Volume 79, April Fool's Issue SERVING BREVARD COLLEGE SINCE 69 BC 1 -Ami. Foot!, loit I — April 1, 2014 BC 'annexes' Ingles parking lot Burton Hodges forces SGA Senate vote to reclaim 4.5 acres to college 'territory’ By Valkoinen Orava Senior Political Reporter V oting for the SGA elections is still going on, but Burton Hodges has already crowned himself the victor in the presidential race, declared martial law on the BC campus, and taken steps to consolidate his power in the region. The first item on his regime’s agenda: reclaiming the Ingles parking lot as part of Brevard College’s ancestral “territory.” In a secret late-night SGA meeting, Hodges called for the Senate to vote to “annex” approximately 4.5 acres of Ingles parking lot adjacent to the Porter Center and the North Village as part of what he termed “Brevard College’s sovereign territory.” After the vote, Hodges moved quickly to solidify his hold over the region, sending troops of student- athletes armed with baseball bats, lacrosse sticks, and broken long-neck beer bottles to oust local Ingles officials from the area and to seize more “weapons” from the Ingles cold beverage aisle. In addition to these ground forces, Hodges deployed mobile troops to patrol the area and enforce a strict no-parking zone for Ingles shoppers and employees. These swift- moving troops consisted of lacrosse players on scooters and cyclists heavily armored with plastic helmets and Spandex—some road cyclists, but mostly mountain bikers to traverse the difficult terrain between North Village and the Ingles parking lot. The annexed area also includes the Ingles Express gas station and car wash, which See 'Annexation,' page 4 This Google Earth image shows the 4.5 acres of Ingles parking iot, gas station, and carwash annexed by Brevard Coliege following a closed-door SGA meeting last night. Criminal Justice professor leaves Brevard to fight crime By Chad Kelly Minion I t was announced recently that our very own Dr. Amie Sheidegger will be resigning from teaching criminal justice at Brevard College after this semester. It came as a surprise to all of her criminal justice students, many which have taken her classes since their freshmen year. When asked what prompted her to leave Brevard, she simply opened up a secret compartment in her desk which held a full scale replica of the Batman suit. “I’ve obviously made some modifications to it,” Scheidegger stated in an interview, “It’s completely bulletproof for one thing, and I can’t risk getting shot at while on the job... and it can stand up to 100 degrees of heat! Perfect for my Bikrim yoga classes!” “To be honest I wasn’t sure if she was joking about this or not, but she gave me a round house kick when I was caught cheating on one of her tests so I guess she isn’t kidding!” said an anonymous student “I’ll be setting up an internship program next summer for a sidekick. But students will need to provide their own costume.” It is currently unknown where our beloved instructor will be leaving to, but rumors suggest it will be somewhere in Gotham City, Pennsylvania. In other news, Dr. Ralph Hamlett has been spotted wearing clown makeup and asking why people are so serious.
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