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THE LAST FRONTIER
The Clarion \ April 2, 2010
Horoscopes
As true as the case of Glenn
Beck, 1990... or is it?
Aries- You will find Waldo.
Lucky Color- Black glasses and red
hat—Ah, $#@!, that’s not him
Taurus- Every dog may have its
day, but you’re a human, and you
don’t have that guarantee
Lucky Color- Opposable thumb’s
nail
Gemini- If you’re not careful the
Chinese govemment will buy you
too... this one’s f’real folks
Lucky color- Commies can’t see in
color
Cancer- Your social standing in
your group of friends will dip to the
level of Russia’s standing with the
U.N. Sorry.
Lucky color- In Soviet Russia ve
do not believe in ze capitalist pig’s
definition of ‘color’
Leo- Roy G. Biv will finally come
out of the closet.
Lucky taste- Skittles
Virgo-If only Air Bud hadn’t gotten
into drugs and started dogfighting,
maybe this year of college
basketball would have been more
exciting.
Lucky color- Air “Green” Bud
Libra-You will win a new lottery
created as a part of the auto bailout
and be given an American made car,
but, hey, at least its not a Toyota!
Lucky sound- Ambulance
Scorpio- You will take the
suggestion to ‘grow a pair’ too
literally. Too bad nobody specified
what to grow a pair of
Lucky color- Shiva
Sagittarius- Bill Clinton will tire
of being absent from the news
and finally admit that when he
smoked pot, he inhaled. The nation
will come together, putting aside
political affiliations to say, “No
duh!”.
Lucky color- Blue Dress
Capricorn- Your innocence will be
ruined after attending a Tea Party
Rally mistaking it for something
entirely different
Lucky color- Broken teapot
Aquarius- You will finally rid the
world of the Twilight craze when
you invoke the spirit of Buffy the
Vampire Slayer
Lucky color- Stake
Pisces- Your dyslexia will get you
in trouble with PETA when you
order a ‘dog purse’ online instead of
a ‘purse dog.’ However, why you
would want either is a question no
one can answer.
Lucky Color- Daisy
American Hero
The GOP, a party which prides itself on helping out the working
class of America truly has given something back to a small
section... the “working girls.” This week’s American Heroes,
the Republican National Committee, apparently agreed to
reimburse the director of a RNC group called the “Young
Eagles” for nearly 2,000 dollars which they reinvested into
their community. And by reinvested in their community, we
mean spent on strippers at a high class Los Angeles Bondage
club. Apparently, the original request for reimbursement from
the RNC was for “meals” at a location called Voyeur West
Hollywood. Voyeur is described as a “world of risque sexuality
and eroticism.” We at The Clarion are curious as to what type
of “meals” could cost $2,000 at a club such as that? No word
yet as to whether Eliot Spitzer has switched parties and is the
corrupting influence in this scandal. So, for reinvesting a little money back into the community and for
helping out some of the “working girls,” we at The Clarion would like to salute the RNC.