October 31, 2008 | The Clarion
Politics
Page 5
With the election coming up next weei, it is not only important that you vote, but
also that you make your support for the candidate of your choice known to everybody
aroundyou. To help you in that pursuit. The Clarion has compiled a comprehensive
College Student's Guide to
Candidate Support
by Joseph Chilton and Travis Wirebacl
Pundits-in-Training
Voter Registration
Obama supporter: Get involved with a
voter registration drive and register every
thing in sight. Don’t stop with just people
who don’t normally vote, also register all of
their relatives dating back six generations,
regardless of whether they are living or not.
You can even register inanimate objects (an
acom, for instance) if you would like.
McCain supporter: Most of your con
stituency is already registered, so your best
course of action is to try and figure out a
way to get the three-fifths compromise put
back on the books.
Apparel
Obama supporter: Rep your candidate with
witty tee shirts featuring plays on words
such as “Barack and Roll” and “A Mama for
Obama.”
McCain supporter: It’s not really necessary
to make your allegiance known through a
tee shirt with McCain’s name on it, as your
seersucker jacket and boating shoes will be
a dead giveaway.
Music
Obama Supporter: Play liberal leaning indie
music whenever you find yourself around
undecided voters. Sing along with Joshua
James in “Crash this Train” when he sings
“It smells like blood, money and oil across
the Iraqi land/ It seems so easy to blind
us/ but United we stand,” and hope your
hipness makes voting Democrat seem cool.
Tracy Chapman’s “Change” should also be
included in your musical canon for obvious
reasons.
McCain Supporter: Any country music will
suffice, as long as it shows your connection
with “the core values of all Americans,”
since country music, as everybody knows is
well accepted by everybody in America.
Diplomacy toward the
other candidate
Obama Supporter: You do not have to
show any of this. It is completely socially
acceptable to make fun of John McCain’s
age, funny stature, and/or chipmunk-esque
facial features. It also is acceptable to make
fun of Sara Palin by attributing to her things
actually said by Tina Fey in an attempt to
make her out to be even more quotalicious
than she actually is.
McCain supporters: You must realize that
the McCain sticker on your car immediately
brands you as a racist in the minds of most
Democrats, therefore you must go out of
your way to point out that Obama would be
a decent candidate if he only had more expe
rience, while subtly alluding to your belief
that he is a dirty Commie Muslim terrorist.
Following the Race in the
Media
Obama supporter: Carefully try to avoid
bias by comparing the views of CNN,
MSNBC, and any other station that never
seems to think McCain says anything even
remotely evidencing his competency as a
political official.
McCain supporter: Hold steadfast to your
faith that since Fox News says McCain is
winning, all the other outlets are obviously
being secretly financed by A1 Jazeera, and
are therefore obviously not credible.
Movies
Obama supporters: Watch Michael Moore
documentaries and nothing but them in order
to bone up on the liberal platform.
McCain supporters: Watch Mavenc^ in
order to get a better grasp of the character
traits of the man you are voting for DVD’s
of the old TV show are acceptable, but for
ultimate representation, go with the early
90’s film version. This way you will also get
to watch Mel Gibson, one of the few Hol
lywood stars who shares your worldview.
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