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Volume XOXOX, Issue LOL SERVING BREVARD COLLEGE SINCE THE LATE PLEISTOCENE ERA Homeland Security rejects VISA application By Calum McAndrew Managing Foreigner In a controversial decision, United States Citizenship and Immigration Services representative, Agent Bill Williams, rejected the VISA application of Jesus Christ. Applying for an H-IB work VISA, Christ was a front-runner to take the coveted position as the CFO of Chacos footwear. This dream job, however, will now forever remain just a dream, after the rejection notice appeared in his mailbox in Bethlehem. Agent Bill Williams has received mixed reviews from around the United States following his decision, which he claims he did not make with ease. “Look, I don’t want to say no to anyone as much as the next guy, especially now,” Williams said. “I have a job to do though, and I can’t just ignore our department motto now, can I?” “No shirt, no shoes, no shitholes,” Williams explained. “It says it right here, below ‘In God We Trust.’” Due to recent changes in the law, applicants for any United States VISA must supply five years worth of social media history, telephone numbers, email addresses, travel history and family background, and Williams said Christ had cause for suspicion on all five counts. “Social media history, absent. Telephone numbers, absent. Email addresses, absent,” Williams said. “His travel history is very suspicious for a while, and then he’s off the grid for upwards of 2000 years. It would be unwise to rule out ISIS involvement. Don’t get me started on family background.” The decision caused particular uproar in Texas, where protesters gathered until the information circulated that Jesus was in fact from the Middle East. Donald Trump is yet to comment on the decision, but has taken to twitter to berate Living Planet /lApril 1, Snallygasters seen in Pisgah National Forest By Lauren M. Fowler Mythical Creature Expert Often when a rare or magical beast is spotted tromping amongst the trees in a national forest, the spot-ee is ridiculed or accused of being drunk. This past weekend however, a very credible source that cannot be questioned or otherwise convinced to reveal another story that might give rest to the troubling nature of the news, caught a glimpse of a rare and elusive Snallygaster. The first documented appearances of these rare beasts began in the early days of the settlement of the Southern Appalachians by German settlers. Located on a fault line, Pisgah National Forest and the surrounding area has always drawn many a strange and incredible creature such as the notorious sasquatch and snarly yaw. The first Snallygaster sighting in the Appalachians was recorded in 1730 by German settlers. “Claws like steel hooks, and an eye in the center of its forehead, the Schneller Geist terrorizes our livestock and gives our wives and children nightmares,” said one account. Schneller Geist can be translated to “quick spirit” and was often another name given to ghosts or unexplained speetral oecurrences such as the appearance of such a beast. The Snallygaster has been described as a half reptile, half bird creatures with blade sharp talons, 10-25 foot long wingspan and bird’s beak filled with venomous, crocodile-like teeth. Many a young Appalachian child told their parents curious stories about where the cookies in the cookie jar had disappeared to - blaming the elusive Snallygaster and claiming the creature escaped out the mysteriously ajar kitchen window. In 1909, several accounts had been covered by local newspapers in the Frederick area of Maryland with claims of being cornered by the beast - forced to stare at its huge and toothy grin afraid for the purity of their souls and soundness of their mental health. After many sightings and a deep rooted fear for demons living in the forest developing among settlers, these creatures were hunted and thought to have been eradicated. A falsified image of the “last” Snallygaster drowned in a tub of whiskey mash appeared in the Baltimore Sun in 1932 and people believed the Snallygaster’s reign of terror to have ended - until now. Sightings of this creature in Pisgah National Forest are of major concern to the Forest Service who, while attempting to keep the appearances quiet, also warns woods-goers to protect themselves by carrying a striped purple umbrella with them at all times or if unable to obtain said umbrella - a small picture of Marlon Bundo to distract the creature so as to escape inevitable death. The mighty Marlon Bundo strikes fear Into the hearts of all men and appears to be the only weakness of the terrible Snallygaster.
Brevard College Student Newspaper
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April 4, 2018, edition 1
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