Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / March 28, 2008, edition 1 / Page 7
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Mar. 28, 2008 \ The Clarion Page 7 by Joseph Chilton and Travis Wireback Spin Doctors canaa V that former Senator Jesse Helms never actually gradu ated from college. The public outcry is minimal, however, since a large majority of Helms’ fans cannot read and therefore have no idea that the story broke. North Dakota- John Hoeven arranges to sell the state to Canada for a really nice ice fishing shack. When reached for comment, Hoeven said, “Oh, gee, I didn’t even think anyone would notice it was gone der” Ohio- In a bloody coup, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar TeBron James and his Nike minions overthrow Governor Ted Strickland. Sources report that James has no interest in politics, but thinks that being govemor will get him closer to living up to his “King James” billing. Oklahoma- Toby Keith’s campaign for Govemor is curtailed when Keith is caught in a Norman hotel room with Natalie Maines of The Dixie Chicks. Oregon- State senator Bill Morissette is run out of office after it is revealed that he is related to Alanis Morissette. Said John Blaylock, leader of the Citizens Against Morissette, “I really hate that woman. None of the stuff in that damn song is even ironic.” Pennsylvania- Representative Chaka Fattah is beaten to death by a drunken group of Philadelphia Eagles fans when they mistake him for Donovan McNabb. Rhode Island- Govemor Donald Carcieri hangs himself after losing his re-election bid because of write-in votes for the state’s most famous resident, cartoon character Peter Griffm. Rhode Island is later renamed Petoria. South Carolina- The NAACP flocks to Columbia to protest after Senator Jim DeMint legally changes his name to Jim De Southwillriseagain. South Dakota- Polls show that Sioux Falls Mayor Dave Munson is leading by 20 points in his re-election bid until he makes a racially insensitive comment about Oprah Winfrey. Despite the fact that there are no black people in South Dakota, Oprah’s overall likeability still causes Munson to lose the election. Ironically, newspapers report that his comments “Munsoned” him. Tennessee- Govemor Phil Bredesen goes missing in action for eight days. Surveil lance videos show that Bredesen spent the time at strip clubs “making it rain” with Tennessee Titans defensive back Pacman Jones. Texas- A recall is immediately called for in the Houston area after it is discovered that Congressman John Rice Carter is a closet vegetarian who does not own a gun. There is also a good chance that Carter will face the death penalty under Texas law for not carrying a concealed weapon. Utah- The Salt Lake Tribune reports that Senator Orrin Hatch is having an extramarital affair A public uproar follows, but it is quickly quelled when Hatch takes the woman as his second wife. Vermont- A home video leaks onto the intemet of Govemor Jim Douglas doing things with Maple Symp that not even The Clarion will print. Virginia- Despite leading very different lives, CNN reports that the states' two most famous residents, Thomas Jefferson and Michael Vick, are actually blood relations. Washington- It is revealed that Congressman Norm Dicks’ name is no longer fitting after the Congressmen undergoes a sex-change operation. West Virginia- Hikers stumble across an unmarked grave in coal mining country. The remains are examined, and it is discovered that they are those of Senator Robert Byrd, who has actually been dead since 1983. Wisconsin- Senator Russ I Feingold has a tearful press conference in which he admits to having developed an addiction to Prozac while attempting to deal with the retirement of Brett Favre. Wyoming- Nothing ever happens in Wyoming.
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March 28, 2008, edition 1
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