Newspapers / Brevard College Student Newspaper / Oct. 16, 2009, edition 1 / Page 8
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Page 8 THE LAST FRONTIER The Clarion \ Oct. 16, 2009 Horoscopes facilitated by the Clarion editors personal staff of oracles locked in their respective basements Aries- You will arrive in heaven to find 72 virgins waiting for you, only to realize that their sex was never specified. Lucky Color- White Taurus- You will inadvertently become part of gang warfare when you refuse to give up wearing that monochromatic shirt that brings out your eyes like no other shirt can. Cancer- Quitting smoking will only increase your addiction to nicotine via nicorette, causing undue financial woes Unlucky joke- Quitters never win Leo- Ya hear about the fat lady that backed into the fan? It was a disaster, because it dis-ASSED-her! Lucky color- Blue Gemini- Developing a fake British accent accomplishes nothing but making you similar to a hammer, screwdriver, and wrench in that all things involved are tools. Lucky item- Toolbag Lucky abbrevs.- LOL Virgo- In a bizarre turn of events. Rush Limbaugh will prove to the world that heliocentric theory was incorrect and he is the center of the universe. That is, until the liberal media does some fact checking and proves that its Keith Olbermann. Lucky vice- Partisanship Libra- Your inability to comprehend social colloquialisms will lead you to lie by your computer, unaided, after you actually laugh your ass off. Lucky cry- Help, I’ve LMAO! Scorpio- Deltron Zero is here to save the day. American Hero Lucky producer- Dan the Automator Sagittarius-It’s been said that all you need is a little push. Unfortunately for you, that push is going to come from behind. On the stairs. Lucky speed dial- 911 Capricorn- After decades of waiting, the moment will finally be right. America will finally nuke the man on the moon. Oh wait.... Lucky description- Clueless Aquarius- In the end, the answer will be Colonel Mustard, with the candlestick, in the ballroom. But enough about your love life. Lucky board game- You thought I was going to say ‘Clue,’ right? Pisces- You will revel in assertions of your ballemess and will be idolized as a ‘True Player.’ Unfortunately, this does not reflect your love life but your prowess at World of Warcraft. Lucky status- Been assistant pimpin’, since been assistant pimpin’... The key to any religion is securing its roots and ensuring that it is never changed to fit a political agenda. That said, this week’s American Hero, the Conservative Bible Project finally called the liberal agenda out for the way that its liberal bias is affecting modem Bibles. Even some conservatives aren’t conservative enough for this project. One columnist from ‘beliefnet’ described it as, “just crazy ... like what you’d get if you crossed the Jesus Seminar with the College Republican chapter at a rural institution of Bible leamin’.” Some of the problems found in modem translations include emasculating/feminizing the Bible (similar to the way liberals feminize public discourse), utilizing powerful conservative terms (i.e. getting rid of the term ‘comrade,’ and redefining words which have changed meaning and are irrelevant in modem Christianity including ‘Miracle,’ ‘Word,’ and ‘Peace’), expressing Free Market Parables (using the Bible to promote the free market, possibly redefining that whole sending a camel through the eye of a needle thing), and preferring conciseness over wordiness, especially in situations where God is called anything other than Lord, like Jehovah or Yahweh (got to get rid of that whole pesky Jewish heritage thing.) For taking a religion and finally doing away with all the political bias which has infiltrated it over the years, we salute you Conservative Bible Project. For more information, please visit ‘http://conservapedia.com/Conservative_Bible_Project.’
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