Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / Sept. 4, 2009, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ Sept. 4, 2009 Horoscopes by the Clarion Astrolodeity Aries- For some reason you will participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relevant to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your day to day life. Lucky Color- Wool over your eyes white Taurus- You said you wouldn’t do it until pigs flew. Unfortunately for you, swine flu. Lucky color- Mucous green Gemini- Don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. You know what I’m talking about. Just don’t. Lucky color- Stop sign red Cancer- Cigarettes. Lucky color- Black lung Leo- The answer to all of life’s problems and the way to be successful is not found in the bottom of a liquor bottle. Unfortunately for you, hard work, perserverance and moderation are the answer, so liquor will have to do. Lucky color- Black out Virgo- Molotov cocktails are not potable. This news will be crucial to you surviving the week. Lucky color- Flame Libra- If you’re desperately seeking true love see capricorn Lucky color- Any color... any color at all Scorpio- Beware the European pretzel, it has dangerous consequences. Lucky color- Green and white stripes Sagittarius- The stars have aligned to show great fortune in your future. However, how near in the future this great fortune is is debatable. Lucky Color- Gold..or maybe yellow.. .could be blue, not quite positive on that one. Capricorn- If you’re looking for an easy one night stand, see Libra Lucky Color- Don’t worry, they’re all lucky Aquarius- A wandering band of hare krishna’s will set up camp in the empty lot across from your house and will miraculously transform the area into their natural habitat; an airport terminal. Lucky Color- Orange toga Pisces- That’s not what your mother said last night! Lucky Color- You don’t have one, sorry. American Hero Never mind that Barney Frank is Jewish and openly gay, or that Barack Obama is an African-American, one true American hero finally saw through their ruses and recognized them for what they truly are. Nazis! So what if both men are liberals. So what if their policies advocate providing health care for all Americans. So what if their ethnicities and backgrounds would have led both men to be targeted by Hitler in Nazi Germany. This true American Hero finally exposed them. Even after Frank circumvented her questions about his ties to Nazism by asking her, "On what planet do you spend most of your time?," and then comparing her intelligence and conver sational skills to those of a kitchen table, she stayed strong and kept asking the hard questions. So, for alerting everyone to the wolves in sheep's clothing in the White House and on Capitol Hill, the Clarion recognizes the crazy lady from the Massa- chussetts town hall meeting as this week's American Hero. mn or the TIME9 says- m j Rcoify or^ NerelCa^ Courtesi^osepr^nnton Staff Member Emeritus WHAT EXACTLY DID HE COUNT TO?
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