Volume 79, April Fool's Issue
SERVING BREVARD COLLEGE SINCE 69 BC
1 -Ami. Foot!, loit I —
April 1, 2014
BC 'annexes' Ingles parking lot
Burton Hodges forces SGA Senate vote to
reclaim 4.5 acres to college 'territory’
By Valkoinen Orava
Senior Political Reporter
V oting for the SGA elections is still
going on, but Burton Hodges has
already crowned himself the victor in the
presidential race, declared martial law on the
BC campus, and taken steps to consolidate his
power in the region.
The first item on his regime’s agenda:
reclaiming the Ingles parking lot as part of
Brevard College’s ancestral “territory.”
In a secret late-night SGA meeting, Hodges
called for the Senate to vote to “annex”
approximately 4.5 acres of Ingles parking lot
adjacent to the Porter Center and the North
Village as part of what he termed “Brevard
College’s sovereign territory.” After the vote,
Hodges moved quickly to solidify his hold
over the region, sending troops of student-
athletes armed with baseball bats, lacrosse
sticks, and broken long-neck beer bottles to
oust local Ingles officials from the area and
to seize more “weapons” from the Ingles cold
beverage aisle.
In addition to these ground forces, Hodges
deployed mobile troops to patrol the area
and enforce a strict no-parking zone for
Ingles shoppers and employees. These swift-
moving troops consisted of lacrosse players
on scooters and cyclists heavily armored
with plastic helmets and Spandex—some
road cyclists, but mostly mountain bikers to
traverse the difficult terrain between North
Village and the Ingles parking lot.
The annexed area also includes the Ingles
Express gas station and car wash, which
See 'Annexation,' page 4
This Google Earth image shows the 4.5 acres of Ingles parking iot, gas station, and
carwash annexed by Brevard Coliege following a closed-door SGA meeting last night.
Criminal Justice
professor leaves
Brevard to fight crime
By Chad Kelly
Minion
I t was announced recently that our
very own Dr. Amie Sheidegger will be
resigning from teaching criminal justice at
Brevard College after this semester. It came
as a surprise to all of her criminal justice
students, many which have taken her classes
since their freshmen year.
When asked what prompted her to leave
Brevard, she simply opened up a secret
compartment in her desk which held a full
scale replica of the Batman suit.
“I’ve obviously made some modifications
to it,” Scheidegger stated in an interview, “It’s
completely bulletproof for one thing, and I
can’t risk getting shot at while on the job...
and it can stand up to 100 degrees of heat!
Perfect for my Bikrim yoga classes!”
“To be honest I wasn’t sure if she was joking
about this or not, but she gave me a round
house kick when I was caught cheating on
one of her tests so I guess she isn’t kidding!”
said an anonymous student
“I’ll be setting up an internship program
next summer for a sidekick. But students will
need to provide their own costume.”
It is currently unknown where our beloved
instructor will be leaving to, but rumors
suggest it will be somewhere in Gotham City,
Pennsylvania.
In other news, Dr. Ralph Hamlett has been
spotted wearing clown makeup and asking
why people are so serious.