing agreements
with Mayor Leni Sitnick of
Asheville, so they might “reach out
to the region.”
Here we go again.
I think a degree from WCU is
worth about as much as a 34-eent
stamp.
My father always told me not to
drive through Cullowhee with my
windows down or someone might
throw a degree at me.
I take pride in the fact that I am a
student ofUNCA. But, once again,
WCU is doing, from 45 miles away,
what we should be doing in our
own community.
This recent action by WCU is but
one of many that should scare stu
dents and faculty here at UNCA.
.Many will argue that UNCA does
its fair share for the community.
In fact, the Key Center for Service
Learning, founded by a chair mem
ber of WCU’s Board of Trustees,
has high aspirations, but the under
lying issue is UNCA’s identity.
Why do you think other universi
ties, such as UNC-Chapel Hill or
N.C. State University, have such
great retention rates?
) Overlooking the great social life
they possess, which remains non
existent at UNCA despite the ef
forts of our Greeks, retention here
is decreasing because there is no
sense of identity.
Where is the pride?
I, for one, do not feel like a Bull
1, for one, do not feel like a Bull-
dog.
It seems as if the administration of
UNCA is content to let WCU walk
all over us.
dog. It seems as if the administra
tion of UNCA is content to let
WCU walk all over us.
Millions of dollars.
This is the amount of money that
WCU owes UNCA. More embar
rassing is that we at UNCA will
probably never see a dime of this.
Let’s face it, WCU wants to be
UNCA. Have you ever driven sev
eral miles west down Interstate-40
and seen the enormously tacky,
purple billboard claiming: “BE
WARE! THERE ARE CATA
MOUNTS IN THESE HILLS!?”
With the sign being 45 minutes
away from Cullowhee and only five
minutes away from Asheville, this
raises a bit of suspicion.
Have you been to the Asheville
Mall, and noticed the glowing ad
vertisement beside the Sunglass Hut
that states: “Western Carolina Uni
versity, Your Graduate University
in Asheville?”
I have a serious problem with an
ad for WCU being photographed
in front of Karpen Hall-OUR build
ing on OUR campus.
I did find humor in the ad’s pa
thetic attempt to portray diversity
with several different groups of
women and minorities.
Truth in advertising? They’ve ob
viously never heard of such.
If this were true, then they would
have included “Bubba” huddled
amongst the circle of devoted stu
dents, wearing a mesh ACE Hard
ware cap and spittin’ tobacco juice
on the sidewalk.
You’re probably thinking, “There
goes another columnist stereotyp
ing again.”
Frankly, I don’t care.
Not that I feel the need to justify
my opinion, but both of my par
ents obtained degrees from WCU.
Like the Visigoths and Vandals
sacking Rome, UNCA is being in
vaded.
When Asheville-Biltmore College
was applying for its charter to be
come UNCA, there was a long pro
cess of interviews and letter writ
ing.
If you go to Ramsey Library, you
will find a letter from WCU whicli
adamantly opposes Asheville-
Biltmore becoming UNCA.
WCU maintained then, and per
haps still does, that thjs lovely cam
pus in Asheville should have served
as a satellite campus for their use asl
WCU at Asheville.
I am sick and tired of sitting in any
given class at UNCA and seeing a
flyer directed at WCU students.
This summer, I attempted to en
ter the Highsmith Center book
store.
I was promptly asked if I was 
WCU student.
When I said something to tht
effect of, “Hell no,” I was told that
our UNCA student center was only
open to WCU on this day.
WCU has, through carefully
planned strategies of a “nursing
program” and “graduate studies,
succeeded in making UNCA then
slave.
Anyone who borrows millions of
dollars and doesn’t pay it back ai
the expense of hard-working stu
dents at UNCA is either pretty
dumb or extremely unethical.
Would you have admiration fo(i
and embrace the idea of, a learninf
community with someone who
owed you several million dollars!
Didn’t think so.